View Full Version : Limerick
There was an ould wifie fae Croxter
Who ran fae a sheepie 'at boxed her
If it wisna for tinks
'At were crossin' ai Links
She'd be blue fae her heels till her Oxter !!
Thanks for starting this thread, trinkie! I love limericks!! :D Here's one I've just made up aboot masel'! ;)
There wis a young lassie fae Thurso
Who married a Yankee some years ago
He then whisked her away
Fae that toon by the bay
An' noo she's a lang way hame til go!
There wis an ould mannie fae Week
Got so drounk that he hardly could speak
When he got hame til bed
His ould wife she saw red
So he slept in 'e dowg hoose all week!
There wis a young laddie fae Haster
Who choost couldna run ony faster
He put on roller skates
An' o'er took his young mates
An' waved at his mam as he passed her!
A long legged lassie from Reay
Got on her bike one fine day
With all of her will
she pedalled until
She landed up in Dounreay....Hoo-ray !
That silver-haired man from the Org
Got lost one dark night in the forg
He'd forgotten his key
Then stumbled, and he
Tripped over his shaggy-haired dorg.
A strange little lassie from Week
With a nose just like that of a Peke
Got on the bus
And made such a fuss
When she thought she wis goin' till be seek !
An Arty-farty from Lyth
Whose drawings were usually nythe
But I nearly fainted
When I saw what she'd painted -
A Bowl of Red Goo and some Rythe !
There once wis a wifie fae Keiss
Whose bairns widna gie her some peace
She packed up her beach bag
As she puffed on a fag
Then she wheeched the bairns all off till Reiss!
There once wis a mannie fae Forss
Who rode into Thurso by horse
Dobbin sped to a gallop
Chiel fell doon wi' a wallop
Wis he sair? Yes indeed, aye of course!
There wis a young groom fae Glengolly
Whose beautiful bride wis named Molly
They got married in June
Then went on honeymoon
And the very next year wis born Polly!
A poor ould mannie fae Watten
Went oot in the sun - hat forgotten
His head turned bright red
So he went till his bed
Wi me - and sheets of soft cotton.
A smart young lady from Dunnet
Was fond of wearing a Bunnet
She'd one with a rose
But it tickled her nose
So she stuck some daisies upon it.
There once lived an artist in Paris
Who sported a beard like Rolf Harris
His name was Lautrec
Not born in Quebec
And he painted a woman named Alice.
That venerable Old Man of Hoy
One day when only a boy
Stood out in the water
Though he knew he didn't oughter
Then stayed, for the birds to enjoy.
There was an ould mannie fae Milton
Who went out one day wi' his kilt on
The kep on his heed
Was pure Harris Tweed
His slippers, the finest Wilton.
A strange little man from Dunbeath
Had only two or three teeth
When asked how he ate
he replied 'I lick my plate
and catch all the bits underneath.'
Lavenderblue2
21-Jul-07, 17:00
There was a young man from Clyth
Who cut off his toe with a scythe
To the doc he did hobble
Without neer a wobble
And now he is merry and blythe.
Lavenderblue2
21-Jul-07, 17:06
There was an old woman of Forss
Near pensionable age of course
She cleared out a press
Got in a terrible mess
And now she is full of remorse.
Lavenderblue2
21-Jul-07, 17:13
There once was a little white doggie
Fell in love with an old tabby moggie
The tabby let fly
Nearly took out her eye
Now doggies decidedly groggy.
Tubthumper
21-Jul-07, 17:43
There was an old man called Tubthumper
Who drove into his neighbour's bumper
It wasn't a joke
The car was all broke
He had to get Speedy's to dump 'er
Guess who's back...
Lavenderblue2
21-Jul-07, 21:38
There was a young lassie from Mey
Who went for a lark in the hay
She started to sneeze
Then to cough and to wheeze
Antihistamines came into play.
Lavenderblue2
21-Jul-07, 21:40
There was a young lassie from Ham
Her boyfriend was known as young Tam
He took her to Brough
Where they lay by the loch
Now they may have to purchase a pram. :eek:
The man from the Castle o' Mey
Hopes till be King one day,
When they asked the fine filla
Why he merried Camilla
He said, he'd loved her forever an' ae
A lady by the Pentland Firth
Was full of jollity and mirth
When asked why she laughed
She said 'Och dont be daft -
This is better than living in Perth !''
A lassie from Latheronwheel
Fell doon on the ground quite unweel
Two men tried to lift her
But they couldn't shift her
Cos she's just had a very big meal.
A grumpy ould mannie from Keiss
One day hed till call the Police
When they asked 'Fit's wrong ?'
It took him so long
To say he'd been chased by some g-g-geese.
A sensible man wis Jock Bain
He never went oot in the rain
When asked ' Why d'ye stay in?'
He said 'I'm far too thin
An micht fall doon ai drain!'
There was a young lady from Bower
Who lived in a golden tower
When asked how she got there
she replied 'Plenty hot air
and a balloon, for almost an hour'
Lavenderblue2
22-Jul-07, 09:14
A sporting young girlie from Dunn
entered a marathon run
she managed the miles
but there werent many smiles
when the prize was a cinnamon bun.
Lavenderblue2
22-Jul-07, 09:16
A gluttonous lady from Forss
So ravenous she ate up a horse
She swallowed it whole
Along with its foal
And now she is dead of course.
Great Fiddler that son of a Gunn
Plays music like no other one
When he picks up his bow
Start tapping your toe
Cos you're in for a night full of fun.
A poor little Scottie from Sordale
While suffering a very bad sore tail
Would snarl if you neared him
The bairnies all feared him
So they ran off and played with the Airedale.
A funny ould wifie from Skirza
Went on the bus up till Thursa
But when she got there
She wondered just where
She'd been - here or vice versa ?
On days when the rain's really pourin'
And things around you are borin'
Just come to this site
With piccies so bright
And post on the Caithness Org forum!
On days when the rain's really pourin'
And things around you are borin'
Just come to this site
With piccies so bright
And post on the Caithness Org forum!
Sorry Sporran could'na resist[lol]
And when things around ye are borin'
Just come to this site
if your looking for a fight
and post on the Caithness Org forum
There was a young man from Australie,
Who painted his a r s e like a dahlia,
The colour was fine . the picture sublime,
The smell. AH there was the failure!
With apologies to our antipodean friends.
A peedie wee lassie named Heather
Ventured out in Caithness wild weather
She put up her brolly
But that was her folly
For the wind wheeched her off like a feather!
There was a young lad in Auld Reekie
Whose behaviour was always quite cheeky
One day while at school
He broke every rule
Now he's grounded at home for a weekie!
There was a young woman from Ormlie
Who went on a daily walk norm'lly
She sauntered downtown
In a cute summer gown
And the lads all smiled at her warmly!
A sweet bonnie lass by the Trinkie
Met a handsome young, virile young Tinkie
Oh the look on his face
As he untied her lace
Then beckoned her doon with his pinkie.
Div ye mind young Louis Cabrelli
Whose ice-cream delighted wur Nellie
That warm glow insider her
As she licked her big slider
That slid richt doon till her belly.
