Gene Hunt
05-Mar-09, 19:45
Heard this term today for the first time and have come to the conclusion that I am one, in spirit anyway as I am married with three kids.
Lately the subject of masculinity has been thrown at me as I have had one of the twins removed due to illness. Others have questioned me about it but I am not fussed, its a non issue to me and I have been quite confused at the reaction of some men to me now, they all seem a bit drippy and emotional and I have found it quite off putting. I was speaking to my best friend today and he said it was because I was a Retrosexual. What followed was one of the funniest conversations (and subsequent e-mails) I have ever had, please allow me to share the ramblings, I figured a first thread should be at least be amusing.
Apparently Men were once rough and ready but our affinity for the attractively designed female of the species and their constant need to re-design us led to the "New Man", he talks about his feelings, is happy to do housework etc etc. What then followed was the Meterosexual, a straight man who embraces gay culture and who can cleanse tone and moisturise .. eh ?? We have now apparently come full circle as Retrosexual man is taking "manliness" back.
Here is the definition of a Reterosexual as given to me today.
Dress and Appearance .. Retrosexual man is scared of hair gel. He has seen "There is Something about Mary" and is suspicious about the ingredients. He can shave with a razor that has *gasp* just one blade and cares not that his neck is covered in red blotches. He knows the dash of aftershave and manly pain that ensues will cure that, he does not moisturise or tone. The only moisture applied to his face is when he is in the shower or when it rains, the only "Tone" he knows is a dodgy looking bloke with no teeth. Retrosexual man dresses plainly, nothing in pastel colours as Retrosexual man thinks the only word that should go with pastels is Rowntree. Reterosexual man is convinced that Armani was a Roman Ceasar and has a phone that is just a phone, it does NOT have an MP3 or camera on it. Mainly because he doesnt know what an MP3 is and cant use a camera.
Emotions .. Crying is reserved ONLY for when you are kicked in the testicles and you will apologise for your tears as soon as you have recovered. Crying is not to be performed over a woman in any way shape or form .. EVER. Retrosexual man winces at so called men crying on X factor when told they are rubbish. Bunch of girls. Defeat of a Football or Rugby team is to be taken stoically and without drama. Victory is to be taken the same way, a team mate scoring a goal or try is not an excuse to hug and kiss him, throw him on the ground and straddle him like a lover. Its a goal or a try, not the discovery of the meaning of life. Be a man.
Women .. Retrosexual man pays for everything on a date, he also opens the door for the woman. Not because he is a chauvinist but because he is a gentleman. However he does not get "deep" or "emotional" when with a woman, women have female friends to discuss that guff with. Women are to be respected and are NEVER allowed to do any DIY, that's mans work. This includes changing lightbulbs. Retrosexual man likes women who are strong confident and funny, if a woman isnt that way inclined then try the Metrosexuals for some emotional neediness.
His Car .. Usually a sporty model of car or a motorbike, it is clean but not immaculate. It is always right on the verge of running out of fuel and does not have a hands free kit. When he is driving he is driving, and that is something to be enjoyed. Retrosexual man demands that you will wait until he has stopped driving to speak to him. And no woman ever drives his car. Ever. There are also better than average odds that the CD in the player is a Top Gear compilation.
His Flat or House .. Decorated like a scene from Life on Mars. The sofa will be barely younger than the universe and there will be no scatter cushions or candles in sight, Satan is more welcome in the flat than them. The important things in the flat will be top spec and that means a TV, DVD, Blu Ray and Playstation are all in evidence. The kitchen is an afterthought and is stocked with tins of Spag Bol, Ravioli, and Macaroni Cheese. Retrosexual man thinks that if it cant be made in one pan it is of no use. The bedroom has a large comfy bed and nothing matches bedding wise. The flat is nearly always untidy as Retrosexual man lives in hope that the lady will tidy up before she leaves. She never does. Shocker.
In the Pub .. Retrosexual man stands at the bar. Sitting is lazy and is the first step to getting dragged in to a conversation with the women crowding the outer reaches of the bar. This to be avoided, Pub time is Man time, at least initially. He drinks Pints and or Shorts. Wine is not allowed, it is for drinking with food. Anyone ordering a drink and using the words "fruit beer" will be shunned, they should consider themselves lucky Retrosexual man has not killed them for blasphemy. Bar talk will only turn to current events and or sport when the physical attributes of every woman in the bar have been discussed and analysed. The top three women are then approached, starting with number 1. Retrosexual man aims high.
