Worlds funniest joke

**ice box** · 15-Mar-06, 00:06

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

**angela5** · 15-Mar-06, 00:09

Caithness.org gets more popular by the minute...

**ice box** · 15-Mar-06, 00:11

nice one angela lol

**angela5** · 15-Mar-06, 00:16

a challenging test for blondes.....

**angela5** · 15-Mar-06, 00:25

Evolution.....

**ice box** · 15-Mar-06, 00:32

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

krieve · 15-Mar-06, 00:33

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and £1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the £1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

krieve · 15-Mar-06, 00:34

Originally Posted by angela5

Evolution.....

lol angela .......

**ice box** · 15-Mar-06, 00:35

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

**Cedric Farthsbottom III** · 15-Mar-06, 00:48

Originally Posted by angela5

Evolution.....

Classic,absolute classic!!!!!!!I would have put in smilies,but I'm young in org. terms and not allowed to put any in.But don't worry angela yir post put a big smile on ma face!!!!!!!!

**angela5** · 15-Mar-06, 00:50

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

krieve · 15-Mar-06, 00:52

even the animals are in on it lol

**Cedric Farthsbottom III** · 15-Mar-06, 00:55

Hee-hee nice one again.My mother once taught me about Constipation.If at first ye don't succeed....try,try and try again!!!!!!

**ice box** · 15-Mar-06, 00:58

Originally Posted by krieve

even the animals are in on it lol

cracking picture krieve

**Cedric Farthsbottom III** · 15-Mar-06, 01:08

Steven Speilberg is making a new murder,mystery set in a convent.So he goes to his auld pal John Williams and says,"John ye wrote the classic Jaws music for me and it worked a treat.Could ye write some new suspense music for the climax of ma new convent movie."

"Nae problem,"says John."What about Nun-Nun-Nun-Nun-Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!!!"

**plasticjock** · 15-Mar-06, 12:18

Woman walks into a pub and the barman asks her what would she like. She asks for a double-entendre…so he gave her one.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but bimbo’s and football players there." "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."
The boy replied, "No ############!? Who does she play for?"

This chappie living in a big, isolated house in the country is woken up in the early hours by someone knocking loudly on his door. He reluctantly gets out of bed and goes downstairs in his dressing gown as the knocking gets louder and more frantic.
"All right, all right, I'm coming" he shouts, as he opens the door.
There's a bloke stood there who says "I'm sorry to trouble you, but could you give me a push to get me started?" "What, at this hour? It's three o'clock in the bloody morning!" he tells him.
"I know", says the bloke, "but yours was the only house around here and I couldn't ask anyone else.
"Oh, alright", says the chappie, stepping outside grumpily. "I'll give you a push....Bloody hell, it's dark out here. Where are you?"
And the bloke answers "I'm over here…on the swing."

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo
He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front shouts, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.
The Japanese man shouts, "No, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"
By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.
"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.
Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.
The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:
<wait for it, wait for it!>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..."

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, eats it. Walks to the other end of the bar, picks up a pistacchio nut, looks at it, eats it. Monkey hops up on the pool table, picks up the cue ball, looks at it, eats it.
The bartender says, "Hey, your monkey just ate my cue ball!"
The guy says, "Oh yeah, he's always eating stuff. Here's some money, go buy yourself a new one."
A week later, same bar, same guy, same monkey. Guy sits at the bar, orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.
The bartender thinks "Hey, that's pretty crude!"
Monkey goes to the other end of the bar, picks up a pistacchio nut, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.
The bartender says, "Yo, Pal, what's with the monkey?"
The guy says, "Oh, yeah, he had so much trouble passing that cue ball, now he sizes everything before he eats it."

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we’ve never had a talking duck in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
………..so the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the Ringmaster, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr errr…Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord
The duck looks confused. "What would they want with a plasterer?"

Why Men Are Just Happier People!:
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
1: Your last name stays put.
2: The garage is all yours.
3: Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4: Chocolate is just another snack.
5: You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
6: You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7: Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8: The world is your urinal.
9: You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
10: Same work, more pay.
11: Wrinkles add character.
12: Wedding dress - £1000; suit rental - £100.
13: People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
14: The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15: New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
16: Only mood, ALL the time.
17: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18: You know stuff about tanks.
19: A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
20: You can open all your own jars.
21: You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22: If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
23: Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
24: Everything on your face stays its original colour.
25: Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26: You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
27: You almost never have strap problems in public.
28: You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
29: The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
30: You don't have to shave bellow your neck.
31: Your belly usually hides your big hips.
32: One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
33: You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
34: You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

**willowbankbear** · 15-Mar-06, 14:02

Originally Posted by Cedric

Hee-hee nice one again.My mother once taught me about Constipation.If at first ye don't succeed....try,try and try again!!!!!!

Succeed!! thats what birds do

**willowbankbear** · 15-Mar-06, 14:07

Originally Posted by plasticjock

Woman walks into a pub and the barman asks her what would she like. She asks for a double-entendre…so he gave her one.

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo
He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front shouts, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.
The Japanese man shouts, "No, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"
By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.
"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.
Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.
The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:
<wait for it, wait for it!>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..."

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, eats it. Walks to the other end of the bar, picks up a pistacchio nut, looks at it, eats it. Monkey hops up on the pool table, picks up the cue ball, looks at it, eats it.
The bartender says, "Hey, your monkey just ate my cue ball!"
The guy says, "Oh yeah, he's always eating stuff. Here's some money, go buy yourself a new one."
A week later, same bar, same guy, same monkey. Guy sits at the bar, orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.
The bartender thinks "Hey, that's pretty crude!"
Monkey goes to the other end of the bar, picks up a pistacchio nut, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.
The bartender says, "Yo, Pal, what's with the monkey?"
The guy says, "Oh, yeah, he had so much trouble passing that cue ball, now he sizes everything before he eats it."

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we’ve never had a talking duck in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
………..so the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the Ringmaster, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr errr…Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord
The duck looks confused. "What would they want with a plasterer?"

Why Men Are Just Happier People!:
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
1: Your last name stays put.
2: The garage is all yours.
3: Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4: Chocolate is just another snack.
5: You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
6: You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7: Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8: The world is your urinal.
9: You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
10: Same work, more pay.
11: Wrinkles add character.
12: Wedding dress - £1000; suit rental - £100.
13: People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
14: The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15: New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
16: Only mood, ALL the time.
17: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18: You know stuff about tanks.
19: A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
20: You can open all your own jars.
21: You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22: If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
23: Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
24: Everything on your face stays its original colour.
25: Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26: You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
27: You almost never have strap problems in public.
28: You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
29: The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
30: You don't have to shave bellow your neck.
31: Your belly usually hides your big hips.
32: One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
33: You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
34: You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Bonnie & Funny ROFL