Tubthumper
20-May-07, 12:08
Burns Travels Time
This tale of science fiction maybe isn’t quite like Burns
It’s queer the way the story starts, and queerer how it turns
This one will give you shock, you know it will offer surprise
It seems that Rabbie travelled time, in the Starship Enterprise
The captain of the spaceship was a total utter bam
His name was William Shanter, great grandson times 8 of Tam
He travelled back to grip our Rab and show him sights to stun
(He really wanted notes on girls, how to get more than one)
So Wullie Shanter shouted out “Now Scotty, Energise!”
But something stalled, and Rab took off alone to his surprise
He landed up in Scotland in the year 2006
Surrounded by the female form, he soon tried his old tricks
But Rabbie found to his dismay that things had changed a lot
And while the girls were just as pretty, one thing they were not
Was easy as he knew before, it seemed poetic patter
No longer caused a swoon, in fact it didn’t seem to matter
The girls all went to pubs and sought to drink themselves insensible
The volume they consumed would floor a bold Crochallan Fencible
He looked on in amazement at their artistic tattoos
And wondered at the strings that wound round hips above their trews
Now Rab thought all the piercings on the girls were pretty silly
He knew the concept well enough, (just think of Holy Willie)
But with bolts and nuts a’ dangling from each flesh protuberance
They rattled like a bag of nails at every disco dance
Though Rab knew dames who worked on farms, and some who were in service
Encountering these modern lassies made the poor man nervous
Whereas before they’d swoon and leap on him in desperation
The modern girls would scream and kick, then claim discrimination
Some girls were project managers and some were electricians
And some were nurses, doctors, vets, some even were morticians
Those ladies with careers who drove around in speedy cars
Then searched for men who could not speak in pubs and clubs and bars
Rab tried to give his best with all the girlies in adversity
To no avail, he found that they’d all been to university
And lines like ‘like a red red rose’ and also ‘Tae a Mouse’
Did not succeed, the girls preferred CD’s like Empty House
And in the daytime they would read their magazines a plenty
Like Elle and Cosmo, Just Nineteen, and probably Just Twenty
And they’d obsess ‘bout diets and their tans and saggy bits
While debating the pro’s and cons of having implants in their t*ts
He came across a pair when he got trapped by them in lift
They pinned him in a corner, they were stiff and wouldnae shift
The lassie was attached to them just didnae realise
She was too busy studying the cellulite on her thighs
Rab wisnae used to failure, sure determined to succeed
He moved around the population with increasing speed
His charm and wit and fine panache just would not move the lassies
They were concerned with swallowing the shots from tiny glasses
At one point he had found a squad of lassies who were keen
They thought he was related to a famous pop-star queen
‘I’m Rabbie!’ said our hero as his lips they all checked out
They thought that he was Pete Burns’ brother, with a monstrous pout
Eventually he found a lass, sae sweet and douce and fair
In mini skirt with stockings and with bottle-blonde dyed hair
Rab’s girl was keen but before she’d agree to love cement
She first demanded that he sign a pre-nuptial agreement
Rab gave up fighting, signed the form and gripped the lass just dandy
But what a shock he got when he attempted Houghmagandie
The lady threw him o’er her shoulder, pinned him to the floor
A black belt judo ninja, with high heels she barred the door
The neighbours heard his howls and screams and grimaced at the noise
They were quite used to racket from the party girls with boys
They smiled and thought ‘they’re having fun, the modern way is rough
But like us all they will get bored, lose interest soon enough
Three days later Rab was found, a shaking tattered wreck
His clothes were torn his body bruised, and love bites on his neck
His eyes were black and sunken and he’d lost a stone in weight
At only thirty seven he was beating on the pearly gate
When Shanter placed him back amongst his ain folk later on
He swore he’d never touch a dame again, not even one
‘Jean Armour?’ he would say in shock, ‘I do not wish her near
What I require for protection is Body Armour here
The trip in time to lassies modern finished off poor lad
‘Twas nought to do with consumption that turned his health so bad
He ended a statistic like sae many men today
Just feared for all the lassies, and pretending to be gay
The moral of the story is that lassies in the present
Are fine and clever, lovely, smart and witty, and quite pleasant
But never take a burd for granted, case on you she turns
You’ll end up like poor Rabbie, suffer third degree carpet Burns
This tale of science fiction maybe isn’t quite like Burns
It’s queer the way the story starts, and queerer how it turns
This one will give you shock, you know it will offer surprise
It seems that Rabbie travelled time, in the Starship Enterprise
The captain of the spaceship was a total utter bam
His name was William Shanter, great grandson times 8 of Tam
He travelled back to grip our Rab and show him sights to stun
(He really wanted notes on girls, how to get more than one)
So Wullie Shanter shouted out “Now Scotty, Energise!”