So Men .. Is this you ??
Lately the subject of masculinity has been thrown at me as I have had one of the twins removed due to illness. Others have questioned me about it but I am not fussed, its a non issue to me and I have been quite confused at the reaction of some men to me now, they all seem a bit drippy and emotional and I have found it quite off putting. I was speaking to my best friend today and he said it was because I was a Retrosexual. What followed was one of the funniest conversations (and subsequent e-mails) I have ever had, please allow me to share the ramblings, I figured a first thread should be at least be amusing.
Apparently Men were once rough and ready but our affinity for the attractively designed female of the species and their constant need to re-design us led to the "New Man", he talks about his feelings, is happy to do housework etc etc. What then followed was the Meterosexual, a straight man who embraces gay culture and who can cleanse tone and moisturise .. eh ?? We have now apparently come full circle as Retrosexual man is taking "manliness" back.
Here is the definition of a Reterosexual as given to me today.
Dress and Appearance .. Retrosexual man is scared of hair gel. He has seen "There is Something about Mary" and is suspicious about the ingredients. He can shave with a razor that has *gasp* just one blade and cares not that his neck is covered in red blotches. He knows the dash of aftershave and manly pain that ensues will cure that, he does not moisturise or tone. The only moisture applied to his face is when he is in the shower or when it rains, the only "Tone" he knows is a dodgy looking bloke with no teeth. Retrosexual man dresses plainly, nothing in pastel colours as Retrosexual man thinks the only word that should go with pastels is Rowntree. Reterosexual man is convinced that Armani was a Roman Ceasar and has a phone that is just a phone, it does NOT have an MP3 or camera on it. Mainly because he doesnt know what an MP3 is and cant use a camera.
Emotions .. Crying is reserved ONLY for when you are kicked in the testicles and you will apologise for your tears as soon as you have recovered. Crying is not to be performed over a woman in any way shape or form .. EVER. Retrosexual man winces at so called men crying on X factor when told they are rubbish. Bunch of girls. Defeat of a Football or Rugby team is to be taken stoically and without drama. Victory is to be taken the same way, a team mate scoring a goal or try is not an excuse to hug and kiss him, throw him on the ground and straddle him like a lover. Its a goal or a try, not the discovery of the meaning of life. Be a man.
Women .. Retrosexual man pays for everything on a date, he also opens the door for the woman. Not because he is a chauvinist but because he is a gentleman. However he does not get "deep" or "emotional" when with a woman, women have female friends to discuss that guff with. Women are to be respected and are NEVER allowed to do any DIY, that's mans work. This includes changing lightbulbs. Retrosexual man likes women who are strong confident and funny, if a woman isnt that way inclined then try the Metrosexuals for some emotional neediness.
His Car .. Usually a sporty model of car or a motorbike, it is clean but not immaculate. It is always right on the verge of running out of fuel and does not have a hands free kit. When he is driving he is driving, and that is something to be enjoyed. Retrosexual man demands that you will wait until he has stopped driving to speak to him. And no woman ever drives his car. Ever. There are also better than average odds that the CD in the player is a Top Gear compilation.
His Flat or House .. Decorated like a scene from Life on Mars. The sofa will be barely younger than the universe and there will be no scatter cushions or candles in sight, Satan is more welcome in the flat than them. The important things in the flat will be top spec and that means a TV, DVD, Blu Ray and Playstation are all in evidence. The kitchen is an afterthought and is stocked with tins of Spag Bol, Ravioli, and Macaroni Cheese. Retrosexual man thinks that if it cant be made in one pan it is of no use. The bedroom has a large comfy bed and nothing matches bedding wise. The flat is nearly always untidy as Retrosexual man lives in hope that the lady will tidy up before she leaves. She never does. Shocker.
In the Pub .. Retrosexual man stands at the bar. Sitting is lazy and is the first step to getting dragged in to a conversation with the women crowding the outer reaches of the bar. This to be avoided, Pub time is Man time, at least initially. He drinks Pints and or Shorts. Wine is not allowed, it is for drinking with food. Anyone ordering a drink and using the words "fruit beer" will be shunned, they should consider themselves lucky Retrosexual man has not killed them for blasphemy. Bar talk will only turn to current events and or sport when the physical attributes of every woman in the bar have been discussed and analysed. The top three women are then approached, starting with number 1. Retrosexual man aims high.
So Men .. Is this you ??