View Full Version : world cup joke thread
dunderheed
09-Jun-06, 20:11
brazil v england
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're crap and we can't e bothered. " Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)." They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" > "No, no, I have, I've let you down
...I got sent off after 12 minutes." :Razz
melted_wellie
09-Jun-06, 20:12
brazil v england
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're crap and we can't e bothered. " Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)." They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" > "No, no, I have, I've let you down
...I got sent off after 12 minutes." :Razzhahahahahahahahahaha
Brilliant - but I still don't like football :D
dunderheed
09-Jun-06, 20:21
Ireland v France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringin to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied,
"This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
Right, now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.
"Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the penispit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared ! his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy,
"I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness"
"And decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
Billy Boy
09-Jun-06, 20:30
http://www.thehumorarchives.com/attachment.do?attachmentId=587&ts=1149882916542&s=53DA2F722BC295E1C26F8125A04CBBF67325CBC0
Billy Boy
09-Jun-06, 20:35
Q: What’s the difference between Portugal and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays longer in the cup. :lol:
Carlo Gambino
10-Jun-06, 18:42
I take it that you dont want England to win Kojak?
Billy Boy
10-Jun-06, 19:13
Q) What's the connection between George Michael and Ronaldinho?
A) They can both lob seamen from 25 yards.[lol]
Billy Boy
10-Jun-06, 19:26
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Billy Boy
10-Jun-06, 19:30
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
David Beckham goes shopping and spots a Thermos flask. 'What's that for ?' he says. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says the salesman. Beckham buys one and takes it home to show Posh. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' he says. 'You ought to take it to work,' she tells him. So he takes it in to training the following day. 'What've you got there, son?' asks Sir Alex. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says David. 'That's a good idea,' says the manager. 'What have you got in it?' 'Coffee,' says David. 'And some ice cream.':roll:
Ireland v France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringin to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied,
"This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
Right, now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.
"Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the penispit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared ! his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy,
"I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness"
"And decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
THis is a beauty - do you mind if I pass it on
dunderheed
12-Jun-06, 09:17
help yourself mate.
What You Call A Scotsman In A World Cup The Referee
Billy Boy
12-Jun-06, 18:01
Q: How do you change a england fans mind?
A: Blow in his ear!
What do you get if you see a england fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.
Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'
And has reached the £1 million question.
Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, And Remember, you
still have two lifelines left, so please Take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?
"Is it. A, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"Sven ponders for
A while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm Not too sure.I'll have to go
50-50."
"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see What you're left
with.
'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris,I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going
to call, Sven?" says Chris.
"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've
got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could Win £1million.
The next voice you hear will be Sven's."
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type Of animal lives in
a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?""It's a badger, Boss." says Becks
without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger, Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger
"Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.
"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be Taking a gamble
giving you a call, but you played a Blinder! But how the heck did you know
that a badger lives in a set?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham... "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
The Offside Rule Explained for Women
The World Cup is fast approaching, and this could be very useful information for those of you who are unfortunate enough to have a partner who does not understand the great game's offside rule. So, rather than trying to persevere with the traditional method of explanation using the salt and pepper pots or chess pieces etc. Try this brief explanation instead and your worries of being disturbed during a cracking game to explain the rule for the umpteenth time will be over...
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you just must have. The female shopper in front of you has also seen them and is eyeing them with desire. However, both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma, and she prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, 'whilst it is in flight' you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes! BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has 'actually been thrown', it would be plain wrong to be in front of the other shopper!
NOW DO YOU GET IT!!
At this point instead of having visions of an arid desert with tumble weed rolling by, you'll see imaginary light bulbs illuminating above her head and hear a great cheer as every football mad husband celebrates your success.
Q: What’s the difference between Portugal and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays longer in the cup. :lol:
rhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmffffffffffff: [Ju goes to sulk in the corner]
By the way, have you heard of the new directive from MVD???:
DEPARTMENT FOR TRANSPORT INITIATIVE RELAUNCHED 2 MAY 2006
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in the UK, the Department for Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.
For this reason as from 2 May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:
-overtaking in dangerous places;
-hovering within one inch of the car in front;
-stopping sharply;
-speeding in residential areas;
-pulling out without indication;
-performing U turns inappropriately in busy streets;
-undertaking on motorways; and
-taking up more than one lane in multi-lane roads.
These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly.
These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.
Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.[lol]
Cedric Farthsbottom III
13-Jun-06, 21:34
All the players fae the World Cup were sittin' in the pub complaining about being starving.The German Organisers had supplied nothing but canned food but no can openers.
Ronaldo cannae take it anymore and lifts up a tin o' Baked Beans and says,"Hey Ronaldinho,bite into that for me!!!!!" :lol:
2little2late
13-Jun-06, 21:42
Ethiopia complained to FIFA that the world cup draw was fixed.
Ethiopia wanted Turkey and they got Hungary.
that's at someone you don't knows expense.. bravo!
rhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmffffffffffff: [Ju goes to sulk in the corner]
By the way, have you heard of the new directive from MVD???:
DEPARTMENT FOR TRANSPORT INITIATIVE RELAUNCHED 2 MAY 2006
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in the UK, the Department for Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.
For this reason as from 2 May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:
-overtaking in dangerous places;
-hovering within one inch of the car in front;
-stopping sharply;
-speeding in residential areas;
-pulling out without indication;
-performing U turns inappropriately in busy streets;
-undertaking on motorways; and
-taking up more than one lane in multi-lane roads.
These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly.
These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.
Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.[lol]
Aaw I was going to post that one, heard it today. [lol]
dunderheed
14-Jun-06, 09:58
English Scotland Supporter
English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English.
dunderheed
15-Jun-06, 20:12
A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr King '
A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr King '
its worse there getting...[lol]
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