View Full Version : bad jokes

Billy Boy
01-Nov-06, 16:22
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard. (It's good for a hot dog.)
What's the friendliest school?
Hi school.
Why were the suspenders arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants
How do you know policemen are strong?
Because they can hold up traffic.

What do massage therapists eat for dinner?

Billy Boy
01-Nov-06, 16:26
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies. [lol]

Billy Boy
01-Nov-06, 17:14
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Billy Boy
01-Nov-06, 18:00
Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

02-Nov-06, 09:02
Whats red & invisible?
No Tomatoes[disgust]

02-Nov-06, 11:52
What get's wet as it dry's?

A Towel:roll:

02-Nov-06, 12:08
Why were the suspenders arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.

What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
Wait at the buzz stop.

Billy Boy
02-Nov-06, 12:38
Why did the girl spray her clock?
It was full of ticks.
Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
He wanted to feed the mouse.

Billy Boy
02-Nov-06, 14:08
Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak,they were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Billy Boy
02-Nov-06, 16:41
A group of chess enthusiasts are at a tournament, and are gathered in the hotel reception area telling each other about their best games, when the hotel manager comes and throws them all out.
Why? "I don't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

02-Nov-06, 17:48
A certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 years old girls were beginning to wear lipstick and would put it on in the toilets.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put the back. Finally the head mistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the toilets and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there has been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators!

Billy Boy
09-Nov-06, 21:35
Bathtime fun
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle

Billy Boy
13-Nov-06, 21:54
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th
row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that
way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth
as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all
in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little mouth piece on
your knee."

Billy Boy
13-Nov-06, 21:58
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of your best" he says to the bar man.

Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"

"Yes" the old man replies.

"Do you want a pint?"

"No, ta. I've got one `ere."

Billy Boy
13-Nov-06, 22:14
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle

Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself[lol]

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."

Cedric Farthsbottom III
13-Nov-06, 22:48
A ballet dancer goes into the dressing room for her first big nights performance.The dresser hands her the costume.

The dancer bursts into tears

The dresser asks her whats wrong

The dancers says "Ye've only gave me one costume"

"Aye",says the dresser,"One costume per dancer"

The dancer says "Are we no suppossed to get tu-tu"

Billy Boy
14-Nov-06, 21:25
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?


What do you call a woman that can wash up, cook and vacuum the stairs at the same time?

A swiss army wife

15-Nov-06, 14:38
"Hey, Pop," pleaded Angelo, "can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?"
"What's the matter with you?" asked his father.
"Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?"

Billy Boy
15-Nov-06, 18:48
Q.What do you call a man with a spade?


Q.What do you call the same man with no spade?


Q.Whats the differance between a women and a battery?

A. A battery had a positive side.

Billy Boy
15-Nov-06, 22:23
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says ďIíll serve you, but donít start anything.Ē

16-Nov-06, 13:15
As I was trying to pack for our holiday, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my booger? :eek:

Billy Boy
16-Nov-06, 14:48
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

16-Nov-06, 14:57
One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young
man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"

"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"

Billy Boy
17-Nov-06, 21:20
What do you have if a clairvoyant midget escapes from prison?

A small, medium at large.

Billy Boy
23-Nov-06, 20:44
What do you do if a bird dumps on your car?

Don't ask her out again.:eek:

Billy Boy
29-Nov-06, 16:46
Who's There?
Ben who?
Ben knocking on the door all afternoon!

Billy Boy
08-Jan-07, 22:36
Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my bum look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."[lol]

Billy Boy
13-Jan-07, 17:31
What is invisable and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts. :eek: