Caithness Map :: Links to Site Map Paying too much for broadband? Move to PlusNet broadband and save£££s. Free setup now available - terms apply. PlusNet broadband.  
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 40 of 83

Thread: Lets get a bit o' humour back to the org.

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Wick
    Posts
    3,335

    Default

    Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car,
    where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

    "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

    "Nope," comes dad's reply, "
    I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive,just like you've been doing to me all these years."

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    here there and everywhere
    Posts
    1,516

    Default

    It's great to see some smiles again lol

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Wick
    Posts
    3,335

    Default

    A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, " Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else? " "Why?", asked the lady. " I'm on top of the hotel...nobody can see me!" " True", the man replied, " But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room."


  4. #24
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Posts
    591

    Default

    Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

    Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
    BUMP........ BUMP........BUMP

    Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
    BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........



    He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

    BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........

    He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

    BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP

    The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

    He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUM P..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

    Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
    slumped into his comfy chair.

    Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
    legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door.

    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... MP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

    The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

    The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    UMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
    bathroom cabinet......

    He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
    He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

    The coffin stopped.


  5. #25
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    7,069

    Default

    What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

    Philippe Phillope!

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Wick,Caithness,Scotland,The World
    Posts
    2,269

    Default

    Bunch o' pals go to a health farm realising that they are a bit overweight,so for the first four days nobody eats anything.

    On the fifth morning they are all sitting in the morning in the dining room,suddenly an argument starts in the hall.

    One of the group goes to see whats happening.There she see's a man shouting at the manager,"I'm starving!!!!!!......really starving!!!!!I need something to eat!!!!!Ye have to give me something to eat!!!!!"

    The lassie returns to her friends and says,"Hey folks,we definetely cannae have anything......but ye can have a chocolate bar?"

    "How dae ye ken that?",they ask.

    The lassie says,"Oh I just seen a guy oot there having a big flake!!!!!"
    Last edited by Cedric Farthsbottom III; 25-Mar-06 at 00:26.
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Wick,Caithness,Scotland,The World
    Posts
    2,269

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ann
    Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

    Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
    BUMP........ BUMP........BUMP

    Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
    BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........



    He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

    BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........

    He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

    BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP

    The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

    He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUM P..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

    Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
    slumped into his comfy chair.

    Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
    legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door.

    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... MP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

    The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

    The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    UMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
    bathroom cabinet......

    He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
    He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

    The coffin stopped.

    BRILLIANT!!!.....good one Ann
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Clyth
    Posts
    4,974

    Default

    I really must object to all this frivolity.
    Not only do I find it offensive but it lowers the tone of the whole board.

    I dread to think what people outwith the County make of some of the disgraceful and extreme views which some posters are hiding behind what they hope will simply be overlooked as 'jock'ularity.

    (Sorry folks, I couldn't be bothered with finding startling colours or BIG FONTS. So everybody will do what I say!)

    Can somebody please tell me how I can sneak to the Moderators behind your backs to make a big fuss and get you all in trouble!
    Animals I like, people I tolerate.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    7,069

    Smile

    A herd of buffalow are roaming the range when a tourist passes by.

    "Those are the ugliest animals I've ever seen" he mutters.

    One buffalo turns to another and says " Do you know what? I think I just heard a discouraging word."

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Posts
    591

    Default

    A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW appeared out of a dust cloud coming towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

    The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

    The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

    “That is correct, take one of the sheep,” said the shepherd.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

    “OK, why not,” answered the young man.

    “Clearly, you are a consultant,” said the shepherd.

    “That’s correct,” replied the young man, “but how did you guess that?”

    “No guessing required,” answered the shepherd. “You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked and you know absolutely nothing about my business. Now, give me back my dog.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Cumbernauld
    Posts
    198

    Default

    A guy rings up the doctor and says "Doctor I think I'm incontinent" The doc says "ok, where are you ringing from" and he says "from the waist down"

    heh

  12. #32
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Posts
    8,203

    Default

    A man finds a trumpet growing in his garden.......he had to root it oot,
    Mrs G's fav joke
    Once the original Grumpy Owld Man but alas no more

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    The last house
    Posts
    2,785

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JAWS
    I really must object to all this frivolity.
    Not only do I find it offensive but it lowers the tone of the whole board.