The folk here on the forum
With their brand of homespun decorum
Have stories and rhymes from The Sun to The Times
Sure, there's nothing here to bore 'em.
There was a a young chappy called Andy
Who was a bit of a dandy
He looked in the mirror
Said "Boy, you're a winner!"
Then dashed off to meet his date Mandy.
There was a rich man from Toronto
Who demanded his meals be served pronto
His Italian chef was slow
Therefore he was forced to go
Now he's heading back home to Sorrento.
There wis a mannie owld Hughie
Who lek'd a dram o' Drambuie
He drank his bottle dry
An' he wis a thursty guy
Noo he's headed doon o'er 'e Struie.
A bonnie young lass from Cairndhuna
Fell for a laddie from Huna
When they got wed
And lay doon on their bed
She thought she had landed on Puna
There wis a fair lassie fae Mey
Who wis in the family way
When asked "Who dunnit?"
She said "A lad fae Dunnet
An' noo he's gone far, far away!" :~(
Up by Scrabster Hill Polo
A wifie went walking solo
And though a strong wind blew
It wis such a lovely view
Fae that roond steen folly wi' the hole-o.
There wis a mannie fae Murkle
Whose wife chased him wi' a spirtle
He'd missed his aim
At a darts board game
And broke her very best crystal.
Kingetter
24-Jul-07, 21:35
There once was a feller called Carl
Like a Viking he'd a fearsome snarl
He worried dogs and scared the cats
And even frightened great big rats
So his neighbours renamed him The Jarl.
There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his rear like a dahlia,
The colour was fine,
The picture sublime.
The smell ahh there was the failure!
There once was a mannie from Kaitness
Who suddenly thought he was weightless
He sat on a chair
Which really wasn't there
Now lies in perfect peace and quaitness.
Lear wrote - ( I call them Learmanicks)
There was an old man with a beard
Who said 'Just as I feared
Two Owls and a Hen
Four larks and a Wren
Have all built their nests in my beard.'
There was a young lady from Ryde
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied;
She purchased some clogs
And some small spotty dogs
And frequently walk around Ryde.
There was an old man of Dundee
Who frequented the top of a tree
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose
And exclaimed ' I'll return to Dundee.'
There was a fat lady of Clyde
Whose shoelaces once came untied
She feared that to bend
Would display her rear end
So she cried and she cried and she cried.
There was a fat lady of Bryde
Whose shoelaces once came untied
She didn't dare stoop
For fear she would poop
So she cried and she cried and she cried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lear was Drawing Master to Queen Victoria.
It was said of Lear -
There once was an artist named Lear
Who wrote verse to make children cheer,
Though they never made sense
Their success was immense
And the Queen thought Lear a dear .
Edward Lear is also famous for writing that well known poem, "The Owl and the Pussycat". You can read more about him here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Lear
There wis a young chiel fae Scrabster
Who fancied himsel' as a rap star
But he got 'e goat
O' 'e men on 'e boats
'At aspirin' young rapper fae Scrabster.
That reminds me ..... do you know this one ?
Sinking poem by Mal Peet
The Owl and the Pussy cat went out to sea
In a poem by Edward Lear
After a while Owl said with a smile
'This poem is sinking I fear .'
'Oh Pussy dear Pussy, I really must fly
There's water got into this verse
'Besides I've a hunch I was meant for your lunch
Or breakfast, or dinner or worse.'
Ah lek a Scots actor named Ewan
He's in several movies fur viewan'
He wis born in sma' toon o' Crieff
Choost look at him noo, guid grief!
Til see him perform folks are queuan'!
A Scotsman who ate mince and tatties
Two boiled eggs and three fish patties
Went off to be sick
Then continued his trick
By eating four greasy chapattis.
Ah lek a Scots actor named Sean
He is ma favourite James Bond
When he wis 007
'E ladies were in heaven
Alas, Sean's Bond days are gone! :~(
Whilst singing the 23rd Psalm
In a church doon roond aboot Ham
As I reached a high note
Something stuck in my throat
Which ruined the peace and the calm.
Welsh actress Catherine Zeta-Jones
Is blessed with beauty, high cheekbones
Wed to Michael, son of Kirk
That's why he wears a happy smirk
But does she call him dad - when they're alone?? ;)
Next we sang " By Cool Siloam's "
But my silly head was full of poems
Then I felt outrageously sick
When I threw up a Limerick !!
Tubthumper
26-Jul-07, 21:57
A singer, a groovy old cat
Lost the head, after he'd lost his hat
He went quite too far
And smashed up the bar
Now he feels a bit of a prat
A mannie fae doon the coast
Ate nothing but boiled eggs and toast
He never did marry
Too long did he tarry
'A Bachelor Gay' was his boast.
But one day our bachelor gay
Met a merry widow from Mey
Now he eats his eggs fried
Soon they'll be groom and bride
A toast to them both on that day!
A Postman was wearing his shorts
And a pair of the brightest red sorx
When he handed the mail
To a gal old and frail
She got quite a thrill ..... of sorts.
There was a fine mannie called Griff
Who climbed up Ben Hope in a jiff
When he got to the top
He just couldn't stop
And nearly fell over the cliff.
There was a fine mannie called Griff
Who climbed up Ben Hope in a jiff
When he got to the top
He just couldn't stop
And nearly fell over the cliff.
I missed that programme last night.:~( Hope it's repeated.
Airdlass---
Twas a programme I really enjoyed
Though my climbing skills are devoid
Just let me play tennis
With my good friend Dennis
But Munros I tend to avoid.
Oh trinkie, I hope you only mean climbing Munros and not "my" Munros! ;) :eek:
Angela ...
When it comes to climbing Munros
There's one thing I suppose
A long length of rope
A prayer and some hope
And a cheil at the top who knows.
There wis a young damsel fae Dyce
Who wis afa feart o' wee mice
She'd get a beeg scare
Then jump oan a chair
An' her ear piercin' scream wisna nice! :eek:
While singing a song in the bath
I thought I heard somebody laugh
It was only the duck
With the loofah so stuck
That it looked like Gerry the Giraffe.
A few from ' I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue.'
I've just bought a fully trained moth
Who can swim like a fish in Scotch broth
To end his routine
He farts 'God Save the Queen'
Has anyone here got a cloth?
~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I sadly are parting
In our lounge is a farm she is starting
She's fed all the pigs
On syrup of figs
No wonder my eyes are still smarting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The thing about wearing a kilt
Is it tends to reveal how I'm built
But should you chance your arm
It has an alarm
And my sporran lights up and says 'Tilt!'
~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night I was roused by the pipes
Being played by a band of strange types
They then tossed a caber
And shouted 'Vote Labour'
My sporran lit up and said 'Cripes'
~~~~~~~~~~~
I've a small breed of dog called a Scottie
Who's house-trained and sits on a potty
He gives a loud yap
The mischievous chap
Then stands up and wipes his wee bottie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The art of the old Highland Reel
Is to spin round upon your left heel
Then you waggle your dirk
With a bit of a smirk
At least those are my grounds for appeal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was courting a girl from the north
Who in the sack-race had come fourth
She had a slight lisp
But her diction was crisp
When she said ''Get your hand out my drawth!''
