View Full Version : Thursday Jokey Wokey!
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet poops its self!"
*hopes poop ins`t on the getting the boot list!*
Keep Laughing folks!
Heres my thursday joke !
2 old men sitting chatting in an old folkes home, Im full of aches and pains today Alf, how do you feel? Alf replys.. like a new born baby fred, a new born baby? yep, no hair ,no teeth and ive just pooped myself.
Made me laugh anyway !
Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other, "there is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?"
The second man replies, "No, sorry, i don't seem to have any either".
The first man then asks, "well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?".
The second man says, "No, sorry!".
The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change of a Twenty?".
The hands that clean these toilets
also make you food...
Please aim properly.
Toilet out of order
please use floor below
We aim to please
you aim too please!
Patrons are requested to
remain seated throughout
the entire performance
Cedric Farthsbottom III
02-Mar-06, 23:22
A wee Thursday Joke to go wi a few o' the threads that are on the org. tonight.
What do ye call a cowboy goat,who faints and then jumps up on a wall in a picturesque photograph?
Billy the Kid[para]
Funky_Foal
03-Mar-06, 21:43
A wee Thursday Joke to go wi a few o' the threads that are on the org. tonight.
What do ye call a cowboy goat,who faints and then jumps up on a wall in a picturesque photograph?
Billy the Kid[para]
HA HA thats great:) where did you find that 1 ?
Cedric Farthsbottom III
04-Mar-06, 00:43
HA HA thats great:) where did you find that 1 ?
Ma favourite pastime is listening to people telling stories/jokes etc.Must have a wee part of ma brain that retains all these ditties.
Have met many folk who maybe aren't having the best of days,but a wee funny joke or story brings a smile to their face.
To answer your question Funky Foal,I can say it was told to me between 1971-2006.:lol:
This is an old one but still great
A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts.When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?" "No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."
One morning Alex Furguson has a phone call from David Beckham. Sounding rather upset, David mumbled,"Alex mate, I don't fink I will be at training today. I am having trouble with this jigsaw puzzle and I'm not going anywhere until I have solved it."Alex replied, "Well, what sort of jigsaw puzzle it it?"David said, "It's got a picture of a tiger on the box but none of the peices seem to fit together. I've asked Victoria and she doesn't have a clue either."Alex, rather anoyed by now says, "Ok, give me five minutes and I'll come over and see what I can do." After a while, Alex reaches the house and is greeted by Victoria. She takes him into the kitchen where David is sitting at the table,shuffling the orange pieces and looking confused.Alex looks at him and immediately realising what has happenned says, "David, for Gods sake put the Frosties back in the box!!"
ACTUAL NOTES ON MEDICAL CHARTS...1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR...
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
connieb19
04-Mar-06, 12:23
Brilliant Granty...lol:lol:
8 Ways to Annoy the person in the Next Toilet...
1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
5.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.
6. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"
7. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before."
8. Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."
2little2late
04-Mar-06, 13:18
8 Ways to Annoy the person in the Next Toilet...
1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
5.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.
6. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"
7. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before."
8. Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."
[lol] [lol] Where do you get these from?
I don`t get let out much!
This fellow walks into a doctor's surgery and says "Doctor I need your help I think I'm a moth"
Doctor "Well why come in here, you need to go and consult a psychiatrist"
Reply "Well I just noticed that your light was on!"
Cedric Farthsbottom III
04-Mar-06, 23:40
Another patient walks into the doctors surgery and says"Doctor,I don't think I'm very exciting as people keep ignoring me."
Doctor says "Who said that?":D
2little2late
04-Mar-06, 23:48
Two ladies sitting on a park bench when two guys who have just finished a tennis match walk past. The guy has a tennis ball in his shorts pocket. One of the women on the bench looks quite taken aback at the guys pocket.
"It's only a tennis ball" says the man.
"Blimey", says the woman "I've heard tennis elbow is sore but you must be in agony!".
Two ladies sitting on a park bench when two guys who have just finished a tennis match walk past. The guy has a tennis ball in his shorts pocket. One of the women on the bench looks quite taken aback at the guys pocket.
"It's only a tennis ball" says the man.
"Blimey", says the woman "I've heard tennis elbow is sore but you must be in agony!".
[lol] hee...hee..good one.