    I dread to think what people outwith the County make of some of the disgraceful and extreme views which some posters are hiding behind what they hope will simply be overlooked as 'jock'ularity.

    (Sorry folks, I couldn't be bothered with finding startling colours or BIG FONTS. So everybody will do what I say!)

    Can somebody please tell me how I can sneak to the Moderators behind your backs to make a big fuss and get you all in trouble!
    A four legged shark, a four legged shark, He'll never let you down,
    He'll write you a diatribe right to the end
    But can you call Jaws,call Jaws a friend.
    In the image of God? You must be joking!

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Not Wick
    Posts
    1,702

    Default

    While on holiday in Vienna, I visited a cemetary. I walked passed a grave and could hear music playing from under the ground. I ran to the main cemetary building and got hold of the caretaker of the cemetary. Fortunately he could speak quite good English.
    When I explained to him what I had heard I took him to the grave from where I could hear music being played.

    "Oh, that's nothing to be scared of" said the man.
    "It's only Mozart decomposing".
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Wick
    Posts
    275

    Default

    Duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "got any bread"? No! replies the barman, to which the duck replies "got any bread"? No! replies the barman with a little menace in his voice, "got any bread"? NO we don't have any bread! "got any bread"? NO! NO! NO! FOR THE LAST TIME WE DON'T HAVE ANY BREAD! and if you ask again I will nail your beak to the floor!...."got any nails"? no! "got any bread"?
    Live the Life

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    1,821

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ann
    A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW appeared out of a dust cloud coming towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

    The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

    The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

    “That is correct, take one of the sheep,” said the shepherd.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

    “OK, why not,” answered the young man.

    “Clearly, you are a consultant,” said the shepherd.

    “That’s correct,” replied the young man, “but how did you guess that?”

    “No guessing required,” answered the shepherd. “You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked and you know absolutely nothing about my business. Now, give me back my dog.

    EXELLENT!
    An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Cumbernauld
    Posts
    198

    Default

    What do you call a priest on a motorbike? Rev

    What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug

    What do you call a scottish woman with one leg longer than the other? Eileen

    What do you call a chinese woman with one leg longer than the other? Irene

    What do you call a Glasgow woman stood by herself? Elaine

    What do you call a man with 4 rabbits up his nose? Warren

    What do you call a woman balancing a tray of lager on her head? Beatrix

    heh

    oh and what about the guy that goes to the docs and says he feels like a chocolate bar and the doc says "Aye you're Bounty"

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Your nightmares!
    Posts
    3,381

    Default

    Not really a joke but see if you can work this one out:

    Police authorities are determined to prevent a major escape artist escaping from jail again, so they make a 10ft thick concrete base and stand him on the middle of it while they then build 20ft high concrete walls all around him and a concrete roof - no windows or doors or anything.
    All he has inside is a table and chair and a mirror.
    How did he escape?
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

    http://thetenaciousgardener.blogspot.co.uk/

  19. #39
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Ancient Caithness
    Posts
    2,090

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by porshiepoo
    Not really a joke but see if you can work this one out:

    Police authorities are determined to prevent a major escape artist escaping from jail again, so they make a 10ft thick concrete base and stand him on the middle of it while they then build 20ft high concrete walls all around him and a concrete roof - no windows or doors or anything.
    All he has inside is a table and chair and a mirror.
    How did he escape?
    My dad told me this one I think.......
    He looked in the mirror and he saw, he got the saw and sawed the table in half. Two halfs make a whole, so he climbed out of the hole and got away.

    Not sure what the chair was for.
    You get what you give

  20. #40
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Your nightmares!
    Posts
    3,381

    Default

    Oh poops saveman, I thought it was gonna take a bit longer than that.
    Ok,

    Daddy bull is in one field and over the road mummy bull is in another field. Baby bull gets out and is hit by a car on the road, he's not badly injured but who does he run to. Mummy bull on the left or daddy bull on the right?
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

    http://thetenaciousgardener.blogspot.co.uk/

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •