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Thread: Groaners - whats ur best!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Cumbernauld
    Posts
    441

    Unhappy Groaners - whats ur best!

    There is probably a need for several alcoholic beverages required to appreciate this one.....! (Groan)
    A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
    MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
    Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free.
    The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
    MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"
    Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
    Much applause.
    MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"
    Simon: "Tonight Matthew I will be....(Scroll Down)


































    ...Simon and half-uncle."

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Cumbernauld
    Posts
    441

    Default

    A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
    A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
    The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast.
    The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the assembly line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.
    At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around the two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
    The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
    "I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
    "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Cumbernauld
    Posts
    441

    Default

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


    What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".


    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.





    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    1,655

    Cool

    Quote Originally Posted by grantyg
    There is probably a need for several alcoholic beverages required to appreciate this one.....! (Groan)
    A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
    MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
    Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free.
    The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
    MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"
    Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
    Much applause.
    MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"
    Simon: "Tonight Matthew I will be....(Scroll Down)


































    ...Simon and half-uncle."


























  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Not Wick
    Posts
    1,702

    Default

    Have you heard Elton John's tribute song to Mother Theresa of Calcutta?

    It's called Sandals in the bin.
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

  6. #6

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 2little2late
    Have you heard Elton John's tribute song to Mother Theresa of Calcutta?

    It's called Sandals in the bin.
    LOL...that is so funny
    Don't wrestle with pigs, you just get all dirty and the pig enjoys it.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Wick,Caithness,Scotland,The World
    Posts
    2,269

    Default

    Man.....a only went for a cup o' coffee,ye try and find a joke thread on the Org.It's like the buses in caithness ye wait for one and two come along at once.I'll stick wi yours grantyg that Cedric isnae funny!!!!
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

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