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officals say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
2little2late
04-Mar-06, 23:55
Two teddy bears got a job on a building site as labourers helping demolish buildings etc. Both teddies had their tools for the job. They were both hacking away all day with their pick axes. Any way they both had their lunch break and when they went back to work, one of the teddy bears saw that his pick axe was missing. After about an hour of searching they decided to report it missing to the foreman.
The foreman says, "Didn't you know?"
"Know what" ask the teddy bears.
The foreman replies.
"Todays the day that teddy bears have their picks nicked".
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
:lol: hee...hee..good one Abdullah.
Cedric Farthsbottom III
04-Mar-06, 23:59
Two ladies sitting on a park bench when two guys who have just finished a tennis match walk past. The guy has a tennis ball in his shorts pocket. One of the women on the bench looks quite taken aback at the guys pocket.
"It's only a tennis ball" says the man.
"Blimey", says the woman "I've heard tennis elbow is sore but you must be in agony!".
:lol: Good one 2little2late.
Two flies are sitting on a dog poo in New York,when one of them starts to get a bit nervous.
The other fly asks"Whats up with you man?"
The other one says "We better scarper because that guy over there has just said the SWAT team is coming in!!!!!!!":grin:
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 00:00
:lol: Good one 2little2late.
Two flies are sitting on a dog poo in New York,when one of them starts to get a bit nervous.
The other fly asks"Whats up with you man?"
The other one says "We better scarper because that guy over there has just said the SWAT team is coming in!!!!!!!":grin:
[lol] [lol] very good mate.
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 00:06
After Michael Jackson's recent child abuse trial, all his family decided to go back to his Neverland ranch. Once inside Michael's mother suggested watching a DVD.
"I know", said Michael "We'll get Alladin"
"Michael!!" shouts his mother. "Don't start those tricks again.
A seven year old girl told her mum, " A boy in class asked me to play doctor".
"oh, dear, the mother nervously sighed. "what happened honey?"
"nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double billed the in
insurance company".
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 00:15
A teacher says to her class,"Today I would like you all to say a sentence with centimetre in it."
Wee Angela5 puts her hand up and says,"There is 100 centimetres in a metre."
Wee DrSzin puts his hand up and says,"There are 10 millimetres in a centimetre"
Wee 2little2late puts his hand up and says,"My Gran got lost at the railway station so I was centimetre!!!!!":lol: :lol:
A teacher says to her class,"Today I would like you all to say a sentence with centimetre in it."
Wee Angela5 puts her hand up and says,"There is 100 centimetres in a metre."
Wee DrSzin puts his hand up and says,"There are 10 millimetres in a centimetre"
Wee 2little2late puts his hand up and says,"My Gran got lost at the railway station so I was centimetre!!!!!":lol: :lol:
[lol] hee...hee Wee witty Cedric.......good one...:lol:
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 00:21
A teacher says to her class,"Today I would like you all to say a sentence with centimetre in it."
Wee Angela5 puts her hand up and says,"There is 100 centimetres in a metre."
Wee DrSzin puts his hand up and says,"There are 10 millimetres in a centimetre"
Wee 2little2late puts his hand up and says,"My Gran got lost at the railway station so I was centimetre!!!!!":lol: :lol:
Excellent. just love it. [lol] [lol]
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 00:30
The bairns in class had to write a sentence with the word "Fascinate" in the sentence.
Angela5 wrote, My dad said "Watch this trick it will FASCINATE you"
Cuddlepop wrote, My dad said "Watch this illusion on the T.V. it will FASCINATE you".
Cedric farthsbottom III wrote, "My duffle coat has twelve buttons on it but I can only FASCINATE".
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, " I've got to take you in, pal. you're obviously drunk".
Our wasted freind asked "officer, are you sure i'm drunk?"
"yeah, buddy, i'm sure", said the copper, let's go.
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, i thought i was crippled".
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 00:32
Drug addict runs into a pet store and says,"Give me all your money,or give me some drugs."
Pet store owner says,"I've just opened so i have no money and as for the drugs I can't give you them either because.................the parrots eat em all!!!!" :lol:
The bairns in class had to write a sentence with the word "Fascinate" in the sentence.
Angela5 wrote, My dad said "Watch this trick it will FASCINATE you"
Cuddlepop wrote, My dad said "Watch this illusion on the T.V. it will FASCINATE you".
Cedric farthsbottom III wrote, "My duffle coat has twelve buttons on it but I can only FASCINATE".
[lol] hee...hee..good one..
