Teenagers and how do you cope?

[achingale]

My son has no motivation for work, college or uni and sits at home all day listening to music or doing Facebook. We have tried encouraging him to take his music further as he plays several instruments but he just seems so lazy, it is like he can't be bothered. We suggest jobs and there is always a reason why he won't apply. He tired college but it was too much like hard work. I am at my wits end because everytime we approach the subject he gets on the defensive and makes life hell for everyone else in the house. Any suggestions, tips etc would be really helpful and much appreciated.

[teddybear1873]

My son has no motivation for work, college or uni and sits at home all day listening to music or doing Facebook. We have tried encouraging him to take his music further as he plays several instruments but he just seems so lazy, it is like he can't be bothered. We suggest jobs and there is always a reason why he won't apply. He tired college but it was too much like hard work. I am at my wits end because everytime we approach the subject he gets on the defensive and makes life hell for everyone else in the house. Any suggestions, tips etc would be really helpful and much appreciated.

Cut his air supply off.........That is the internet. He will more and probably go off the head but after 2 or so days he will relies that he needs his beloved internet back.

Kids nowadays feel as though everything is owed to them. I took my step-sons X-box as he was told time and time again to clean his room.

After 2 days he knew he wasn't going to get it back until his room was spotless.

Just be patient.

[teddybear1873]

Also, if he's refusing to look for work, Don't give him money unless he pulls his finger out.

[dragonfly]

its not an easy one Achingale but I'd try tough love.......if he's not willing to get off his behind and go and look for something to do in his life then I'd be telling him to find elsewhere to live and fend for himself - Ormile Lodge has reasonably priced rooms for youngsters who are old enough to leave home. If he knows that he's going to get free food and lodgings for life at home there's not much incentive to do anything except what he's doing. Parenting is not an easy job is it

[davem]

Young people often have no ambition because they have no confidence, so if you don't try you can't fail. It makes no difference what you want your child to do, until they want to themselves nothing will happen. I assume that this situation has been going on for a while, threatening eviction or chopping off the internet would just make you the villain. You obviously think he has talent to take further, if it is music does he spend time playing with other people because that is how he'll progress there. Has he friends because you don't mention him being out at all? Sometimes wrapping yourself in music and the internet is just a way of blanking off from a world you find scary, he could just be depressed! Maybe just talking from the point of view that you are worried for his well being now and long term. It is about trying to find a spark of self belief to build on, teenage years are often a low point - schools sometimes seem talented at crushing hopes and dreams; its just about looking for a first step to feel better and maybe refind some confidence.

[mi16]

Dependant on his age, punt him out
That will be shock enough to raise his game

[pat]

Advise if situation does not change extremely soon - YOU are on strike, no food, no clean clothes, no internet, no telephone calls, no money to finance anything, etc - he has to provide for himself and if he does not sort himself out, become a participant in family life and is seriously trying to find employment, he will be asked to find alternative living accommodation.
Ensure you set a time limit for these changes - a week, 10 days, 2 weeks and stick to it, you will be the bad one but will realise before long how much you have done for him and appreciate the kick into reality he has been given.
We would all love to have a life where we are waited on hand and foot - tell him it is his turn to run around after YOU and to pay all the bills!

[Corrie 3]

I agree with Pat...One of the problems with this attitude of Teens is that they will more than likely get a girl pregnant and then expect to be given a council house, bang out a few more kids and then expect the taxpayer to provide for them for the rest of their lives.
Be firm on him now before it's too late!!

C3............

[b3n]

He sounds just like my teenager! Just be patient and love him, he'll figure it out for himself soon.
We all want the best for out teens and nagging at them just makes it worse, try being his friend and he might talk to you more about things he's wanting to do for work. All the best achingale its no easy job!!

[weezer 316]

Mixture of tough love and encouragement. I look after my younger brother who just turned 16 a few days ago. He just started college, and he did hat witout any prompting really, but I make sure I encourage him when hes down, and when hes being lazy I hammer him.

I have had him in the routine for years that he empties and stacks the dishwasher, cleans the cats box, and takes the bins out and back when needed for his sky in his room, which is £10 a month. it hard going sometimes, and I need to hammer him sometimes to gt it done, but it seems to have paid off (although we will see once the real work starts).

So in short, give nothing for nothing, encourage when donw and kick up the a*** when they are beign lazy!

[dragonfly]

weezer, you have done yourself proud with R, he's a credit to you. To think you were barely out of your own childhood when you took on the responsibility of looking after him, you did a good job......but don't think hammering is allowed in today's politically correct world!

but yes achingal needs both tough love and encouragement of her/his son

[teddybear1873]

I can't get my head round with teenagers these days. Some people blame them, some blame the parents which is another topic that should be addressed at another time.

A lot of them will do absolutely diddly and stick by their guns and think everything should be given to them.

I had to get a job by the age of 12 as my mam told me she will give me the basic necessities and that is it. If I wanted luxury's in life, I had to get off me ar$e to earn it. On top of that, I still had stuff to do round the house.

All they do is moan, "well back in your day it was easier to get a job" Bull crap, get off your backside and rap on peoples doors and ask them if they need work done eg - clean the garage or windows, cut the grass, get some messages etc etc.

