This is punny

[rockchick]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No,
just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said,"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced
on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting
on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar".
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"