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Thread: Wednesday gag

  1. #1
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    Cool Wednesday gag

    A plane crashes over the Pacific,& this bloke wakes up beside Jennifer Anniston on a desert Island.She begins to tell him how they were the only survivors.As the days go by, they begin to fall for each other.They spend their days together by the beach,& nights together side by side in a wee treehouse.As the months go by their love blosssoms,Life is perfect.

    Then one morning Jennifer wakes up& sees her man sobbing his heart out.She makes her way over & asks if everything is ok? He tells her how perfect his life is,but there is just one thing missing,So Jen. says she would do anything to put that right and with that he asks her to put on his shirt,his trousers,his boots.He ties herb hair back,then puts his hat on her. He then draws a moustache & a beard on her with some charcoal. He then asks her to walk around the island in one direction & then he sets off in the other.

    Sure enough she sets off .After a wee while , he sees her walking towards him on the beach,dressed like a man.

    He runs towards her,and when they meet he says

    "here mister, ye`ll never guess who im kissing!"

  2. #2
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    <DIV><DIV><FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5><SPAN style="BACKGROUND-POSITION: 0% 50%; BACKGROUND-ATTACHMENT: scroll; moz-background-clip: initial; moz-background-origin: initial; moz-background-inline-policy: initial"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'">A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
    of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on
    Last edited by grantyg; 19-Apr-06 at 20:20.
    NEWS-FLASH - Coudroy Pillows are making headlines!

  3. #3
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by grantyg
    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
    of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on
    er.....what??
    You get what you give

  4. #4
    unicorn Guest

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    ah A serialised joke wtg granty lol but is this the peanut joke?

  5. #5
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by grantyg
    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
    of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on
    ... come on - is there more? Don't keep us in suspense!!

  6. #6
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    Yep sorry was being lazy and tried to copy and paste it but it messed up!

    Someone else post it please!
    NEWS-FLASH - Coudroy Pillows are making headlines!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by grantyg
    Yep sorry was being lazy and tried to copy and paste it but it messed up!

    Someone else post it please!
    ... post what!!!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeease someone finish it!!!!!!!

  8. #8
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    is this a sweet joke?

  9. #9
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    Cool

    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood & parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other Bats had smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them all to Get & leave him to get some sleep but being Bats they persisted until finally he gave in.

    "Okay, follow me," he said as he flew out of the cave with a thousand Bats behind him.Down through a valley they went,over a river & into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down & all the other Bats excitedly swarmed around him. `Now, do you see that tree over there?` He asked.

    `Yes,yes,yes!`the bats all screamed in a furious bloodthirsty frenzy.


    `Good,` replied the first Bat,"because I didnt!"

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stone Roses
    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood & parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other Bats had smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them all to Get & leave him to get some sleep but being Bats they persisted until finally he gave in.

    "Okay, follow me," he said as he flew out of the cave with a thousand Bats behind him.Down through a valley they went,over a river & into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down & all the other Bats excitedly swarmed around him. `Now, do you see that tree over there?` He asked.

    `Yes,yes,yes!`the bats all screamed in a furious bloodthirsty frenzy.


    `Good,` replied the first Bat,"because I didnt!"
    Excellent

  11. #11
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    Cool

    Why do elephants wear small green hats?
    So they can sneak across snooker tables un-noticed!

    Whats the difference between a small blue whale & a great white whale?
    Size & colour

    Whats green & red & goes at 100mph?
    A frog in a blender

  12. #12
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    Cool

    Whats grey & comes in half pints?
    An Elephant

    Q. What is the ultimate in trust?
    A. If you pm me Ill tell you, or Ill get a ban!

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by grantyg[FONT=Arial
    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load [/FONT]
    of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on
    This better not be a Senior Citizens joke, if it is, dont ever come east of Harthill again Grantyg, coz we will be waiting for ye
    Once the original Grumpy Owld Man but alas no more

  14. #14
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    Q What do coffee, chocolate and men have in common?
    A They all taste so much better when they are rich.

    Little red riding hood is skipping down the road when she sees the big bad wolf behind a log.
    "My what big eyes you have!" little red riding hood cries.
    The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
    Further down the road she sees the wolf again this time he was crouched behind a tree stump.
    "My what big ears you have!" little red riding hood calls.
    Again, the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
    About two miles on, little red riding hood sees the the wolf yet again, this time crouched behind a road sign.
    "My what big teeth you have!" little red gasps.
    With that the wolf jumps up from behind the sign post and screams: "Will you get lost? I'm trying to have a poo!"

  15. #15
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    Talking

    Finally it is here I hope it was worth the wait!

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he
    is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of
    peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
    another handful of peanuts.
    She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him
    another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why they don't you eat the
    peanuts yourself?"

    "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

    The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

    The old lady replied, "We just love sucking the chocolate off them."
    NEWS-FLASH - Coudroy Pillows are making headlines!

  16. #16
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    A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very
    handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
    been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
    everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
    offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be
    single and #2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab driver's
    fantasy with a kiss that would make a teenager blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
    I'm Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."
    NEWS-FLASH - Coudroy Pillows are making headlines!

  17. #17
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    Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."
    Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.
    Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?

    With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by grantyg
    Finally it is here I hope it was worth the wait!

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he
    is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of
    peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
    another handful of peanuts.
    She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him
    another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why they don't you eat the
    peanuts yourself?"

    "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

    The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

    The old lady replied, "We just love sucking the chocolate off them."

    Worth waiting for

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by golach
    This better not be a Senior Citizens joke, if it is, dont ever come east of Harthill again Grantyg, coz we will be waiting for ye
    A timeous warning for you Golach from Grantyg - don't accept anything in tips from your passengers unless it's sterling or euros

  20. #20
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    I was in one of the local car dealerships just this morning when a woman of blonde persuasion came in. She walked straight up to the mechanic and asked for a seven hundred and ten. We both looked at each other , then the mechanic asked the woman what a seven hundred and ten was. The little piece in the middle of the engine she said.Ive lost mine and i want a new one. Well neither of us knew what she was on about so i got her a bit of paper and asked her to draw what it looked like. She drew a circle and wrote710 in the middle of it. Still confused i popped open my bonnet and asked if there was a seven hundred and ten in my engine that she could see. Of course she says looking at me as though im stupid. Its right there....
















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