Pre-weekend joke

[_Ju_]

I mean no offence to anyone!

A scotsman, an Australian and a Liverpudlian are in a bar when in walks a man in a long frock and with a beard.

The Australian says "I think that's Jesus"
"Could be" says the scotsman, "Let's ask him"

So the three go over and the Liverpudlian says, "Are you Jesus?"

"Yes" replies the man.

"Blimey," says the Australian "And no ones bought you a drink, how unsociable of us." So they go to the bar. The Australian buys him a lager, the Scotsman buys him a scotch and the Liverpudlian buys him a pint of ale.

Jesus drinks the drinks and then turns to the Australian and shakes his hand "Thank you my son," he says.
"Cor!" says the Australian, "Me arthritis is cured, thats a miracle, twenty years that has hurt me!

Jesus then turns to the Scotsman and takes him by the hand, "Thank you my son," he says.

"Auch!" says the Scotsman, "My sciatica is cured! Twenty-two years of back ache and it's gone - it's a miracle!"

Jesus then turns to the Liverpudlian and goes to take his hand, "On yer bike son," says the Liverpudlian, "I've been on Disability benefit for twenty-five years"

[_Ju_]

A biker was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one
wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think
of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard
for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take
a little more
time and think of something that would honor and
glorify Me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know
how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?

[peedie man]

good one ju ,how very true

[Billy Boy]

A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."


Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions


A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."

[Billy Boy]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any underwear?" her husband demanded."Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies."Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, has no undies.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the heck are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Murchiemannie]

A group of flies were playing football in a saucer, using a lump of sugar as a ball.
One of them said "we'll have to do better than this lads--we're playing in the cup tomorrow!"

[Murchiemannie]

A small boy found himself lost at a football match.
He approached a policweman explaining "Iv'e lost my Dad"
The policeman asked "what's he like"
The boy replied, "Beer and women"