I was courting a girl from the south
Who had a most kissable mouth
But my friend from the north
Said ' You realithe of courth
She'th built like the thide of a howth!'
I was courting a girl from the east
Who was Ipswich's first woman priest
She was tall, blond and lissom
And loved exorcism
Dial 666 and ask for the beast
I was courting a girl from the west
Who had a tattoo on her chest
'Twas a portrait of Gazza
And each one who has her
Says '' Blimey, love, pull down your vest''
The limericks above are so clever
They certainly beat my endeavours
But I'll keep on tryin'
And I ain't lyin'
I could keep at this rhymin' forever! :)
There was a fine fellow fae Forres
Whose bonnie blonde bride was named Doris
To their very great joy
She gave birth to twin boys
Whom they proudly named Boris and Horace.
I was dating a guy from the States
We married, became lawful mates
Had one son and then another
No sisters, but each has a brother
But grandkids? - We'll just have to wait!
I married a mannie named Horace
Whose twin brother was aptly named Boris,
Though they had no sister
They couln't resist-a
Trip back to see Doris in Forres.
I like to wear a pretty dress
Makes me feel good, I must confess!
High heels, silk pantyhose
Lipstick in shade of rose
And French perfume, the very best! :)
Ah lek 'e Thirsa Gala photies
An' e' clever, colourful floaties
Aall folkies hed fun
'E owld an' 'e young
Hid's aall worth a very guid votie!
There was a young lady went north to Caithness,
She fell in a bog, "Oh dear what a mess!"
Her hair it is covered with slime,
Her knees they are coated with grime.
I won't mention the state of her dress!
There once was a lady quite fair,
Hair shade of blonde that was rare.
When she tossed her head
All the ladies saw red,
While the men just tried hard not to stare !
There was a handsome Scotsman in a kilt
Climbed the famous tower of Pisa that tilts
All the ladies of Pisa
Thought his wife was lucky Lisa
When they looked up and saw how he was built.
There was a wee mannie fae Dorran
Who was proud of wearing a sporran
But a lassie fae Week
Hed a wee peek
And found he was only florran.
There was a pair of pretty pals from Portree
Went to Inverness city on shopping spree
When they got back to Skye
They caught the locals' eye
In their fashionable new clothes, much to their glee!
There wis a wifie fae the village o' Culloden
Whose daily mode of dress just wisna modern
She dressed like in the fifties
But thought herself sae nifty
And her husband always dressed in kilt and sporran.
There once wis a spinster fae Stirling
Who wis always dancing and birling
She got dizzy one day
As she danced and pranced away
To the bagpipes, as they were loudly skirling.
There was a young lady from Kent,
Who once spent a night in a very small tent.
Now she was quite tall,
The tent it was small,
So now she's all bucked and bent!
There once wis a damsel fae Dunoon
Went ootside in her bonnie nichtgoon
She went a' the way doontoon
In the bricht daylicht o' noon
Noo she's back in bed by licht o' silv'ry moon!
A walk in the country they took,
Picnic basket, good wine and a book,
But read they did not
And as they got hot,
Thought it time to cool off in the brook!
While driving my little green Morris
I spotted an old friend Doris,
She gave me a smile
But all the while
Her thoughts were on a chap called Boris.
There was an Old Lady whose folly
Induced her to sit on some holly,
Whereon by a thorn
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lifeboat that's kept at Torquay,
Is intended to float in the suay.
The crew and coxswain
Are sturdy as oxswain,
And as smart and as brave as can be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man called Pete
Whose hair hung down to his feet,
Said Val to John
'It's getting too long,
We can't let him out on the street'
Karen Fisher age 10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old lady from Beddy
Who went out for a walk with a teddy,
And when she came back
The teddy was fat,
Because he had eaten the lady.
Robert Walker age 6.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man with a slipper,
Who slashed at a very fat Kipper,
He chopped it in two,
And said 'This will do
To eat for my lunch and my sipper.'
Andrew Fisher age 6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A strange little wifie from Lieurary
Bent doon to smell a floorary
The flooer made her sneeze
In the cool evening breeze,
And she landed up in Dounereay.
There was a young lady from Dunoon'
Who spotted a handsome young loon,
She fluttered her lashes,
Adjusted her sashes,
And now they will wed the first week in June.
There wis a man in Carnoustie
Whose golf shoes were gettin' right foostie
Fae Carnoustie Links
Came an awful stink
Till he bought a new pair for his footsies!
I like to go shopping at stores
When I'm feeling a little bit bored
Perhaps some new shoes
Handbag in same hue
Or a cute teddy bear to adore! :)
There was an old lady from Hove,
Who got her head stuck in the stove.
Her hair it was frizzled,
It looked very grizzled.
So now she's no on the move.
There was a damsel from Devon
Went on a date with 007
He was able to prove
He knew all the right moves
Now she thinks she's in 00 Heaven!
A man in the Thurso Pipe Band
Could play all his tunes Oh so grand,
But his knobbly knees
Whenever he'd sneeze,
Turned pink as though were tanned.
In days of old the Earl of Castle Dunnottar
Was the father of a lovely, lithesome daughter
To this fortess by the sea
South of bonnie River Dee
Many nobles set on marriage came and sought her.
Lavenderblue2
13-Aug-07, 22:56
A woman complained of a letter
In the hope itd make her feel better
Lambasted in rage
On the general page
Much safer to stick with the Lit-ter
Tubthumper
13-Aug-07, 23:08
A woman, of ladies the most
Complained bitterly 'bout the post
The mailman she said
Left her letter for dead
And Council Tax thence was ungrossed
A Persian belly dancer from Tehran
Caught the eye of a young admiring man
But every time she wiggled
She gave out a little giggle
He asked "Are you happy?" she said "Yes, I am!"
While thumping my tub one fine day
There was something I wanted to say-
What riled me most
Was the cost of the post,
That LB2 omitted to pay.
There was a woman named Audrey
Fae near Aberdeen's Pittodrie
After drinks and a meal
In stiletto heels
Her walking became a bit wobbly.
A mannie called Jimmy Shand
Played wonderful music wi' his Scottish Band.
But all the while,
There wis never a smile
On the face of Jimmy Shand.
There was a young lady from Noss
Who fell in love with her boss,
A richt handsome cheil
Though a bit down at heel,
But she didna care a toss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A gallant young laddie from Forse
One day when riding his horse
Fell into the dirt
His pride O so hurt-
Came before the fall, of course.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cat was chasing some mice
Whod tasted the cream rather nice !
He chased them outside
But the moosies did hide
In a big pot of mustard and spice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dougie was chasing a cat
Who fell down dead on the mat
The dougie looked glum
Cos shed bitten his bum
What a cheek ! Fancy that !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mannie who lived doon by Bruan
Met a lassie who came from Struan
He coorted her richt
By day and by nicht
An that was the start of his ruin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My uncle, when once a young boy,
Met a girl a wee bittie coy,
He took her oot dancin
An a bit of romancin
Till her father chased him up Hoy !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a collection of Limericks
Edited by Tom Keegan.
