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Thread: Thursday Jokey Wokey!

  1. #1
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    Talking Thursday Jokey Wokey!

    A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.



    Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."


    Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."



    Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet poops its self!"



    *hopes poop ins`t on the getting the boot list!*

    Keep Laughing folks!

  2. #2
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    Heres my thursday joke !

    2 old men sitting chatting in an old folkes home, Im full of aches and pains today Alf, how do you feel? Alf replys.. like a new born baby fred, a new born baby? yep, no hair ,no teeth and ive just pooped myself.

    Made me laugh anyway !
    computer says no ........

  3. #3
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    Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other, "there is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?"

    The second man replies, "No, sorry, i don't seem to have any either".

    The first man then asks, "well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?".

    The second man says, "No, sorry!".

    The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change of a Twenty?".

  4. #4
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    Default Toilet signs

    The hands that clean these toilets
    also make you food...
    Please aim properly.


    Toilet out of order
    please use floor below


    We aim to please
    you aim too please!


    Patrons are requested to
    remain seated throughout
    the entire performance

  5. #5
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    A wee Thursday Joke to go wi a few o' the threads that are on the org. tonight.

    What do ye call a cowboy goat,who faints and then jumps up on a wall in a picturesque photograph?


    Billy the Kid
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cedric Farthsbottom III
    A wee Thursday Joke to go wi a few o' the threads that are on the org. tonight.

    What do ye call a cowboy goat,who faints and then jumps up on a wall in a picturesque photograph?


    Billy the Kid
    HA HA thats great where did you find that 1 ?

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Funky_Foal
    HA HA thats great where did you find that 1 ?
    Ma favourite pastime is listening to people telling stories/jokes etc.Must have a wee part of ma brain that retains all these ditties.

    Have met many folk who maybe aren't having the best of days,but a wee funny joke or story brings a smile to their face.

    To answer your question Funky Foal,I can say it was told to me between 1971-2006.
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  8. #8
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    This is an old one but still great

    A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts.When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?" "No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."

  9. #9
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    One morning Alex Furguson has a phone call from David Beckham. Sounding rather upset, David mumbled,"Alex mate, I don't fink I will be at training today. I am having trouble with this jigsaw puzzle and I'm not going anywhere until I have solved it."Alex replied, "Well, what sort of jigsaw puzzle it it?"David said, "It's got a picture of a tiger on the box but none of the peices seem to fit together. I've asked Victoria and she doesn't have a clue either."Alex, rather anoyed by now says, "Ok, give me five minutes and I'll come over and see what I can do." After a while, Alex reaches the house and is greeted by Victoria. She takes him into the kitchen where David is sitting at the table,shuffling the orange pieces and looking confused.Alex looks at him and immediately realising what has happenned says, "David, for Gods sake put the Frosties back in the box!!"

  10. #10
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    Oh brilliant!....

  11. #11
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    ACTUAL NOTES ON MEDICAL CHARTS...1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
    2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
    3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
    4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
    5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
    6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
    7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
    8. The patient refused autopsy.
    9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
    10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
    11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
    13. She is numb from her toes down.
    14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
    15. The skin was moist and dry.
    16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
    17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
    18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
    19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
    20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
    21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
    22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
    23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
    24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
    25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
    26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
    27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
    28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
    29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
    Last edited by grantyg; 04-Mar-06 at 12:21.

  12. #12
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    THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR...
    1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
    2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
    3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
    4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
    5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
    6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
    7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
    8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
    9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
    10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
    11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
    12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
    13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
    14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
    15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
    16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
    17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
    18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
    19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"
    20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
    22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
    23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
    24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
    26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

  13. #13

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    Brilliant Granty...lol
    Don't wrestle with pigs, you just get all dirty and the pig enjoys it.

  14. #14
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    8 Ways to Annoy the person in the Next Toilet...

    1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
    2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
    3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
    4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
    5.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.
    6. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"
    7. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before."
    8. Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by grantyg
    8 Ways to Annoy the person in the Next Toilet...

    1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
    2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
    3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
    4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
    5.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.
    6. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"
    7. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before."
    8. Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."
    Where do you get these from?
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

  16. #16
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    I don`t get let out much!

  17. #17
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    This fellow walks into a doctor's surgery and says "Doctor I need your help I think I'm a moth"

    Doctor "Well why come in here, you need to go and consult a psychiatrist"

    Reply "Well I just noticed that your light was on!"

  18. #18
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    Another patient walks into the doctors surgery and says"Doctor,I don't think I'm very exciting as people keep ignoring me."


    Doctor says "Who said that?"
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  19. #19
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    Two ladies sitting on a park bench when two guys who have just finished a tennis match walk past. The guy has a tennis ball in his shorts pocket. One of the women on the bench looks quite taken aback at the guys pocket.
    "It's only a tennis ball" says the man.
    "Blimey", says the woman "I've heard tennis elbow is sore but you must be in agony!".
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2little2late
    Two ladies sitting on a park bench when two guys who have just finished a tennis match walk past. The guy has a tennis ball in his shorts pocket. One of the women on the bench looks quite taken aback at the guys pocket.
    "It's only a tennis ball" says the man.
    "Blimey", says the woman "I've heard tennis elbow is sore but you must be in agony!".
    hee...hee..good one.

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