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 00:35
The bairns in class had to write a sentence with the word "Fascinate" in the sentence.
Angela5 wrote, My dad said "Watch this trick it will FASCINATE you"
Cuddlepop wrote, My dad said "Watch this illusion on the T.V. it will FASCINATE you".
Cedric farthsbottom III wrote, "My duffle coat has twelve buttons on it but I can only FASCINATE".
Hee-hheeeee!!!!good one pal!!!:lol: :lol: We're on a roll 2little2late,Angela5,Abdullah keep it going!!!!!:lol: :lol:
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 00:38
Two sausages and two rashers of bacon in a frying pan.
One sausage says to the other
"It's hot in here isn't it?"
Then a rasher of bacon says to his mate,
"Did you hear that a talking sausage?"
Two eggs in a pan of boiling water, one says to the other,
"It's flippin hot in here"
Then the other one says,
"Wait until you get out they smash your head in".
The captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a night ashore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over his uniform. Pointing to a young seaman at the head of the gangway, he shouted, 'give that man five days in the brig for spewing on his captain.'
Next morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days.
He asked the chief mate why. 'Well Cap'n when we got you undressed we found he'd also sh1t your underpants.'
[smirk]
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 00:43
Two sausages and two rashers of bacon in a frying pan.
One sausage says to the other
"It's hot in here isn't it?"
Then a rasher of bacon says to his mate,
"Did you hear that a talking sausage?"
Two eggs in a pan of boiling water, one says to the other,
"It's flippin hot in here"
Hee-hee!!!!!:lol:
Then the other one says,
"Wait until you get out they smash your head in".
Hee -hee!!!!:o)
Two boiled eggs sitting in the egg cups having a blether.
One says "I think we've started a revolution."
"Hows that",says the other one
"Cos i hear their sending the soldiers in!!!!!!!!!!":o)
What did the giraffe say when he ordered drinks at the cocktail bar?
"The Highballs are on me"....
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 00:49
What did the giraffe say when he ordered drinks at the cocktail bar?
"The Highballs are on me"....
Good one!!!Angela 5.
Man walked into a bar and said,"Ouch!!!!,I must be foo!!!!!!":lol:
connieb19
05-Mar-06, 00:50
Two ladies sitting on a park bench when two guys who have just finished a tennis match walk past. The guy has a tennis ball in his shorts pocket. One of the women on the bench looks quite taken aback at the guys pocket.
"It's only a tennis ball" says the man.
"Blimey", says the woman "I've heard tennis elbow is sore but you must be in agony!".LMAO.....that is funny..lol
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 00:51
I've ran out of jokes. :cry: :cry:
Cow in hole
First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head.
There once was an old couple who had been married for 30 years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wifes annoyance.
"you'll fart your guts out one of these days," she complained.
After a particulary bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's bum.
While she was cooking breakfast she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream..20 minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.."you were right all along" the old man say's " i finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of god, and these 2 fingers i managed to push 'em back in!"
A skeleton walks in to a bar. He says to the barman
"Can I have a pint of beer and a mop"??...........:grin:
Cow in hole
First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head.
[lol] [lol] [lol] good one....
Cow in hole
First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head.
[lol] [lol] I really hope you dont get suspended for that one!!
,"My Gran got lost at the railway station so I was centimetre!!!!!"
that is so much like the "contagious" joke that would get me banned from here!
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 00:56
A skeleton walks in to a bar. He says to the barman
"Can I have a pint of beer and a mop"??...........:grin:
Very good [lol] [lol]
Q. Why should you always take a mushroom to a disco?
A. Because he's a fungi to be with.
There once was an old couple who had been married for 30 years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wifes annoyance.
"you'll fart your guts out one of these days," she complained.
After a particulary bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's bum.
While she was cooking breakfast she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream..20 minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.."you were right all along" the old man say's " i finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of god, and these 2 fingers i managed to push 'em back in!"
[lol] [lol] eeeeooooowwww.. yeeeuuuchhhh!!!!
that is so much like the "contagious" joke that would get me banned from here!
i know the one and yes it would [lol]
I have an absolutely BRILLIANT one which isnt too bad but I darent post it just in case!!
If anyone wants to hear it PM me...
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 01:04
Very good [lol] [lol]
Q. Why should you always take a mushroom to a disco?
A. Because he's a fungi to be with.
Ahhhhhhhh!!2little2late my fellow joke miester,but why should you NOT take the fungi to the disco?
