dunderheed
28-Jun-06, 10:24
letter to america
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
>From the Citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
>
>to the Citizens of the United States of America:
>
>In light of your failure to elect a competent President, and thus to
>govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
>independence, effective immediately.
>
>Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
>duties, over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
>Kansas, which she does not fancy).
>
>Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
>without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
>disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
>whether any of you noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
>rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>(Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
>amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.)
>
>2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
>skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
>suffix "ise".
>
>3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
>acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty seven
>words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
>an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
>4. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know
>on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
>account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
>
>5. You will re-learn your original national anthem, "God Save The
>Queen".
>
>6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
>7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
>therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
>
>8. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
>sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then
>you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no
>longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
>vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
>vegetable peeler in public.
>
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, so this is for
>your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
>mean.
>
>10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
>start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
>will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
>conversion tables.
>
>11. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the
>British sense of humour.
>
>12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>calling gasoline) - roughly $6/Imp. gallon. Get used to it.
>
>13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
>chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut, fried in
>animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
>14. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
>as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
>referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
>Gnat's Urine so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
>15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
>good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
>play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
>dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
>one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
>16. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
>proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
>time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
>football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
>or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of Nancies). Further,
>you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
>called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
>America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
>your borders, your error is understandable.
>
>17. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
>18. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
>monies due (back-dated to 1776).
>
>Thank you for your co-operation
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
>From the Citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
>
>to the Citizens of the United States of America:
>
>In light of your failure to elect a competent President, and thus to
>govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
>independence, effective immediately.
>
>Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
>duties, over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
>Kansas, which she does not fancy).
>
>Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
>without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
>disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
>whether any of you noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
>rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>(Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
>amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.)
>
>2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
>skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
>suffix "ise".
>
>3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
>acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty seven
>words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
>an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
>4. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know
>on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
>account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
>
>5. You will re-learn your original national anthem, "God Save The
>Queen".
>
>6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
>7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
>therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
>
>8. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
>sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then
>you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no
>longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
>vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
>vegetable peeler in public.
>
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, so this is for
>your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
>mean.
>
>10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
>start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
>will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
>conversion tables.
>
>11. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the
>British sense of humour.
>
>12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>calling gasoline) - roughly $6/Imp. gallon. Get used to it.
>
>13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
>chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut, fried in
>animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
>14. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
>as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
>referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
>Gnat's Urine so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
>15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
>good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
>play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
>dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
>one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
>16. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
>proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
>time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
>football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
>or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of Nancies). Further,
>you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
>called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
>America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
>your borders, your error is understandable.
>
>17. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
>18. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
>monies due (back-dated to 1776).
>
>Thank you for your co-operation