There was a young person named Tait,
Took a girl out to eat at 8.08
But I will not relate
What Tate and his date
Ate, tete-a-tete at 8.08
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once lived a certain Miss Gale,
Who turned exceedingly pale
For a mouse climbed her leg
( Dont repeat this I beg )
And a splinter got caught in his tail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A foreigner said I have heard
Your language is really absurd.
The spelling is weird
Much worse than I feared,
For word rhymes with bird, nerd or curd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Vikings had sagas of yore,
Of monsters and hunting the boar,
The poems he said
Were all in his head
No wonder his spelling was pour.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A right-handed writer named Wright
In writing write always wrote rite
When he meant to write write
If hed written write right,
Wright would not have wrought rot writing rite.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Said a boy to his teacher one day,
Wright has not written rite right I say
And the teacher replied
As the error she eyed.
Right! Wright: write write right, right away !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wandering tribe called the Siouxs
Wear moccasins having no shiouxs,
They are made of buckskin,
With the fleshy side in,
Embroidered with beads of bright hiouxs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There wis an auld salt, a sailor fellow
Who hailed fae Auld Reekie's Portobello
He sailed fae Firth o' Forth
Then navigated north
On his good ship, the auld Mellow Yellow.
There wis a man fae Kirkcaldy
Who liked to drink some hot toddy
After beers and good grub
At his fave local pub
He'd sing like Showaddywaddy.
Gleber2, I hope you don't mind that I've written a limerick about you! :cool:
There is a chiel who lives on Dunnet Heid
He wis born an' bred in toon o' Thirsa's Glebe
He's a talented musician
A musical sensation
An' he'll keep on playin' guitar until he's deid!
There was a young lady from Leith,
Who lost her set of false teeth.
Now on soup she having to dine,
Washed down with glasses of wine'
Supplied by her beau name of Keith.
I don't like when the internet's down
The inconvenience makes me frown
Can't log on to fave sites
Oh dear, what a plight
Instead, I'll go shopping downtown!
There was a young lady from Troon,
She raced with an egg and a spoon,
The problem arose when her legs would n't stop.
She ran and she ran until she did drop.
Tis said she collapsed in Dunoon.
Tubthumper
24-Aug-07, 22:43
There once was a teacher called Wullie
Who couped o'er a cliff in a gully
He shouted out "Oy!
Yes, You there! That boy!
Get your erse over her in a hully!"
There was a fella called Cliff
He and his wife had a big tiff
It caused thirst for beer
So he said "My dear
Off to pub, be back in a jiff!"
There was a woman from Brora
Whose husband was a loud snora
When shoved out of bed
He bumped his head
Now they sleep together no mora!
There was a man from Thurso East
Who was hairy all over, like a beast
He came out at night
And gave folk a fright
Till he had a good shave, at least!
There was a lovely lady, Louise
Who had long locks right down to her knees
Her pretty dresses
Were hidden by tresses
Indeed, her hair was a disgees!
There was a pregnant lady, Lucille
Who wished her condition to conceal
She said "Bloated with gas"
But her boss said "Dear lass"
"That must have been an all-you-can-eat meal!"
There is a silly man "Mr Bean",
One of the funniest chaps I've ever seen
Grown up body, mind like a boy
We all know his favourite toy
Teddy, with whom he sleeps and dreams.
Lavenderblue2
31-Aug-07, 07:58
It was ten years ago to the day
Princess Diana was taken away
Such a beautiful girl
Left our hearts in a twirl
Her death caused the whole world to sway.
We will not forget the People's Princess
Her beauty, grace, charm and kindness
Touched us all, young and old
She truly had a heart of gold
Diana, Princess of Wales, Her Royal Highness.
There was an old lady I knew
Who made a delicious stew
Twas the best I have eaten
It could not be beaten
No wonder my waistline grew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wifie who loved to dance
Got up when given the chance
As the music started playing
She began her Sway.....innggggg
Which often lead to romance !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lavenderblue2
03-Sep-07, 11:49
For the summer a young lad did stay
With grandparents, old and so grey
Alone he did fly
In a plane in the sky
How they’ll miss him when he goes away.:~(
He goes tomorrow - and by the way, he's not the pilot, he's only 8!
For the summer a young lad did stay
With grandparents, old and so grey
Alone he did fly
In a plane in the sky
How theyll miss him when he goes away.:~(
He goes tomorrow - and by the way, he's not the pilot, he's only 8!
Try not to be too blue
Dear Lavenderblue2
He'll be back again one day
For another summer stay
With dear Grandpa and you! :)
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 22:04
Tubthumper's not poem'd for ages
His ravings once covered the pages
He resorted to booze
But then found a muse
Who a-mused him and calmed down his rages
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 22:57
Though born as result of a tussle
That caused his Dad to pull a muscle
A crisp-bag by chance
He keeps in his pants
And that's why the girls call him Russel
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:00
A laddie from near Craigendorran
Who dressed in a kilt with a sporran
Instead of just hare
He kept rabbits up there
And all of the girls called him Warren
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:03
There once was a lazy wee slob
Who just didn't want a good job
He cut off every limb
Then attempted to swim
And was known evermore just as Bob
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:06
A guy at the seaside caused tiff
By standing around tall and stiff
Large birds, like the gull
Would roost on his skull
Guess what? He's best known as Cliff
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:16
An undersea creature quite swish
That fried makes a fair tasty dish
Most unlikely to be
It just cannot see
It hasn't got I's - it's a Fsh
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:20
This limerick's rubbish I fear
My poetry's turning out queer
What horned mammal to call
That has no eyes at all
Well of course - it must be no-eye-deer
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:25
A rubber suit man spent time sobbin'
His tears fell, his heart was just throbbin'
He was slim, not too fat
All dressed up like a bat
He was mourning the loss of his Robin
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:29
Three soldiers, to keep country free
Go scouting to find Bacon Tree
They get took by surprise
By some enemy guys
'It's a Ham-Bush!' they cry as they flee
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:39
There is a fine lady called Betty
Who works at the Scrabster pier jetty
She grafts oh so hard
Loading fish, rice and lard
Poor Betty the jetty-maid's sweaty
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:43
I know of a girl name of Lynn
Whose job is to empty my bin
She rakes through the mess
And then says, more or less
'You must do much more recyclin'
Tubthumper
03-Sep-07, 23:46
I deserve to be given the strap
As I've fallen into an old trap
I'm up to old tricks
These alleged limericks
Are aged poor jokes and just cr*p
I'm rolling with laughter right here
And I've not even had any beer
Tubby's been on a roll
With his limericks droll
Now I'm feeling so full of good cheer! :D
Well done Tubthumper - what a way to start my day !
