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Thread: Worlds funniest joke

  1. #21
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    One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so.

    The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

    Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

    The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman.

    She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

  2. #22
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    Red face World's funniest joke.

    The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)
    AD "You say you went up to your friends house that night. Why did you go there?"
    Witness "Tae get a tap."
    AD "Is your friend a plumber?"
    Witness "Naw."
    AD " Are you a plumber?"
    Witness "Naw"

    The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.

    AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"
    Witness "Naw."
    AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"
    Witness "Naw."

    In exasperation the AD says, " You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of tap was it?"

    Witness "A Sellick tap."

  3. #23
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    ~Why does edward woodward have so many "d"s in his name?

    If he didnt he would be E waa Woo Waa

    You have to say it out loud but its FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

  4. #24
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    Thumbs up

    Quote Originally Posted by squidge
    ~Why does edward woodward have so many "d"s in his name?

    If he didnt he would be E waa Woo Waa

    You have to say it out loud but its FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY


    really funny
    no amount of darkness can drive out darkness
    only light can do that.

  5. #25
    hoskins Guest

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    funny

  6. #26
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    There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

    1. He called everyone "brother"
    2. He liked Gospel
    3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

    1. He went into His Fathers business.
    2. He lived at home until he was 33.
    3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

    1. He talked with his hands.
    2. He had wine with every meal.
    3. He used olive oil.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

    1. He never cut his hair.
    2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
    3. He started a new religion.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

    1. He never got married.
    2. He was always telling stories.
    3. He loved green pastures.

    But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

    1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
    2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it..
    3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

  7. #27
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    An Australian woman is lying in bed when her husband comes in with a sheep under his arm.
    This is the pig I have been sleeping with when you are not around, he declares.
    I think you will find that is a sheep you ignorant fool, replies the wife.
    I wasn’t talking to you says the husband.
    'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
    There's something going wrong around here

  8. #28
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    Q: Why did Jesus Christ cross the road?
    A: Because he was nailed to the chicken.


    A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

  9. #29
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    "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual


    A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for £1. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "Is this deal correct?"
    "Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached".
    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by George Brims
    Keeping up the fart theme...

    An elderly couple are in church. The man whispers in his wife's ear "I just let slip a big silent fart. What should I do?" She rummages in her bag and finds a pen, and writes in the flyleaf of his hymn book "The first thing you should do when we get home is change the battery in your hearing aid"
    good one..

  11. #31
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    RSPCA walk into a fish and chip shop.They say to the owner,"Sorry mate,but we're goingto have to close you down."

    "Why's that?",says the owner.

    RSPCA say "Cos we hear ye have been battering your fish!!"..............boom,boom!!!
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  12. #32
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    I have just remembered the most wonderful joke in the world.This is it.....now all you orgers.....brace yourselves this is the funniest joke that you have ever heard.You have heard many a witty jest in this thread,but this is the one.....Oh yes this is the one but watch out because I might get into trouble and be banned for many months as this joke is very,very DIRTY





















    Joke the Coalman(told ye it was dirty!!!!!!)
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  13. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cedric Farthsbottom III
    I have just remembered the most wonderful joke in the world.This is it.....now all you orgers.....brace yourselves this is the funniest joke that you have ever heard.You have heard many a witty jest in this thread,but this is the one.....Oh yes this is the one but watch out because I might get into trouble and be banned for many months as this joke is very,very DIRTY





















    Joke the Coalman(told ye it was dirty!!!!!!)
    cedric did u think that one your self lol





    Last edited by ice box; 25-Feb-06 at 13:49.

  14. #34
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    why is a pea small and green?

    because if it was big and red it would be a fire engine

    what's red and invisible?

    no tomatoes

  15. #35
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    Talking bars and more bars...

    A pie walked into a bar and the barman says "sorry, we don't serve food here"

    A half-eaten pie walks into a bar and barman says "sorry, I can't serve you, you're wasted"

    A brain walks into a bar and the barman says "sorry, I can't serve you, you're out of your head"

    A horse walks into a bar and barman says "Why the long face?"

    A dyslexic walked into a bra.

    A guy walks into a bar with his giraffe. He orders a pint for himself and a pint for his giraffe. The giraffe downs his pint and promptly collapses. The barman says "hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The guy says "no, it's a giraffe" geddit? heheh

    An englishman, an irishman, a scotsman, a one-armed nun, a pirate, a pie and a brain walk into a bar and the barman says "What is this? some kind of joke??"

    Bar jokes are the only ones I remember, I wonder why that is....

  16. #36
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    One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
    Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

    So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

    So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

    Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
    Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

  17. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by katarina
    One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
    Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

    So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

    So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

    Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

    Good one Katarina.....

  18. #38

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    Quote Originally Posted by katarina
    One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
    Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

    So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

    So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

    Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
    is that a true story katarina...you should have put it on the most embarrasing thread...lol
    Don't wrestle with pigs, you just get all dirty and the pig enjoys it.

  19. #39
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    What did the blonde say after having multiple orgasms?

    Well done, team.
    Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

  20. #40
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    A guy walks into his local in the afternoon, orders a pint and starts to look very upset to the point of weeping into his beer. Concerned about this, the landlord asks the man what is wrong.

    "My dog died today, he was sooo loyal and great company since my wife died, I am at a loss as to how I can remember him and how he was."

    The landlord rather devilishly says "Why don't you dock the tail and hang it up in the pub, so whenever you come in for your pint, you will see the tail and you will never forget your faithful friend?

    The man looks up happily and agrees to do this and walks out.

    That evening, just as the customers were leaving, the man thanks the landlord for being so understanding about his grief as they both sit and admire the big fluffy tail which is hanging from one of the solid oaks beams.

    All of a sudden, a ghostly four legged apparition walks through the pub and jumps up to the bar on 2 legs and speaks in a haunting, echoing voice...

    "O Master! O Master! Can I have my tail back? I cannot go to doggy heaven without my tail!"

    The landlord then angrily slams down the shutters on the doggy spectre's paws and shouts..." We do not retail spirits after 11 o'clock!!"
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

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