Because there's no' mushroom' on the dancefloor!!!!:lol:
[lol] [lol] I really hope you dont get suspended for that one!!
semantics;)
1. two ANTENNAS MEET IN A BAR AND get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" ..........................."It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 01:08
1. two ANTENNAS MEET IN A BAR AND get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" ..........................."It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Ye must be a fast typer Abdullah!!!!:)
How can you find Dolly Parton's kids in a crowd?
They're the ones with the stretchmarks on their lips...[lol]
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 01:11
Two cannibals in the pup discussing their holidays abroad.
One says to the other,
"But where's your arm?"
The other one says,
"The holiday was self catering"
[QUOTE=Abdullah]12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.[QUOTE]
[lol] Brilliant! Just my sense of humour!!
Ye must be a fast typer Abdullah!!!!:)
Just some I have stored on the pc......enjoy:grin:
Do you know why they call a womans bra a wonder bra?
Because when you take it off you wonder where they went.
your joke got me thinking angela it must be scary to be a man nowadays cos when u pull a woman in the pub she could be wearing a wonderbra, corsett, those tights that pull in your thighs and stuff,,,imagine how scary that would be in the morning lol :)
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 01:23
Just some I have stored on the pc......enjoy:grin:
Good idea ma pal as ma auld brain ain't as good as it used to be!!!!!!!Well,for facts anyway,for jokes,no problem.
What dae ye call a man with 40 scorries on his face.............Cliff!!!!!!:lol:
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 01:27
What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?
Rustle.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Dug.
Dr Dr i think ive got Bird Flu
Doc: Why do you think that?
Ive got a headache and i keep sneezing?
Doc: but that could be normal flu?
Yes but ive started talking rubbish and i cant park a car.
Sorry ladies:evil
connieb19
05-Mar-06, 01:29
your joke got me thinking angela it must be scary to be a man nowadays cos when u pull a woman in the pub she could be wearing a wonderbra, corsett, those tights that pull in your thighs and stuff,,,imagine how scary that would be in the morning lol :)It's not a wonder bra I need...It's a miracle bra..lol[lol]
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 01:32
What do you call a man wi no head,no torso,no legs,no feet,no arms and no hands........William Balls.
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 01:35
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool?
Bob
your joke got me thinking angela it must be scary to be a man nowadays cos when u pull a woman in the pub she could be wearing a wonderbra, corsett, those tights that pull in your thighs and stuff,,,imagine how scary that would be in the morning lol :)
[lol] scary stuff unicorn.....the man would think he had 2 woman the slim and all in place one left early.....going south slept in.......lol..lol
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 01:41
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call an eskimo wi no ears?
Anything ye want cos he cannae hear ye!!:D
2little2late
05-Mar-06, 01:46
What do you call a man stood between two houses?
Ally.
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 01:53
What do you call a man who doesn't stay long with conversations?
Frank.:D
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
lmao...........[lol] [lol]
connieb19
05-Mar-06, 02:22
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Aileen....
why do ducks have webbed feet?
to put out fires
why do elephants have flat feet?
to put out burning ducks
why did the blond keep taking off and putting the pepsi bottle cap back on?
because it said, "sorry, try again".
Why did the blonde keep staring at the carton of orange juice........
It said concentrate
why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?
her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.
why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
because on the box it said, "from 2 - 4 years".
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 02:46
Why did the blonde keep staring at the carton of orange juice........
It said concentrate
ORANGE........Angela5,ye know what I'm on about all these jokes that we could put on the forum after the watershed...but ye cannae cos the youngsters will read them first thing in the morning......and I'm not talking about you Golach:lol: :lol: .
ORANGE........Angela5,ye know what I'm on about all these jokes that we could put on the forum after the watershed...but ye cannae cos the youngsters will read them first thing in th morning......and I'm not talking about you Golach:lol: .
ORANGE..........[lol] [lol]
I've loads more im itching to post...but the wee kiddies in the morn will be :confused:
Cedric Farthsbottom III
05-Mar-06, 03:09
ORANGE..........[lol] [lol]
I've loads more im itching to post...but the wee kiddies in the morn will be :confused:
Why did the punk cross the road?
Because he/she was stapled to the chicken.:lol:
connieb19
05-Mar-06, 03:39
Where does the one legged woman work?
The IHOP!!!
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