It's fun to be silly from time to time !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whilst hanging my washing one day
In the breeze it started to sway
Then some Strawberry pickers
Noticed my knickers
And smiled at the abundant display.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Filled with fanciful glee
I sat in the shade, neath a tree,
Surrounded by flowers
In such leafy bowers
Sipping my rose-scented tea.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tubthumper
06-Sep-07, 18:59
The dour undertaker from Gerse
Saw no humour in limerick verse
But his daughter so fine
Had a bust quite divine
And also a wonderful hearse
Tubthumper
06-Sep-07, 19:04
A newly-wed laddie took fright
In the bedroom on honeymoon night
Her teeth and her hair
She laid on the chair
While her glass eye was stored out of sight
Tubthumper
06-Sep-07, 19:11
A lady who worked at Dounreay
Met her ideal man online one day
Says he's tall with blonde hair
And with muscle to spare
But he turned out quite old, short and grey
Tubthumper
06-Sep-07, 19:14
A lady in Post Office franking
Had all of the scaffie-men thanking
She threw out the cash
In a bag with the trash
And she got such a terrible spanking
Tubthumper
06-Sep-07, 19:17
If you in the woods go today
You will get quite a shock, so they say
Those sweet teddy-bears
With no concerns or cares
Are running around nakedly
Tubthumper
06-Sep-07, 19:58
My 400th post on this forum
I'm just about losing decorum
Whether pome or haiku
I ain't got a clue
I try to enthuse 'em, not bore 'em
:lol:
Tubby's doing so well to amuse
To entertain is his ruse
With his humour and wit
His rhyming verse fits
And certainly does us enthuse! :D
From the women of Poltney I knew
One was merried till an ould mannie Hugh,
Whose face was too thin
With a gash on his chin
So a big bushy beard he did grew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anither auld wifie called Nelly
Who never once owned a Telly,
Was calm and at peace
Wi a day oot at Keiss
An a picnic or two in her belly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I dont want till hold a grudge
But that wifie, Jessie Budge
Chased us one day
At her door wi did play -
Then gave us some home-made Fudge !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Setting off on another Guild Outing
With much hearty laughing and shouting
''Hev ye minded wur Bella
Fa's leaving her fella for the day -
As he sits there a-grouting.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As they travel so slow o'er the Ord
All is quiet - not e'er a word,
Then Maggie starts singing
Soon the rafters are ringing,
Her voice still as sweet as a bird.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next they stop to have some tea
An a bisuit, which fills them with glee,
But Chinnad gets restless
An says till the rest o' us
''I could really do with a Pea.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So off they go roon' the hedge
( Be sure till keep back from the edge!)
For beneath is a gorge
Of chasm's it's large,
With a stream now covered in sedge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now back on the bus they all go
Maggie an' Bella an' Flo
Ina an' Bessie
Chean, Chane an' Chessie
Withoot all their men -
Chist the driver Cho !!
How I would have loved to have been there ! My mother brought back a beautiful work bag for me - plaited straw with felt appliqued flowers- which I still have more than fifty years on - it sits in my cupboard wrapped in tissue paper.
Lavenderblue2
10-Sep-07, 08:38
Remember Cedric? Well, he’s back!
With the poetry he’s got the knack
He was gone for the summer
To some, twas a bummer
But now we’ll expect lots of crack!
There was a man in Auld Reekie
Whose manner was mild and meekie
He came from up North
And he liked Scotch Broth
But his fave soup was Cock-a-Leekie
There was young a girl in Auld Reekie
Who had a very large beakie
When comments arose
'Bout the size of her nose
The poor lass would get rather weepie! :~(
A greedy wee lassie called Gill
Wad sit an eat her fill
Then wash it all doon
Slurping frae a spoon,
How she wished she'd a Pelican's Bill.
A funny ould wifie called May
Roamed doon aroond Poltney Brae
An there wan nicht
She got such a fricht
When ould Donald stood in her way.
.................................................. ..........
There was an ould mannie fa's nose
Twitched at the scent of a rose,
He'd smell the flooers
For hoors and hoors
Now why wis that, d'ye suppose?
.................................................. ..........
Himself and myself wondered whether
We should call our dochter 'Heather'
Or Gladys or Bell,
Chinnad or Nell,
He said ''It depends on the weather.''
.................................................. ........
Our first-born we called him Ted
Short for Edward, twas said,
Then we tried for another,
Sister or brother,
Cos we liked his hair bright red!
.................................................. ........
Today I am feeling quite blue
Cos I haven't heard from you
For such a long time
Not in verse or in rhyme
Oh send me a line please do .
.................................................. .
There was an ould mannie whose wit
Was as keen and as sharp as a spit
When he sat down to dine
Round about nine,
The candles were all duly lit.
.................................................. ...
A handsome young laddie called Ben
Wondered just where or when
Is the time to be married
Too long he has tarried,
So he's off to find a wee hen.
.................................................. ..
Yon Flora is a handsome dame
Though thirty now she looks the same
As when at school
With other girls
An she wore her hair in ringlet curls.
.................................................. ........
I wonder 'boot Chimmie an Chon
An how they both got on,
When they played such a trick
On the bus doon till Wick,
With a frog they hed put in a scone !
.................................................. ........
When I merried ma fella that day
I was shocked when I heard him pray
That for better or worse
He would be into verse
All the wise things that I would say !
.................................................. ...........
There was an old mannie called Ern
Who went swimming each day in the burn
In winter he froze
You could tell by his nose
And where he did put a small fern
There was an ould mannie called Ted
Fa's hoose was just a tin shed
But the Banjo he played
Wherever he strayed
From morning till he lay doon in bed.
Today I've a sorry tale
Of a mannie who cam fae Dale
He went off till France
Danced a Merry Dance
When on his plate he found a Snail !
.................................................. ..........
Once a boyagie called Toots
Went oot in his tackedy boots.
He slid on ai rod
An said ''Oh ma God''
My boots are kaput, poor Toots in Boots !
.................................................. ..
A wifie one day went out shopping
Discovered her left leg was hopping
So she looked all around
Bent down to the ground
And saw that her stocking was dropping.
.................................................. .............
A milkman who likes globe-trotting
Sets off every year without plotting
His route round the world.......
Though his hair has been curled
To resemble a Hottentotting.
.................................................. ..........
There was an owld mannie from Dunnet
Who loved to wear his best bunnet
One day in the wind
His bunnet god binned
An' he searched and he searched 'til he funnet
There was a young chap lived in Huna
Who was fairly partial to Bhuna
He ate it so fast
His hunger was vast
And he needed a much bigga spoona
There once was a lady so merry
As she jumped on the Orkney Ferry
There on the St Ola
They gave her a Cola
Though she'd much prefer a sweet Sherry.
.................................................. ............
There once was a lady so sad
Her day had been awfully bad,
She started in Keiss
And finished in Reiss,
Hoping to find a rich Lad .
.............................................
I hear that a modern trend
Is to email a special friend
But I think it better
To write a sweet letter,
Then pop to the postbox to send.
..............................................
The post I hear is on strike
So I jump on my green racing bike
And pedal to Reay
On a fine clear, bright day
Hoping to speak to old Mike.
.................................................. .......
A farmer was cutting the Hay
When his thoughts began to stray
''If I were in France
given half a chance,
I down some Burgundy.''
.................................................. .......
Div ye mind yin mannie called Sanny
Fa drove a little ould vannie
Whereever he'd go
Maybe fast, maybe slow
He'd always end up in ai stranny.
