Quantas repair manual

**rich** · 30-Oct-09, 15:43

Qantas Airlines:**** Repair Division***

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny..... (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.***

**davie** · 30-Oct-09, 15:48

This one is as old as the Wright brothers but still funny - btw I was awarded an infringement or whatdeyecallit for posting funnies on the General Forum

**northener** · 30-Oct-09, 18:45

Originally Posted by davie

This one is as old as the Wright brothers but still funny - btw I was awarded an infringement or whatdeyecallit for posting funnies on the General Forum

Aye, be careful with that sense of humour...we can't have people being amused in here...this is a General section for General people.....

**Kathy@watten** · 30-Oct-09, 20:42

Be warned only hum drum, grey socks and Marks and Spencers undies, Joe bloggs and medium fits all on the general.....us generals don't want funny! I however did have a snicker to myself and think I may apply to fly a plane now.....how hard can it be? just don't touch the big red button. ( Father Ted fan)