They get stuck in their own little world in their bedroom, playing the xbox, on their laptop, texting 200 messages per day, watching sky tv on their HD telly...

I'm not saying this is every teenager, but I bet it's a damn good few.

[weezer 316]

weezer, you have done yourself proud with R, he's a credit to you. To think you were barely out of your own childhood when you took on the responsibility of looking after him, you did a good job......but don't think hammering is allowed in today's politically correct world!

but yes achingal needs both tough love and encouragement of her/his son

Cheers lol! Not a lcue who you are but cheers anyway!

Kids need it. I had all growing up, i swear its gave me my work ethic. fomr a young age my litle brother has had to "work" if thats thw word for hsi sky in his room. Now he realises you get nothign for nothing.

I reckon the cutting internet off will do the trick. My router was broke a few months ago for a day until i got a replecement and I swear you would think he was being totured!

[oldmarine]

its not an easy one Achingale but I'd try tough love.......if he's not willing to get off his behind and go and look for something to do in his life then I'd be telling him to find elsewhere to live and fend for himself - Ormile Lodge has reasonably priced rooms for youngsters who are old enough to leave home. If he knows that he's going to get free food and lodgings for life at home there's not much incentive to do anything except what he's doing. Parenting is not an easy job is it

I concur with dragonfly's comments. Years ago I had problems with my only son. He tried the U.S. Army but complained about his feet and received a discharge. I would not let him lay around the house and do nothing so he joined the U.S. Air Force. I don't know what happened but he was home again. I discovered he had taken money from his younger sisters' banks. I told him that was not tolerated and I put him out of the house. He wound up at my mother's house and she took him in. He caused her problems and she called me. I had a serious talk with him and told him that he needed to get his act together and be on his own. He joined a traveling circus and traveled with them for a couple years. He finally left the circus and settled in Long Beach, California where he got a position with the Press-Telegram newspaper in their advertising department. He completed several successful years there. He even paid back the money he took from his sister's bank with interest when she was attending college. He had slipped a large money certificate into one of her text books where she found it. That act impressed all of us. I have to post an addition to this message: my son was killed by a hit & run driver while on his way to work. I had a good feeling knowing he had succeeded. I support the "tough love" principal.

[Aaldtimer]

Aye, get tough, or you may have to resort to the tactics that these folks did!... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14995588

[achingale]

Aye, get tough, or you may have to resort to the tactics that these folks did!... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14995588

Mmmm, worth a try if things get any worse!! Thanks everyone for your input here. I have only been a parent a short time (nearly 19 years!) and I am still learning it seems. Wish someone would give us an instruction manuel when they are born. I am going to try a mixture of measure you have all suggested, and I am pleased to know I am not alone in this situation.

[teddybear1873]

Mmmm, worth a try if things get any worse!! Thanks everyone for your input here. I have only been a parent a short time (nearly 19 years!) and I am still learning it seems. Wish someone would give us an instruction manuel when they are born. I am going to try a mixture of measure you have all suggested, and I am pleased to know I am not alone in this situation.

You have to be cruel to be kind achingale. Whatever you do and decide, stick by your guns and don't budge. Kids seem to think that parents can't hold it out and will back down.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

[davem]

By imposing ultimatums or setting deadlines you are looking to get your offspring to do what you want, unless they want to change themselves they won't. The way you already treat your children arrives because of your values and beliefs, that is how you are consistent and set rules, rather than coming down like a ton of bricks because other people think it is the right thing you have got to go with your instincts so you can stick to your choice of action. I still think you need to share your concerns with your son so that he at least recognises the situation as a problem. It is obviously an irritation that may drive you to distraction if it gets worse, so better to deal with it now while its easier to take a step back, put the ball in his court. A comfortable home life for everyone is really important,....... what can HE do to take steps in the right direction, so he is happier as well as the people he shares a house with.

[squidge]

Try to talk to him first. Ask what he is thinking or worrying about, REALLY listen to what he says and reassure him that you love him. Warn him that things cant carry on as they are and ask him how he thinks you can help him. If he throws a strop or makes you miserable be patient but tell him he HAS to talk about it and that he has two days to decide to discuss things properly or you will have to take steps to make life more difficult for him. Dont get into a slanging match or lose your temper, if he is really struggling then you will just make things worse. If he doesnt agree to discuss the way forward then implement the things that have already been mentioned, no internet, no going out, remove all his electrical items from his room, confiscate phone ipod etc, ground him so he cant go out, inused to put all my teenage son's shoes in the car so he couldnt defy me when i was at work and sneak out. Absolutely no NO NO money to be given to him. Grit your teeth and dig in cos it will be hard hard work but you should get a result. Be comforted though, if your lad is usually nice natured and has not always been like that then something is bothering him and you will get to the bottom of it.

[teddybear1873]

Agree with all that squidge said. Obviously every kid is different but the some I know tend to tell their parents last or not tell them at all. They blast everything on facebook or some other social networking site what problems they have. It can be like a merry go round on there at times. One kid telling one problem, then another kid doing the same. Maybe it's me, but teenagers keep things far more close to their chest than I did when I was a teenager. If I felt something was wrong or had a problem, I went to either my old siblings or my parents.

I honestly believe that teenagers have no social values left in this day and age. They can express their feelings on a pc or by text, but when it comes face to face they can't.