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Thread: Worlds funniest joke

  1. #201
    krieve Guest

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    rotfpml ice box

  2. #202
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    Hee-hee Nice one ice-box

    Goodnight All!!!!
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  3. #203
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  4. #204
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    How To Tell If You Are from Society’s Dregs:

    Your Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your spouse.
    You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
    You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
    Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
    You wonder how service stations keep their bogs so clean.
    Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
    You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
    The book value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it..
    You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
    One of your kids was born on a pool table.
    You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
    You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
    Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a really bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every sentence out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with four-letter words. Patiently, John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
    Finally, after a week of this, John was so fed up he screamed at the parrot. The parrot yelled back even ruder. John, in increasing desperation, grabbed the bird out of the cage and threw him in the freezer and slammed the lid shut. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, screamed and swore.………..then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
    Fearing that he may have hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the lid of the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and looking John in the eye said, "Sir, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to curb my uncouth and unforgivable behaviour."
    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had brought about such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued in a quiet voice, "May I ask what the turkey did, sir?"


    2 Jockeys racing for the line in the National, suddenly as they are about to cross the finish line one of them chucks a packet of Jaffa cakes at the other followed by some shortbread fingers, a box of Paxo, some of those sugary jelly fruits, a tin of pears, a 6kg tin of Quality Street and fifty quid in Iceland vouchers, The jockey who caught all the items finished second, but was declared the winner after a Steward’s Enquiry agreed he’d been hampered


    Fella making love to his missus and he’s been at it for quite a while. His missus asks him what’s taking him so long and he replies, “I can’t think of anyone”


    Woman can’t get laid. Hasn’t had sex for at least 5 years. Smart businesswoman, runs her own company, successful, dresses nice, lots of socialising…..but can’t get a man to come home with her. So she goes to the doctor and explains all this and how it is affecting her business, how she deals with people, her employees, her clients, how depressed she’s getting…and how frustrated she is.
    Her doctor explains that he’s not really au fait with these kind of problems but that he can recommend a Chinese doctor friend of his who specialises in diagnosing these sorts of issues. She agrees to see him and he give her a letter of introduction.
    She makes an appointment with the Chinese doctor and goes to see him. When he finishes reading the letter he looks up at her and says, “Take off croze, prease” So she strip down. He then says, “Okay, get down on hans-knees and craw’ towar’ door!”
    So she crawls to the door, thinking this is most strange. “Okay, turn round and craw’ back preaze!” says doctor.
    When she ges back to desk the doctor says,”Okay, stan’up. You have a-most a-serious probrem. You hav’ Exaggery Disease!”
    “Oh my god……err…I’ve never heard of it, what is it?”, she asks.
    The doctor looks her straight in the eye and bellows,”It’s when yo’ face look exaggery like yo’ arse!”



    A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
    She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
    As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
    "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    "Actually, no," he replied.
    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
    "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
    "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to gasp.
    "Tell him?...tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


    What's a foot long and slippery?
    A Slipper


    There are two cows in a field.
    The first cow says to the second, “Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?”
    The second cow says, “Of course not, I'm a duck”


    What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out your undies.
    Your mum on washing day


    A bloke walks into the dentist surgery and says 'I think I'm a moth'.
    The dentist says “Well, why did you come to the dentist? You should see a psychiatrist shouldn't you?”
    The bloke replies, “Well...your light was on”.


    Fella walks into the doctors and says, “Doc, I have a lettuce growing out of my bum”
    The doctor says,”That could just be the tip of the iceberg.......”


    What’s pink and hard?…….A pig with a flick knife.
    Last edited by plasticjock; 16-Mar-06 at 15:08.

  5. #205
    krieve Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by ice box
    lol funny one icebox

  6. #206
    hoskins Guest

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    Our Four Sons Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million pound home.”
    Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
    “Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million pound home.”
    Last edited by hoskins; 16-Mar-06 at 21:37.

  7. #207
    hoskins Guest

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    Little Johnny Stands Up A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
    After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

  8. #208
    hoskins Guest

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    Brunette Meets Genie A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
    The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
    The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
    The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
    The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
    The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

  9. #209
    hoskins Guest

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    She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
    When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
    Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

  10. #210
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    Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast that they can now take photos of Women with their gobs SHUT

  11. #211
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    Quote Originally Posted by Willowbankbear
    Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast that they can now take photos of Women with their gobs SHUT
    Classic. Brilliant.
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

  12. #212
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    Cool

    Quote Originally Posted by 2little2late
    Classic. Brilliant.
    Thanks

  13. #213
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    Quote Originally Posted by hoskins
    Little Johnny Stands Up A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
    After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
    Good one hoskins!!! The fart one's a stonker too!!!!!
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  14. #214
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    North Tonight team go up to a farmer and say,"Some local residents have told us that your animals can speak."

    "aye be true,"the farmer replies.

    So the North Tonight reporter goes to a field and says"Who are ye?"

    "Heellllloooo,I'm Daisy the cow,back fae a wee calf,and I give the farmer milk."

    Reporter goes to the farmyard and says,"Who are ye?"

    "Heeelllllloooo I'm Clara the chicken and I give the farmer eggs."

    Reporter turns around a corner and says "Who are ye?"

    "Heeellllllloooo I'm Percy the pig and I give the farmer bacon."

    The Reporter is heading towards another field.The farmer's face goes white and starts running up ahead,reaches the field and says,"Sally the sheep if you say anything yer deid!!!!!!"
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

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