Tubthumper
27-May-07, 19:45
A couple of years ago some tabloid newspapers picked up on an innocuous item in a contracts bulletin ,regarding the security implications of fleshy sunshine holiday behaviour for staff involved in work on nuclear sites…
I've been saving up my bonus pay
To take a Tenerife holiday
But now confess I'm not so keen
It seems pure smut has never been
Agenda top, and ladies fair
Who felt my leg and rubbed my hair
Had motives which were less than pure
It was not personality, sure
That caught their eye and made them wink
Good looks attracted not, methinks
I could, apparently, be at risk
If a lady through my drawers did frisk
It now appears it's an infraction
If I go for a bit of spare-time action
The person on receiving end
Could be a foe and not a friend
And pillow talk of radiation
After relief of any frustration
Could lead straight to a pure disaster
And trouble coming even faster
When I now plan my holidays
I look very closely at all the ways
That I can keep attraction down
A big fat gut, a cross-eyed frown
With bandy legs and balding hair
Ensure the spies just wouldn't dare
To tie me into bedroom sport
And back to spy command report
I must admit, to my despond
I don't look nothing like James Bond
And chance indeed would be fine thing
If I was the victim of a holiday sting
Part 2
The nuclear industry should think
To save embarrassment, avoid a stink
Of ways to deter fleshy ploys
Amongst our working girls and boys
When going on their holidays
There's lots and lots of clever ways
To keep our hands off foreign vandals
Avoiding Mata Hari scandals
The first is not too big an ask
Pick ugly people for your task
Get rid of bonny workers quick
And get in folk who are visually sick
If we can't lose the ones who're pretty
And send them to work in the finance city
Then give them ugliness injections
Or maybe some Botox infections
If on their hols our people go
On security their uptake slow
Let's issue them some PPE
To cover bits of their body
Unflattering pants and shirts uncool
That would be an easy, simple tool
Make beards essential on the men
Put sumo suits on the girls and then
The baddies would feel ill each time
They tried to pull off honey-trap crime
Or maybe Speedos we should offer
And bikinis, from nuclear finance coffers
With logo on the front and rear
And inbuilt sex-deflector gear
Alarms are triggered, as are locks
Removal leads to electric shocks
A device designed on body to strap
In the shape and style of a large bear-trap
Or great big warning signs 'Keep Clear-
Especially When Full Of Beer'
But when you think about it straight
On holiday, we'd have to wait
Our secrets we hold onto, proud
We don't broadcast our workplace loud
In Tenerife or Ibiza
We hang about in dodgy bars
I doubt we'd be in line for smut
And not because we're ugly, but...
As horny as we might be feeling
We're Scottish, sunburnt, pished and peeling
Part 3
A final word on paper articles
(A change from hearing about beach-found particles)
Because of high security fear
From casual bonk we must stay clear
I take offence! From my perspective
In language clear and uninflective
I say out loud, for broadcast free
There's nothing casual about sex with me!
I've been saving up my bonus pay
To take a Tenerife holiday
But now confess I'm not so keen
It seems pure smut has never been
Agenda top, and ladies fair
Who felt my leg and rubbed my hair
Had motives which were less than pure
It was not personality, sure
That caught their eye and made them wink
Good looks attracted not, methinks
I could, apparently, be at risk
If a lady through my drawers did frisk
It now appears it's an infraction
If I go for a bit of spare-time action
The person on receiving end
Could be a foe and not a friend
And pillow talk of radiation
After relief of any frustration
Could lead straight to a pure disaster
And trouble coming even faster
When I now plan my holidays
I look very closely at all the ways
That I can keep attraction down
A big fat gut, a cross-eyed frown
With bandy legs and balding hair
Ensure the spies just wouldn't dare
To tie me into bedroom sport
And back to spy command report
I must admit, to my despond
I don't look nothing like James Bond
And chance indeed would be fine thing
If I was the victim of a holiday sting
Part 2
The nuclear industry should think
To save embarrassment, avoid a stink
Of ways to deter fleshy ploys
Amongst our working girls and boys
When going on their holidays
There's lots and lots of clever ways
To keep our hands off foreign vandals
Avoiding Mata Hari scandals
The first is not too big an ask
Pick ugly people for your task
Get rid of bonny workers quick
And get in folk who are visually sick
If we can't lose the ones who're pretty
And send them to work in the finance city
Then give them ugliness injections
Or maybe some Botox infections
If on their hols our people go
On security their uptake slow
Let's issue them some PPE
To cover bits of their body
Unflattering pants and shirts uncool
That would be an easy, simple tool
Make beards essential on the men
Put sumo suits on the girls and then
The baddies would feel ill each time
They tried to pull off honey-trap crime
Or maybe Speedos we should offer
And bikinis, from nuclear finance coffers
With logo on the front and rear
And inbuilt sex-deflector gear
Alarms are triggered, as are locks
Removal leads to electric shocks
A device designed on body to strap
In the shape and style of a large bear-trap
Or great big warning signs 'Keep Clear-
Especially When Full Of Beer'
But when you think about it straight
On holiday, we'd have to wait
Our secrets we hold onto, proud
We don't broadcast our workplace loud
In Tenerife or Ibiza
We hang about in dodgy bars
I doubt we'd be in line for smut
And not because we're ugly, but...
As horny as we might be feeling
We're Scottish, sunburnt, pished and peeling
Part 3
A final word on paper articles
(A change from hearing about beach-found particles)
Because of high security fear
From casual bonk we must stay clear
I take offence! From my perspective
In language clear and uninflective
I say out loud, for broadcast free
There's nothing casual about sex with me!