the patter of tiny feet

[Billy Boy]

A man comes in from work one day to find his newlywed wife sitting, looking very troubled.

"Whatever is the matter darling?" he asks

"Oh dear, I don't know how you are going to take this." she says, "but, well, you know how we have just got used to hearing two pairs of feet in this house."

"Ye-es." says her husband

"Well, what if I told you we could soon be hearing three pairs of feet? Would that make you happy?"

The man jumps up delighted, "Oh of course my darling, of course! Oh this is wonderful news, so soon after our wedding too!"

"Oh I am so glad" she exclaims and pecks him on the nose, "And so will mother be, when she hears you don't mind her coming to stay with us!"

[Naefearjustbeer]

Ohh noo. Apply for a divorce straight away !!!

[Billy Boy]

The Broken Cuckoo Clock

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night "with the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, as always, one leads to two, which leads to rounds, which leads to a huge pub crawl and drunk as hell, the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning she asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'crap,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times, and then sang 'Danny Boy'."

[Billy Boy]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[Bobinovich]

The Broken Cuckoo Clock

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night "with the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, as always, one leads to two, which leads to rounds, which leads to a huge pub crawl and drunk as hell, the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning she asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'crap,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times, and then sang 'Danny Boy'."

LOL, superb!

[Billy Boy]

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but crap's instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

[Cedric Farthsbottom III]

Mr and Mrs Billy Boy .........yer humour is the best.After a hard week at work...ye have made me pee masel laughing

[Cedric Farthsbottom III]

Yer dishonest farter reminds me o' the Billy Connolly joke.Ye have just went into a toilet in Glasgow Central and went into a cubicle,there's a jobby floating on the loo,ye turn in disgust as another guy walks into the cubicle and ye say"It wisnae me"!!!!!!!!!!!!!