Lets get a bit o' humour back to the org.

[Saveman]

Oh poops saveman, I thought it was gonna take a bit longer than that.
Ok,

Daddy bull is in one field and over the road mummy bull is in another field. Baby bull gets out and is hit by a car on the road, he's not badly injured but who does he run to. Mummy bull on the left or daddy bull on the right?

Mummy bull??? LOL!

[Saveman]

There's a wee bit o' a quiz in the chat room just noo, to get ye warmed up for e proper one tomorrow night if anyone wants to come....

[porshiepoo]

Duh, and you were doing so well Saveman! lol.

Is there really such a thing as a female bull???????????

[JAWS]

Can somebody please tell me how I can sneak to the Moderators behind your backs to make a big fuss and get you all in trouble!

Just after I posted the above comment last night the board went down.
I do hope the Moderators didn't feel they had to take that action in order to prevent me from bombarding them with PMs and emails.

Mind you, I suppose it did give them a bit of peace and quiet for a while.

[angela5]

A Democratic strategist assumes room temperature and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He's led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped.

St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops. All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks' second hands are moving faster than others.

St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock's second hand ends up moving faster.

The Democratic strategist looks around but doesn't see Bill Clinton's clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is.

"Oh," answers St. Peter, "that's being used as a ceiling fan."

[JAWS]

My ex-wife was standing in front of bedroom mirror with nothing on.
She was obviously feeling a little bit down because she said, "I look horrible, fat and ugly, say something to cheer me up."

Realising I should say something a little kind I thought for a second and replied, "Well, at least you don't need glasses!"

You just can't win with some women!

[angela5]

My ex-wife was standing in front of bedroom mirror with nothing on.
She was obviously feeling a little bit down because she said, "I look horrible, fat and ugly, say something to cheer me up."

Realising I should say something a little kind I thought for a second and replied, "Well, at least you don't need glasses!"

You just can't win with some women!

I'm sorry Jaws..i just had to laugh at that one..

[angela5]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

[highlander]

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US navy ship and the British authorities, off the scottish coast.The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITISH; please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid a collision.
US NAVY; Recommend your divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
BRITISH; Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
US NAVY; This is the Captain of the US Navy shi. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH; Negative. I say again. you will have to divert your course.
US NAVY; THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP, IN THE UNITIED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS. THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTHOR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH; we are a lighthouse. naff off.

[scorrie]

When my brother and I were 13 and 15 respectively we used to dabble in our father's drinks cupboard at New Year. After Mum and Dad were in bed we would sneak downstairs and take an armful of Lager cans upstairs. These would then be consumed in bed with the lights off. On finishing the can, it would be crushed and chucked under the bed. I can recall Mum tackling us about it one morning with the words "What were those strange metallic sounds coming from your bedroom last night?"

I replied "Err, it was just Odd Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark"

[Ann]

Highlander, that is brilliant! Ann

[Ann]

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Why did God throw him back down?"

[angela5]

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."

[Cedric Farthsbottom III]

Three chocolate bars walk into a room the first one says

"HELLO!!!I'M A MARS BAR"

The second one says

"HELLO!!!!I'M A BOUNTY!!!!"

The third one says

"hello!!!....I'm a wispa!!!"

[Ann]

Like it Cedric! Ann

[angela5]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying swine told you I was speeding too.

[Cedric Farthsbottom III]

A widemouthed frog is walking through the jungle and meets a giraffe.

The frog says,"HELLO!!!I'M A WIDE MOUTHED FROG WHO ARE YOU?"

"Hello I'm a giraffe and I eat leaves from the trees",says the giraffe.

The frog hops on and meets a parrot.

The frog says,"HELLO!!!I'M A WIDE MOUTHED FROG WHO ARE YOU?"

"Hello I'm a parrot and I eat seeds",says the parrot

Th frog hops along and meets a crocodile.

The frog says,"HEEEEEELLLLLLOOOO WHO ARE YOU?"

The crocodile says,"Hello I'm a crocodile and I eat Wide Mouthed Frogs."

The frog says,"oooooohh....ye don't get many of them around here!!!!!!!"

[angela5]

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth £50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send the pearl, re-bait the trap."

[DW]

It would appear that only humour of a certain type is acceptable. My thread about dead cats was pulled, now why would that be?

[Whitewater]

THE WASH CLOTH

A young motherr was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, She alwaws made a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time she wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure she was at least presentable. She then threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you ladies do, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

She was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven't we?"

She didn't respond.

After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when her 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

She told her to get another one from the linen closet

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."