.................................................. ........
The Venerable Reverend Roy
Though shy and rather coy,
Stayed for fifty long years
Through the laughs and the tears
Of his flock Hip Hip Hooroy !
.................................................. ...
A Bobby called Clinkin' Heelies
Showed no mercy to country Cheilies
As they drank in the bars
Then jumped in their cars
An drove roon an' roon doing Wheelies.
.................................................. .............
The mannie next door called Chon
Went oot with no Kep on
Got a bad could
He's getting too ould
On his chest Old Vic I'll rub on.
.................................................. .............
A mannie who wanted to climb
Up a Hill if he had the time
Wondered where he wad go
Nevis - Munro
Or Morven so hard to rhyme
.................................................. ........
There wis a chielie fae Huna
Whose fav'rite sandwich wis tuna
One day there wis none
In his lunch time bun
Which caused 'e chielie til fuma! [mad]
A bonnie young Postie from Mey
Called Sheena as I've heard say,
Recently Retired from her Post
So inspired
Now sits on her Swing all the day.
My thanks to our good friend Colin
Who helped when the Forum was fallin'
From years of hard work
He never did shirk,
Good Luck in your life's new Callin'
trinkie
Now Colin's an Orger like us
He'll have less bother and fuss
More time to enjoy
With his wife and wee boy
All the best, and thank you from us! :)
Sporran
Last night, a young lassie Eileen,
Went out guising for Halloween
Hoards of goodies so sweet
Went down a right treat
Now she's bloated and feeling so green! :eek:
A glamorous lady our queen
As chic as ever was seen
When she dresses in Pink
I really do think
It's much nicer that brilliant Lime Green !
A glamorous gal is our Bitty
I decided to write a wee ditty
Bout her dresses and shoes
As she strolls down the Mews
But her seams are not straight what a pity.
Oh the style of Lavenderblue
I must say, theres only a few
Who could match her for grace
In any old place
All the others just dont have a clue !
..
Our Sporran will buck the trend
From John OGroats to Lands End
Her styles at a pinnacle
( Now dont be so cynical )
Theres no reason for you to offend.
.
Angelas got what it takes
Her gems are all real wot no fakes?
She wears such posh Pearls
Entwined through her curls
Glistening like soft snow flakes.
.
Trinkie is trying her best
But in summer she still wears a vest
Like all city slickers
She dons fleecy knickers
And sticks oot her handsome chest.
.
But theyre all such glamorous gals
Who love strolling out with their pals
Such wicked old floozies
In high-heelder shoesies
Purchased from top Shopping Malls.
..
Another gem Trinkie!!:) What a picture that would make!!;)
A real Kool Kat is our Airdlass
Though long she must wait for her Bus Pass
Her shoes are so pointed
She's quite double-jointed
You can tell by the way she Rumbass
...........................................
I imagine our dear friend Trinkie
Would look good in the colour pinkie
A bonnie skirt
And matching shirt
With pink shoes as well, don't you thinkie?
If I was Her Majesty the Queen
I'd be the most stylish I've been
I'd wear designer clothes
From head to my toes
But alas, it's only a dream!
If Her Majesty the Queen is so glam
Is Prince Phillip indeed a lucky man?
When they wake in the morning
Is a tiara adorning
The locks of his Royal M'am? ;)
There was a wee lad of Slickly
who was always pallid and sickly
in the morn on his bannock
he buttered like manic
and applied the jam too thickly!
There was an old man of Watten
whose name I have forgotten
nothing he did
so i'll accept the bid
that this limerick is bloody rotten[lol]
While standing outside our front door
I happened to spy Jimmy More,
I asked where hes going
He said theres no knowing
Then he tripped and fell on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Id just got off the Wick train
When I spotted young Chimmagie Bain
Can ye gie me a lift
For my case I cant shift ?
He ignored me with lofty disdain !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I wear my LBD
Im a sight for all to see
With hair piled up high
And a glint in my eye
Setting oot wi yeoung Chonnie MacPhee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady got into her car
But she didnt get very far
Shed run out of fuel
The silly ould fooel
Kept petrol in a wee jar .
Lavenderblue2
29-Nov-07, 16:08
On the Org I have come so far
But till now was a bit below par
With the help of dear Bob
He finished the job
And I now have an Avatar!!
:)LB:D
Lavenderblue2
30-Nov-07, 09:36
On a stormy St Andrews night
I got such a terrible fright
When a man in a kilt
Who was dancing the lilt
Leapt so high an embarrassing sight!
At the dance with young Willie Paul
What a hooch, we were having a ball
We stopped for wur tea
And I sat on his knee
Then his advances I had to forestall.
Young Mary shed give us a song
She was heart and soul of the throng
Then after a dram
She said to her mam
I fancy some egg foo yong.
Happy St Andrews Day to you all.
LB
There once was a mannie called Rheghead
Who started an interesting org thread
The replies were all-knowing
Which fair got him going !
So he argued with each the old Big head !
He argued all day and all nicht
His subject he knew was all richt
Now the clever old Borger
Is a 5K Orger
So drinks are on him thatll be richt !!
There once was a mannie called Rheghead
Who started an interesting org thread
The replies were all-knowing
Which fair got him going !
So he argued with each the old Big head !
He argued all day and all nicht
His subject he knew was all richt
Now the clever old Borger
Is a 5K Orger
So drinks are on him thatll be richt !!
Trinkie, that sounds like a good idea
Aye, it certainly does to me-a
If Rheggers had 5K pounds
He'd be buyin' us endless rounds
We'd all drink, then rush to go pee-a! :lol:
The Antiques Roadshow came to Mey
With Caithness treasures on display
When the show went on the air
To some folk's deep despair
There was a lack of local accents - what dismay!
There was a wee buddie called Honey
Who thought that Rep Thing so funny
But gave it a try
With a groan and a sigh......
Now should I send Honey some money ??
Thanks
Trinkie
Today's the day called Blue Monday
Experts say you'll be sad - not a fun day!
So do you feel sad
Or really not bad
Or so full of joy, you could party?
So this is the day they call Blue Day
A day to forget a Rue Day
Well its not been that bad
In fact Im quite glad
Its the same old Havent a clue day !!
Well the day wasn't too bad for me
I was contented, but not full of glee
The weekend was worse
I felt I'd been cursed
But now I'm just happy to be! :)
There once was a lassie who chewed
On Gum, till she spewed and spewed
It got stuck in her throat
And she bowked lek a goat
It caused quite a family feud !
That gum caused a lot of trouble
When it grew into a big bubble
It went off with a bang
Oh how the bells rang
As she flew o'er the moon to Port Gubble.
Some think that it's fun to chew gum
It's like eating, without filling your tum
But some overdo
The way that they chew
Like chomping a big rubber bun! :eek:
Tubthumper
22-Jan-08, 23:23
Young Robbie he claimed to love plastic
And his poems were somewhat fantastic
On the Org he would post
But his meanings got loast
And despair on the Lit thread was drastic
Tubthumper
22-Jan-08, 23:25
A fine Caithness lassie McQueen
Was frequently staggering seen
In circles around
One leg shorter was found
Than the other, her name was Eileen
There once was a garden so still
With one solitary daffodil
With its trumpet it hooted
I could never uproot it
Cos it gives me such a thrill.
