View Full Version : Pet Rules

02-Nov-06, 10:24
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

02-Nov-06, 10:51
Oh dear, I can't stop laughing at this one! You've made my morning a whole lot brighter!

Billy Boy
02-Nov-06, 12:12
How dogs and men are the same

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both mark their territory.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

02-Nov-06, 12:21
Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.
2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times.
(This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")
5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

The Dog

Billy Boy
02-Nov-06, 12:28
Top ten reasons why a dog is better than a woman

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.


02-Nov-06, 12:37
Dogs come when you call them.
Cats take a message and get back to you.

Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon.
Cats will take a three-hour nap. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you.
Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work.
Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command.
Cats will smirk and walk away.
Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk.
Cats will yawn and close their eyes. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever.
Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Billy Boy
02-Nov-06, 20:49
Descriptions for Cats

Cat: A lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
Cat: A four footed allergen.
Cat: Small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
Cat: A small, furry lap fungus.
Cat: A treat-seeking missile.
Cat: A wildlife control expert impersonator.
Cat: One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
Cat: A hair relocation expert.
Cat: An unprogrammable animal.
Aquarium: Interactive television for cats.
Cataclysm: Any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: A feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: To look for a new cat.
Dog: A cat's device for running practice.
Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.