But something stalled, and Rab took off alone to his surprise
He landed up in Scotland in the year 2006
Surrounded by the female form, he soon tried his old tricks
But Rabbie found to his dismay that things had changed a lot
And while the girls were just as pretty, one thing they were not
Was easy as he knew before, it seemed poetic patter
No longer caused a swoon, in fact it didn’t seem to matter
The girls all went to pubs and sought to drink themselves insensible
The volume they consumed would floor a bold Crochallan Fencible
He looked on in amazement at their artistic tattoos
And wondered at the strings that wound round hips above their trews
Now Rab thought all the piercings on the girls were pretty silly
He knew the concept well enough, (just think of Holy Willie)
But with bolts and nuts a’ dangling from each flesh protuberance
They rattled like a bag of nails at every disco dance
Though Rab knew dames who worked on farms, and some who were in service
Encountering these modern lassies made the poor man nervous
Whereas before they’d swoon and leap on him in desperation
The modern girls would scream and kick, then claim discrimination
Some girls were project managers and some were electricians
And some were nurses, doctors, vets, some even were morticians
Those ladies with careers who drove around in speedy cars
Then searched for men who could not speak in pubs and clubs and bars
Rab tried to give his best with all the girlies in adversity
To no avail, he found that they’d all been to university
And lines like ‘like a red red rose’ and also ‘Tae a Mouse’
Did not succeed, the girls preferred CD’s like Empty House
And in the daytime they would read their magazines a plenty
Like Elle and Cosmo, Just Nineteen, and probably Just Twenty
And they’d obsess ‘bout diets and their tans and saggy bits
While debating the pro’s and cons of having implants in their t*ts
He came across a pair when he got trapped by them in lift
They pinned him in a corner, they were stiff and wouldnae shift
The lassie was attached to them just didnae realise
She was too busy studying the cellulite on her thighs
Rab wisnae used to failure, sure determined to succeed
He moved around the population with increasing speed
His charm and wit and fine panache just would not move the lassies
They were concerned with swallowing the shots from tiny glasses
At one point he had found a squad of lassies who were keen
They thought he was related to a famous pop-star queen
‘I’m Rabbie!’ said our hero as his lips they all checked out
They thought that he was Pete Burns’ brother, with a monstrous pout
Eventually he found a lass, sae sweet and douce and fair
In mini skirt with stockings and with bottle-blonde dyed hair
Rab’s girl was keen but before she’d agree to love cement
She first demanded that he sign a pre-nuptial agreement
Rab gave up fighting, signed the form and gripped the lass just dandy
But what a shock he got when he attempted Houghmagandie
The lady threw him o’er her shoulder, pinned him to the floor
A black belt judo ninja, with high heels she barred the door
The neighbours heard his howls and screams and grimaced at the noise
They were quite used to racket from the party girls with boys
They smiled and thought ‘they’re having fun, the modern way is rough
But like us all they will get bored, lose interest soon enough
Three days later Rab was found, a shaking tattered wreck
His clothes were torn his body bruised, and love bites on his neck
His eyes were black and sunken and he’d lost a stone in weight
At only thirty seven he was beating on the pearly gate
When Shanter placed him back amongst his ain folk later on
He swore he’d never touch a dame again, not even one
‘Jean Armour?’ he would say in shock, ‘I do not wish her near
What I require for protection is Body Armour here
The trip in time to lassies modern finished off poor lad
‘Twas nought to do with consumption that turned his health so bad
He ended a statistic like sae many men today
Just feared for all the lassies, and pretending to be gay
The moral of the story is that lassies in the present
Are fine and clever, lovely, smart and witty, and quite pleasant
But never take a burd for granted, case on you she turns
You’ll end up like poor Rabbie, suffer third degree carpet Burns