Worlds funniest joke

[mostlyharmless]

3 men stranded on a desert island, one day the first man is walking along the beach when he finds a lantern so he gives it a clean and out pops a genie.
I'm the genie of the lamp I'll grant you three wishes, wow thats great he said
and the other men gather round and they decide to have a wish each.

The first one says 'I really miss my family and friends at home can you send me back'.. poof he;s gone.
The second says 'I miss my wife so much and my dear children let me go back to see them'... poof he's gone.

The third man says ' Its such a desolate island and really lonely can I have my friends back........

A joke to think on ; What do you call a schizophrenic woman - Suzannne.

[angela5]

I just can't resist..i know i said i wont post jokes..



What's the best thing about having sex with a taxi driver?

He's never in a hurry to get from A to B and he'll often take as long as he can..

[angela5]

Life is all about asses...you're either covering your own,
laughing it off....
kicking it...........
kissing it...........
busting it..........
trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one!

[angela5]

A woman complains to her friend how a simple act of politeness has led to her getting divorced.
'All i did was open the car door for him!' she moans.
'That's awful,' her friend agrees. 'what an ungrateful swine!'
'Tell me about it,' she says. 'Mind you, we were travelling at 70mph along the M25 at the time.'

[angela5]

Two women were pushing their shopping trolleys around the supermarket when they collide into each other.
first women: 'I'm sorry about that. I was'nt paying attention to where i was going. I'm trying to find my husband, you see.'
second women:'That's quite all right-i happen to be looking for my husband too.'
first women:'oh well, if that's the case, maybe we could help each other. What does your husband look like?'
second women:'He's 6ft 2in, with broad shoulders, muscly arms, a flat stomach,dark hair and smouldering eyes. What does yours look like?'
first women:'It does'nt matter. Let's look for yours!'

[erli]

Paddy buys himself a new bath, but goes back to the shop to complain.
He says, "whenever I fill it up, the water just runs out", the shop assistant says, "did you not buy a plug with it"? "och" says Paddy, "you didn't tell me that it was electric".

[ice box]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars.
During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce"
Watson says: " I see millions of stars and, even if a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like Earth and if their are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent...."

[ice box]

MALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Wind down your car window.

3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.

4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5) Wind up window.

6) Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine.

3) Restart the stalled engine.

4) Wind down the window.

5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6) Turn the radio down.

7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.

8) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car.

9) Insert card.

10) Re-insert card the right way up.

11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12) Enter PIN

13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN

14) Enter amount of cash required.

15) Check make up in rear view mirror.

16) Retrieve cash and receipt.

17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19) Recheck make up again.

20) Drive forward 2 meters.

21) Reverse back to cash machine.

22) Retrieve card

23) Re-empty handbag,locate card holder and place card into slot provided.

24) Restart stalled engine and proceed.

25) Drive for 2-3 miles.

26) Release handbrake.

[angela5]

MALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Wind down your car window.

3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.

4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5) Wind up window.

6) Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE.


1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine.

3) Restart the stalled engine.

4) Wind down the window.

5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6) Turn the radio down.

7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.

8) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car.

9) Insert card.

10) Re-insert card the right way up.

11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12) Enter PIN

13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN

14) Enter amount of cash required.

15) Check make up in rear view mirror.

16) Retrieve cash and receipt.

17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19) Recheck make up again.

20) Drive forward 2 meters.

21) Reverse back to cash machine.

22) Retrieve card

23) Re-empty handbag,locate card holder and place card into slot provided.

24) Restart stalled engine and proceed.

25) Drive for 2-3 miles.

26) Release handbrake.

good one icebox...

[krieve]

good one icebox lol

[ice box]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked, Bring food.

[angela5]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked, Bring food.

lol...ain't that so true

[katarina]

Two women arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. As they are waiting for St Peter to open up, they strike up a conversation.
1st woman; How did you die?
2nd woman; I froze to death. you?
1st woman; Well, i thought my husband was having an afair, so i came home early one day sure i was going to catch the tart in my house. Sure enough, he was struggling into his clothes looking guilty. I ran up the stairs - she wasn't there. I searched all the cupboards - she wasn't there; I ran to the attic, she wasn't there. I ran to the cellar, she wasn't there. I ran to the garage, she wasn't there. All that running was too much for me - I took a heart attack and keeled over.
2nd woman; you should have looked in the fridge - then maybe you would still be alive.
Boom boom.

Did you hear about the man whyo was still making love at 98?
Mind you he lived at 72.....
boom boom.

[angela5]

Why is it very rare that a woman will make a fool out of a man?

Most of them can do it for themselves.

[2little2late]

Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?

They sell more tickets.

[Cedric Farthsbottom III]

Guy walks into the opticians and says"Mr Optician these glasses are not very good that ye gave me.I cannae see a thing."

The lassie says,"Aye you're not right there Mister,this is Christies the 99p shop!!!!!!"

[girnigoe]

Whilst walking down the road the other day my friend and I come across 6 burly men beating up my mother-in-law. Friend says to me.... "Are you not going to help"

My reply "Nah, six should be enough"!!!!!!!




BTW - Mother in law. I really do love you!! hahaha

[ice box]

thats a good one .

[angela5]

Whilst walking down the road the other day my friend and I come across 6 burly men beating up my mother-in-law. Friend says to me.... "Are you not going to help"

My reply "Nah, six should be enough"!!!!!!!




BTW - Mother in law. I really do love you!! hahaha

funny..

[Lassie]

nothing personal its the only clean jokes i know!
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3 blondes walk into a building, surely 1 of them would have seen it.
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a blonde an a brunnette jump off a building, which one hits the floor first?
the brunnette, the blonde has to stop and ask directions.
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a lady went and got her hair done at the hairdressers. as she was driving home she came across a farmer. she got out and said if i can guess how many sheep you have there can i keep 1? the farmer agrees. the lady goes u have 182 sheep! the farmer says well done and the lady chooses a sheep. she thanks the farmer and puts the sheep in the car. then the farmer turns round and says if i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my sheep back. the lady agrees and the farmer says she is a blonde. the blonde asks how he knew that and the farmer says well considering thats a dog not a sheep i think it's kinf of obvious.
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how do you get 3 blondes to sink a submarine?
knock on the door!
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A blonde walks into into an electrical store and askes for the tv in the corner. the shop assistant says no we don't sell to blondes. the blonde was a bit mad so she went an got her hair dyed brown. she goes back to the shop and asks for the tv again but she got the same reply. She then pointed to her hair and said she was a brunnette but the shop assistant wouldn't sell the tv to her. she asked why the man wouldn't sell the tv to her so he explained it was a microwave not a tv.