There was a mannie fae Ballantine
Forgot the day of St Valentine
His wife saw red
And shoved him out of bed
Saying "Dear, you'll not forget next time!"
;) [lol]
A man who was very romantic
Bought his girl a ring so fantastic
"What a beautiful gem
You're a prince among men!"
But it had to be paid for with plastic.
Cupid's arrow struck a man not in love
Now he's thinking of hearts and turtle doves
He's ready to propose
And he's holding a red rose
Cupid's smirking down at him from above! :)
Cedric Farthsbottom III
06-Feb-08, 23:26
There was a guy fae Spain
Who's jobby went doon a drain
His bowels imploded
The loo pipes exploded
And now we have acid rain
To the guy who came from Spain
I'd dearly like to complain
Be careful what you eat
Before you take a seat
And go to the loo again!
The Guy who came from Spain
soon discovered he had a pain
His true love was far away
he couldnt travel by rail or train
to get to her he had to say
please can I borrow your old
Steel Pail !!!
One leap year a woman proposed
To her man as he quietly dozed
"Yes dear" he said
Half asleep in his bed
But he wished he'd said "No" when he rose! :eek:
He Rose up and said !!
what is this within my head
what was her question I did answer
feed the cows or tend the sheep ?
I did not know in one fair Leap
what this year meant to Man or Boy
now reap the cost of what I have sowed !! ;)
A limerick has five lines
With each other, one, two and five rhyme
Three and four are short
And just for good sport
Together they rhyme every time.
Is March madness a thing that exists?
If it does can it ever be fixed?
Does it come with the wind?
And can it be binned?
It's a matter that has me perplixed!
A limerick has five lines
With each other, one, two and five rhyme
Three and four are short
And just for good sport
Together they rhyme every time.
Ooh have we got the Limerick polis here now Sporran? [lol]
Yes, and you should see how good I look in my uniform, golach! :lol:
Actually, I was trying to be helpful by explaining some of the main rules of limerick writing. Just want to keep our budding poets on track! :)
There wis a mannie in Auld Reekie
He wis born in Thurso, no Weekie
Golach wis his name
O' nearby Scrabster fame
Hope he comes back here til tak' a peekie! ;)
There was an ould wifie fas muse
Sank to the depths o her shoes
So hard did she try
With a tear in her eye
But her muse did refuse to carouse.
Oh fit can I do to amuse ?
Said the wifie wi things in her shoes
So off to the shop
With a limp and a hop
Not meaning tothers to confuse.
Can I help ? Said the maid in the shop
As she saw how the wifie did hop,
Theres a muse in my shoes
I wish to abuse
Then she fell to the floor with a flop !
The maid in the shop got a scare
An ran to get a nice chair
But the wifie refused
The maid unamused
Said Get stuffed see if I care!
by Trinkie (sadly )
There wis a mannie in Auld Reekie
He wis born in Thurso, no Weekie
Golach wis his name
O' nearby Scrabster fame
Hope he comes back here til tak' a peekie! ;)
Sporran
I hed a wee look, just a wee peek,
and then scarpered queek :eek:
not as good as the others, but heres my go....
er is a wee site in e net
wher a few crazy fowlk i hev met
But if am feelin a bit lo
an missind good ol Thurso
they rally roond till make sure i dont fret..
There wis a mannie in Auld Reekie
He wis born in Thurso, no Weekie
Golach wis his name
O' nearby Scrabster fame
Hope he comes back here til tak' a peekie!
Sporran
I hed a wee look, just a wee peek,
and then scarpered queek :eek:
Och come back here, golach, mate! I think I see a bit o' the poet in ye! :D
Well done, Trinkie! That's a super 4 verse limerick you wrote, and it really a-mused me! :D
Honey, nice to see you joining in too. :)
Och come back here, golach, mate! I think I see a bit o' the poet in ye! :D
Spooran, nae chance is Golach's cry
your invitation I must give a bye
because of all the talent that posts here I am shy
I am no poet Sporran, and weel I know it.[lol]
There was a young laddie who thought
His words were less than they ought.
But its not in the Bad
And its not in the Good
But the Trying that we all should.
Keep at it !
Golach, we're glad to hear from you,
What dear Trinkie says is true.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained,
And as she has explained,
Every effort's worth a view! :)
A generous lad Oh so bountiful
Shared his knowledge and jokes Oh so wonderful
Is he one of a kind? Hey do you mind ?
In Caithness of such weve a County-full !!
A lassie whose voice did delight
A concert hall night after night
From Brahms to Liszt
A quaint little twist
Was construed with all of her might.
She sang while doing her shoppin
Whether Bach or Mr Chopin
Ye cant hold a candle
To her singing of Handel
An encore is what we are hopin.
In church its hymns and psalms
The trill notes she crams and crams
Her voice is vibrating
Such an undertaking
Then the Meenister hands roon e drams .
She sings while scrubbing the floor
Doesnt hear the knock at the door
Its a strange little man
With a big black van
Now need I say any more ??
Trinkie's lim'ricks are such a treat
Her four verses just can't be beat
The wifie's right clever
With ev'ry endeavour
She does a great job - they're so neat! :)
2little2late
16-Mar-08, 23:00
There was a young cruiser from Wick
He really was very thick.
He went for a cruise
With a neck full of booze
and ended up in the nick.
To Cedric who made me blush,
If I tell you will you keep it hush hush ?
My folks think Im mad
A wee bittie sad,
I get carried away in the rush.
There is something Id like to endorse
My scribblings could be much,much worse
When I pick up a pen
I never know when
To stop, or consider remorse !
I think I must blame my dad
He too - and this makes me glad-
Had an ode or a sonnet
Beneath is tweed bonnet
And drove all around him quite mad !
But now I am too old to change
Instead I will widen my range
Ive purchased a Note Pad
For my next anec-dote fad
And fill it with verses so strange !
It's St Paddy's Day today
March 17th, Monday
Are ye to be seen
Wearin' the green
Or do ye say "No way!"...?
No Paddys day fun for me..
Im not an irishman you see
Ill have to say no way
Cos its no St Andrews day
So today im totally green free
Said this wife Its time I took steps
To thank you for all the Good Reps
When I peep in that boxie
I feel rather foxie
At the sly multilingual concepts !
Lavenderblue2
18-Mar-08, 10:27
My friend, she was feeling quite ill.
so I told her she should take a pill.
she went to her bed,
her hubby, he said -
she then ordered a whopping half gill.
Lavenderblue2
18-Mar-08, 10:57
This arguing show on the telly -
it gives me a pain in the belly!
Within public glare,
'dirty washing' they air;
Would I do it? Not on your nellie!!
LB :lol:
2little2late
18-Mar-08, 17:08
There were two young boys they were Wickers
They both had a fetish for knickers,
They'd pinch them from lines,
and say "These are mines"
And sell them to buy three or four Snickers.
