View Full Version : Being Scottish

06-Nov-06, 11:11
Being Scottish is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or, a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most Scottish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!Only in Scotland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Scotland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front
.Only in Sotland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Scotland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Scotland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Scotland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Scotland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..3 Scots die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Scots were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Scots are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Scots have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Scots have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.Scottish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Scots had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Scots were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.and finally...In 2000 eight Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

If you're proud to be a Scot, pass this on!

SCOTLAND - Love it, or Leave it!

Billy Boy
06-Nov-06, 11:36
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

06-Nov-06, 11:44
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toliet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please.":lol:

06-Nov-06, 11:56
Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'

'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'

The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your damn cat.' :lol:

Billy Boy
06-Nov-06, 12:10
A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted. My friend then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"