Worlds funniest joke

**Abdullah** · 07-Mar-06, 23:22

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

**2little2late** · 07-Mar-06, 23:32

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer doesn't complain about a 3 and a half inch floppy.

**Abdullah** · 07-Mar-06, 23:34

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!

**Cedric Farthsbottom III** · 07-Mar-06, 23:35

Abdullah,Saveman and 2little2late,have been stranded on a desert island for two months and their food supplies have finally withered down to one softie morning roll.

"I know,"says Saveman."We shall all go to sleep and whoever has the best dream can eat the softie."

They all agree and go to sleep.

Six hours later,they all wake up and the three of them start to discuss their dreams.

Abdullah says,"I dreamt I was surrounded by 10 zillion pounds and I spoiled masel' rotten."

Saveman says,"I dreamt I was surrounded by the world's 100 sexiest women and what a rare ter I had."

2little2late sheepingly says,"I dreamt the softie was going mouldy,so I got up and ate it"!!!!!!!!!!

**connieb19** · 07-Mar-06, 23:37

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

**connieb19** · 07-Mar-06, 23:39

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

The man siad "Well the month is up tonight".

**angela5** · 07-Mar-06, 23:42

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

**Abdullah** · 07-Mar-06, 23:45

Termite walks into the pub and asks, "is the bar tender here"?

**angela5** · 07-Mar-06, 23:51

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em." The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

**2little2late** · 07-Mar-06, 23:51

Blonde woman asks a man in the street,
"Could you tell me where the other side of the road is please?"
"Yes, I'ts over there" The man says pointing across the road.
"Thank you" says the blonde.

She walks across the road and asks a man,
"Excuse me, could you tell me where the other side of the road is please?"
"Yes, it's over there" says the man, pointing across the road.
"That's wierd", says the blonde, "I've just asked a man over there and he told me it was this side".

**angela5** · 07-Mar-06, 23:54

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

**angela5** · 07-Mar-06, 23:56

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

**Cedric Farthsbottom III** · 07-Mar-06, 23:57

Whats green and eats nuts?

A male squirrel who's missus has just ran off with the neighbourhood stud!!!!!

**angela5** · 08-Mar-06, 00:00

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

**angela5** · 08-Mar-06, 00:01

Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he sees another blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.

Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells to the blonde in the cornfield: "Hey, if I knew how to swim, I'd go right out there and give you a piece of my mind!"

**Cedric Farthsbottom III** · 08-Mar-06, 00:03

How do you know when a blonde has made a mistake in typing out a post on Caithness.org?

Tippex on the computer screen!!!!

**2little2late** · 08-Mar-06, 00:04

Originally Posted by angela5

Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he sees another blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.

Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells to the blonde in the cornfield: "Hey, if I knew how to swim, I'd go right out there and give you a piece of my mind!"

I'm not being rude here but as this is directed at the male you don't happen to be blonde do you?

**2little2late** · 08-Mar-06, 00:05

Originally Posted by Cedric Farthsbottom III

How do you know when a blonde has made a mistake in typing out a post on Caithness.org?

Tippex on the computer screen!!!!

Brilliant Cedric.

**angela5** · 08-Mar-06, 00:09

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...

"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet!"