There once was an egg, so Im told
Down a steep hill it was rolled
When it got to the bottom
It broke up and splot em
And the yolk was of purest fine gold !
.
A wifie, it says in a sonnet,
Was clad in her nicest spring bonnet,
With her egg all a-painted
The men nearly fainted
When they saw what shed drawn upon it !
Some bairnies went off to the hill
Rolling eggs, to them such a thrill
Each one as it rolled
Through the long grass and wold,
Ended up in the pond by the Mill.
.
The old man was looking so cockie
For his egg was made of dark chockie
But just as I feared
It smothered his beard
And the dog licked it off - Good old Jockie !
Then Grannie got up for her turn
Rolled her egg richt into the burn
So we gave her another
Cos shes somebodies mother,
And she promised not ever to Girn !
Well my egg rolled on for a mile
And I chased it for quite a while
I bent down to retrieve it
And couldnt believe it
As it continued right over the style !
So over the style I did go
Heights are not for me, as you know
But once safely down
I started to frown
As the egg stopped right there by my toe.
Slowly I bent myself over
The egg, my gloved hand did hover
I picked it up gently
Went back to the Bentley
Head spinning as tho I were in clover.
..
What a day weve all had Egg Rolling
Much more fun than Ten Pin Bowling.
Youre never too old
Whether shy or bold
Just carry on till the bells they are Tolling !
No Easter choccie for me
I'm on a diet you see
A boiled egg instead
A slice of crispbread
And a cup of healthy green tea.
I'm feeling a bit like a rabbit
With this daily raw vegetable habit
I eat salads galore
Which I do adore
If I see you with one, I might grab it! :cool:
Poor Sporran I hear ‘s on a diet,
I’m ploomp myself, cant deny it.
No more elasticity
I’ve succombed to obesity
And enjoy a fresh egg if I fry it !
today i gave out a "yipee"
cos soon ill have a real pattie
ill be home in twa week
and the 1st thing ill seek
is a supper from robins chippy!!
Oh honey, you're a bit of a tease
No more talk of chippy suppers, please! ;)
If one passes my lips
It goes straight to my hips
And stays there forever with ease! :~(
so sorry sporran, but its one thing i miss
mince n tatties in batter just tastes bliss
i tried to make them mysel
but they didnt turn oot well
so its back to the chippy for this..
I remember the Thurso chippies well
From many years ago, the truth to tell
Steven's on Durness Street
And Brass's both a treat
Such tasty battered suppers they did sell! :cool:
And what about the bakeries too
Johnstone's and Budge's are just two
i really miss a shell pie
cos down here they are to dry
Mmmm, johstones make the best - tis true
(im glad im coming home on the 7th, im getting hungry!!! )
Sutherland's was next to the GPO
Another fave bakery, where folk would go
Fairy cakes of dainty size
Butt'ries and round meat pies
A whiff of those, and it was hard to say no!
Then there was Cardosi's and Craig's icecream
Both a creamy white delicious dream
Its good taste made you glad
If you were a lass or a lad
'Twas the best icecream I think I've ever had!
Imagine fake White Cliffs of Dunnet
With a coat of paint upon it
An unusual sight
But would it be right?
I'm glad to hear they've not done it!
A wifie who found herself hired
Did the job but was never admired
Then the bairns started grumbling
And was heard to be mumbling
Grannie, were sorry youre fired!
Are you serious? was grannies reply
With a wicked glint in her eye,
Now dont be so cocky
Wee Chamie an Chocky
Then she baked them an apple pie !
Oh grannie, now wasn't that neat?
You baked them an apple pie sweet
I'll bet they were pleased
And both so appeased
After eating that delicious treat! :)
A poor ould mannie fae Ousdale,
Always the last, like the cows tail.
But after a curry
He just had to hurry
But never quite made it to Ousdale !
..
A man who had climbed ower the Ord
Just stood there and said "Oh my word
Chist look at e view
Oer there by that coo "
Then knelt down and said Thank the Lord !
.
Ould Chimmie fa bides up in Huna
On his fiddle could play a fine tun-a
But a string it did break
For Goodness sake !
Now he roams all the nicht neath the moon-a
.
A lassie was sobbing in Rattar
When asked " Oh my dear, whats the matter ?"
She heaved a big sigh
An the tear in her eye
Rolled doon on her frock with a clatter.
Young Annie fa lives up in Corsback
Was ever so good on e horseback,
She would gallop for miles
And jump over styles,
But fell on her rear mid a gorse-pack.
A poor ould soul up in Brough
Felt he hed just eneouch
O his wifes bad cooking
An she wisna good-looking !
So he went off and swam in e Loch.
A Lady who lives in Bower
In a lofty ivory tower,
Had her nose in the air
And her bum on a chair
Her minions she called "Such a shower ! "
.
Wullie went off to Buldoo
In search of his long lost coo,
And there by the dyke
Stuck on a spike
Was Daisy, trying to Moo !
..
There once was a man called the Hulk
With strong muscles of very great bulk
His skin was green
And he looked mean
Quick to anger, and no time to sulk!
Ah lek a Scots actor named Ewan
He's in several movies fur viewan'
He wis born in sma' toon o' Crieff
Choost look at him noo, guid grief!
Til see him perform folks are queuan'!
I wish I had read this earlier. It answers one of the question's in tonight's Caithness.org quiz: In which town was Ewan McGregor born? I said Perth lol
I'm afraid I have lost my muse
Can't write anything to amuse
I hope it comes back
My writing does lack
It needs inspirational cues!
Despicable events at Amstetten
Unbelievable and upsettin'
Shocking, but they were true
It has rocked the world's view
Will Fritzl get what he is due???
A lassie who wance lived in Watten
Wad dress in the finest of cotton
From the crack of dawn
She was clad in soft Lawn
But at night it was all forgotten.
..
I met a young lad down in Larel
But always it ended in quarrel.
Oh the things that he said
Boot my dress made in red
It seems he preferred me in floral.
I wandered one day, round by Forss,
Twas windy up there, but of course,
I wore a big coat
Gravat at my throat,
An still Im a wee bittie hoarse.
I will never find myself bored
Cos my thoughts from Over the Ord
Take me down Memry Lane
With Bella and Chane
In wur little ould car called E Ford !
..
For those who are weary of heart,
Just sit back and smile for a start,
Then think of a song
It wont take too long
For your cares and your woes to depart.
.
There's a man we know as dellwak
Loves to cook, and he's got the knack!
He shares his recipes
For food that's sure to please
Let's hope he'll post more when he's back! :cool:
The missus a mate and me
Went to find something for tea
Take some tatties and peas
some mince and some fleas
And fry em together, serves three
The missus a mate and me
Went to find something for tea
Take some tatties and peas
some mince and some fleas
And fry em together, serves three
If you serve me mince, tatties and peas
I beg you to not include fleas
On bugs I don't dine
But peas are just fine
And maybe some diced carrots, please.
A subject sae dear tae ma hert is
A dish o best mince and some tatties
Green peas and an engin,
My taste buds are singing,
The Asians can keep their chappatties !
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