The Pepsi Challenge
29-May-06, 17:13
Sigh! Bored...
36 RULES FOR BANDS
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the
dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more
"important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time
to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar
with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock
with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk.
Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin
Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best
contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever
and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of
them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're
already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white
rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mic", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but
not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will: it's rock 'n'
roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join
a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric
guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what
girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album
cover and one you made with the iMac your mum got for Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year
olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know
where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues
genius", "£500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and
c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle. Well, maybe the latter...
36 RULES FOR BANDS
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the
dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more
"important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time
to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar
with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock
with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk.
Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin
Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best
contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever
and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of
them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're
already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white
rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mic", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but
not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will: it's rock 'n'
roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join
a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric
guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what
girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album
cover and one you made with the iMac your mum got for Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year
olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know
where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues
genius", "£500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and
c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle. Well, maybe the latter...