Reply With QuoteIt's great to see some smiles again lol
1K.Orger
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car,
where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "
I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive,just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Suspended
It's great to see some smiles again lol
1K.Orger
A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, " Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else? " "Why?", asked the lady. " I'm on top of the hotel...nobody can see me!" " True", the man replied, " But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room."
.Orger
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........ BUMP........BUMP
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUM P..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door.
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... MP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
UMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
bathroom cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
1K.Orger
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Phillope!
1K.Orger
Bunch o' pals go to a health farm realising that they are a bit overweight,so for the first four days nobody eats anything.
On the fifth morning they are all sitting in the morning in the dining room,suddenly an argument starts in the hall.
One of the group goes to see whats happening.There she see's a man shouting at the manager,"I'm starving!!!!!!......really starving!!!!!I need something to eat!!!!!Ye have to give me something to eat!!!!!"
The lassie returns to her friends and says,"Hey folks,we definetely cannae have anything......but ye can have a chocolate bar?"
"How dae ye ken that?",they ask.
The lassie says,"Oh I just seen a guy oot there having a big flake!!!!!"
Last edited by Cedric Farthsbottom III; 25-Mar-06 at 00:26.
Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho
1K.Orger
Originally Posted by Ann
Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho
Senior Member
I really must object to all this frivolity.
Not only do I find it offensive but it lowers the tone of the whole board.
I dread to think what people outwith the County make of some of the disgraceful and extreme views which some posters are hiding behind what they hope will simply be overlooked as 'jock'ularity.
(Sorry folks, I couldn't be bothered with finding startling colours or BIG FONTS. So everybody will do what I say!)
Can somebody please tell me how I can sneak to the Moderators behind your backs to make a big fuss and get you all in trouble!
Animals I like, people I tolerate.
1K.Orger
A herd of buffalow are roaming the range when a tourist passes by.
"Those are the ugliest animals I've ever seen" he mutters.
One buffalo turns to another and says " Do you know what? I think I just heard a discouraging word."
.Orger
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW appeared out of a dust cloud coming towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“That is correct, take one of the sheep,” said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
“OK, why not,” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant,” said the shepherd.
“That’s correct,” replied the young man, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required,” answered the shepherd. “You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked and you know absolutely nothing about my business. Now, give me back my dog.
.Orger
A guy rings up the doctor and says "Doctor I think I'm incontinent" The doc says "ok, where are you ringing from" and he says "from the waist down"
heh
1K.Orger
A man finds a trumpet growing in his garden.......he had to root it oot,
Mrs G's fav joke
Once the original Grumpy Owld Man but alas no more
1K.Orger
A four legged shark, a four legged shark, He'll never let you down,I really must object to all this frivolity.
Not only do I find it offensive but it lowers the tone of the whole board.
I dread to think what people outwith the County make of some of the disgraceful and extreme views which some posters are hiding behind what they hope will simply be overlooked as 'jock'ularity.
(Sorry folks, I couldn't be bothered with finding startling colours or BIG FONTS. So everybody will do what I say!)
Can somebody please tell me how I can sneak to the Moderators behind your backs to make a big fuss and get you all in trouble!
He'll write you a diatribe right to the end
But can you call Jaws,call Jaws a friend.
In the image of God? You must be joking!
1K.Orger
While on holiday in Vienna, I visited a cemetary. I walked passed a grave and could hear music playing from under the ground. I ran to the main cemetary building and got hold of the caretaker of the cemetary. Fortunately he could speak quite good English.
When I explained to him what I had heard I took him to the grave from where I could hear music being played.
"Oh, that's nothing to be scared of" said the man.
"It's only Mozart decomposing".
A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.
.Orger
Duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "got any bread"? No! replies the barman, to which the duck replies "got any bread"? No! replies the barman with a little menace in his voice, "got any bread"? NO we don't have any bread! "got any bread"? NO! NO! NO! FOR THE LAST TIME WE DON'T HAVE ANY BREAD! and if you ask again I will nail your beak to the floor!...."got any nails"? no! "got any bread"?
Live the Life
1K.Orger
EXELLENT!
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing
.Orger
What do you call a priest on a motorbike? Rev
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug
What do you call a scottish woman with one leg longer than the other? Eileen
What do you call a chinese woman with one leg longer than the other? Irene
What do you call a Glasgow woman stood by herself? Elaine
What do you call a man with 4 rabbits up his nose? Warren
What do you call a woman balancing a tray of lager on her head? Beatrix
heh
oh and what about the guy that goes to the docs and says he feels like a chocolate bar and the doc says "Aye you're Bounty"
1K.Orger
Not really a joke but see if you can work this one out:
Police authorities are determined to prevent a major escape artist escaping from jail again, so they make a 10ft thick concrete base and stand him on the middle of it while they then build 20ft high concrete walls all around him and a concrete roof - no windows or doors or anything.
All he has inside is a table and chair and a mirror.
How did he escape?
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
http://thetenaciousgardener.blogspot.co.uk/
1K.Orger
My dad told me this one I think.......
He looked in the mirror and he saw, he got the saw and sawed the table in half. Two halfs make a whole, so he climbed out of the hole and got away.
Not sure what the chair was for.
You get what you give
1K.Orger
Oh poops saveman, I thought it was gonna take a bit longer than that.
Ok,
Daddy bull is in one field and over the road mummy bull is in another field. Baby bull gets out and is hit by a car on the road, he's not badly injured but who does he run to. Mummy bull on the left or daddy bull on the right?
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
http://thetenaciousgardener.blogspot.co.uk/
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