London Olympics, 2012

[j4bberw0ck]

2012 Olympics Itinerary. This may seem eerily familiar to anyone who's had to work there..........

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from Tower Hamlets), wearing the traditional hoody. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof ofthe stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'London'athletes.

100 METRE SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and
microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor wages delivery man.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, snorting a line, joy-riding and arson.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING

Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into the Thames. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Peckham Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Camden Community Choir.

The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.

The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[willowbankbear]

J4bberw0ck, are ye sure ye havnt got the place wrong? That sounds very like Liverpools Croxteth or Glasgow`s east end

[orkneylass]

Surely it's just about anywhere South of Golspie????

[JAWS]

j4bberw0ck, stop it, you're giving me a relapse, I'm getting quite jumpy.

Sounds just like The Moss. Oops, sorry, I mean Greenheys. The Council changed the name after the riots to protect the guilty.

[j4bberw0ck]

Sorry, JAWS. Here, have another cuppa and sit yersel' down. A Manchester man, eh? Splendid city...... in places

WBB - now don't be knocking Croxteth - that's posh-ish, if I remember. Now Toxteth.... that, I remember the riots and burnings in 1980. Some beautiful old houses there in terrible states of disrepair, though I believe these days it's very much "up and coming". Haven't been back to LIverpool for 20 years...... an oversight I must correct sometime. It was a wonderful place in many ways and is said to be quite something now.

London, on the other hand, is on the list of places headed "If I Never Go Back Here It'll Be Too Soon". I worked there and commuted in and out for 4 years. It has a lot to do with why I'm here, now, so perhaps there's something to be grateful for.

[percy toboggan]

I hear the games clash with Ramadan and the mulsims are unhappy.

Also, did you know a huge mosque is being built on the Olympic site and will figure prominently on the t.v. shots unless skilfull editing is employed. Still, it will be 2012 by then and a more few years down the rocky road to Damascus. Maybe it's appropriate.

[JAWS]

I hear the games clash with Ramadan and the mulsims are unhappy.

"There are also certain circumstances where people normally able to fast are unable to, such as when people are on a tiring journey or if a woman is pregnant, and in these instances the person must make up the fast at a later date, or provide meals to the needy in order to make up for breaking the fast."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/religio.../ramadan.shtml

The 2012 Olympics do fall at the same time as Ramadan as, I understand the 1972 Olympics did.

This cannot be the first time it has happened as the Modern Olympics, with the exception of during WW2, have happened at the same period once every four years for the last Century. (I haven't checked exactly when they resumed) I find it rather strange that the timing of Ramadan and the Olympics coinciding have suddenly become a major problem.

It seems to me that if any persons Religious Beliefs are in contravention of something they wish to engage in then there is a simple solution. You make a choice about which is more important to you.
People of Faith have always had to make such decisions and about far more serious things and with far greater consequences to themselves than taking part in Sporting events for their own Self Glorification.

In addition to that, the information on the web site above would appear to make allowances for such occurrences.

[Kingetter]

It seems to me that if any persons Religious Beliefs are in contravention of something they wish to engage in then there is a simple solution. You make a choice about which is more important to you.
People of Faith have always had to make such decisions and about far more serious things and with far greater consequences to themselves than taking part in Sporting events for their own Self Glorification.


"Chariots of Fire" sound familiar?