View Full Version : The Joke Thread

12-Jul-06, 19:27
This came from Canada
(Weed never allow it up here ;-) )

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,
the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

12-Jul-06, 19:31
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

12-Jul-06, 19:33
Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head butted to death in a french apartment.

Apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor ...

Billy Boy
12-Jul-06, 20:36
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

Billy Boy
12-Jul-06, 20:38
A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager 50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cant play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his 50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his 50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? Im going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off

12-Jul-06, 21:05
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife
replied, "in-laws."

Billy Boy
12-Jul-06, 21:19
Understand My Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We 'll take all three of them". Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. I just wanted you to hold it for a while". The wife face goes blank, and she is about to explode.
When the husband sees that he says:
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!".

13-Jul-06, 13:52
There was this poor bloke lying in hospital with 60% burns.

Doctor says to the nurse "I prescribe him 2 Viagara pills"

Nurse asks the Doctor` Do you think that`ll help him Doctor?`

Doctor replies" No , but it will keep the sheets off his legs!!"

Billy Boy
13-Jul-06, 16:50
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass

Billy Boy
13-Jul-06, 16:55

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."[lol]

Billy Boy
13-Jul-06, 17:05
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely filled my pants,".

14-Jul-06, 19:26
Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a
man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large
shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and
pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along
with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said,
"I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England
team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England
are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other
She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows nowt about shark fishing. How's the
bait holding up ?"

14-Jul-06, 19:40
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

Keep scrolling down to unveil the

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're
not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks gain accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gonethrough doors of emerald,...........silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door. The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

keep scrolling down.............

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I know, I know you now just want to kick my heed in for wasting 2
minutes of your life, and I will let you if you find me, ......................... as long as you are a fellow monk:lol:

14-Jul-06, 20:55
Marriage Made In Heaven http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask. St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

Billy Boy
14-Jul-06, 22:12
I do declare there is some art
In making you, the perfect fart,
It ain't no easy matter, Mum,
To push this air from out my bum
In such a way that I may pass
Enchanting music out my ass.

Billy Boy
15-Jul-06, 18:00
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her

fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

Billy Boy
16-Jul-06, 19:51
This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?" "I don't like her."

Billy Boy
16-Jul-06, 20:54
Why Cats Are Better Than Men

A CAT always hits the litterbox.

Better chance of training a CAT.

No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.

If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.

A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.

You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.

You don't have to worry about your CAT turning into a pig when you host a party.

A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.

If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
17-Jul-06, 23:15
A Scotsman,an Irishman and an Englishman are on the Quiz show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

The Irishman reaches the 250,000 question,gets it wrong...he's oot!!!!!

The Englishman reaches the 500,000 question,gets it wrong....he's oot!!!!

The Scotsman reaches the 1,000,000 question."Where are the Andes?",he gets it wrong... he's oot!!!!

What wis his answer?:D

18-Jul-06, 00:04
at the end o' yur airms?

18-Jul-06, 10:56
A soldier is returning home from war and his wife is waving to him from the dockside. He shouts "F.F.", she shakes her head and calls back "E.F." He shouts back "F.F." This goes on back and forth for a few minutes - "F.F." "E.F," "F.F." and so on. Finally one of his mates asks "What is all this EF and FF business?" he replied "Oh, you know what women are, she wants to eat first!".

18-Jul-06, 12:31
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "Ugh! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "That driver has just insulted me!"

The man says: "I wouldn't put up with that. If I was you I'd go and tell him sod off.

Go on, I'll hold your monkey."

Billy Boy
18-Jul-06, 21:27
The Old Man's Physical


A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

Billy Boy
18-Jul-06, 22:18
Bowling Night
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi ! Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real hound this time."

19-Jul-06, 07:48
What's the difference between a wedding and a wake in Scotland?
There's one drunk less at a wake.

How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

Why do pipers march when they play?
A moving target is harder to hit.

Bagpipes - defined as the missing link between music and noise.

Found these in a Scottish Joke Book I bought years ago in Thurso

20-Jul-06, 21:04
[lol] little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is
reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we
go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with a watery eyes in
stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"

Cedric Farthsbottom III
20-Jul-06, 21:10
Why are poo's the richest commodity?

Cause they're always flush!!!!!

Billy Boy
21-Jul-06, 18:56
What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?

A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly. "At 4 o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."

Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...

A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."
"Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend.
The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

21-Jul-06, 20:13
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Billy Boy
21-Jul-06, 20:17
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. [lol]

The pharmacist fainted.

Billy Boy
21-Jul-06, 20:29
guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
" i Didn't feel a thing!"

Billy Boy
22-Jul-06, 23:14
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

Billy Boy
22-Jul-06, 23:17
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"