View Full Version : Couple of gags for ye.....

06-Dec-06, 10:53
A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

Here's a good one
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.

The female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

06-Dec-06, 10:59
David Beckham and Posh get invited round to Ronaldos for supper, and they are sat talking around the table when Posh spots a nice picture on the wall.

"thats a nice picture" she says.

"Yes it is nice" said Ronaldo "its an original Constable"

"Constable" pipes up Beckham " I met him once when I was a trainee at United. I got on the 34 bus outside Old Trafford and he was on it and we talked about his paintings"

Posh spice goes red with fury and boots him under the table before saying "come on its time to go".

In the car Beckham says

"what the hells wrong with you... Why did you kick me like that"

"Because you made us look very stupid David. I cant believe you came out with such a pack of blatant lies."

"how do you know I was lying" says Beckham..


06-Dec-06, 11:29
> Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great
> composers.
> To give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the the
> great action heroes of today in the leading roles. He calls Sylvester
> Stallone, Arnie Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal into his
> office to hear who they would like to play:
> "Well," began Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
> play him."
> "Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if
> people saw me playing the piano" says Willis. "I'll play him."
> "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," says Seagal. "I'd
> like to play him."
> "Splendid", says Spielberg, very pleased with these choices.
> Then,turning to Schwarzenegger, he asks, "Who do you want to be,
> Arnold?"
> So Arnold says ....
> Wait for it, it's a beauty..........
> "I'll be Bach!"

06-Dec-06, 11:33
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's
not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule
the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there
emerged from
the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear
and the
top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since ye had a good cigar."
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over
unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and
out a fresh package of cigars.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"
said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke
can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish
Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a
pocket there and removes a flask
and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis
nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there, too!"

06-Dec-06, 11:43
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...

wait for it ...........