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Thread: Worlds funniest joke

  1. #1
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    Default Worlds funniest joke

    This is supposed to be the worlds funniest joke
    "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

    What's the funniest joke you have heard...obviously it has to be clean
    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

  2. #2
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    ..i posted a clean joke once..it was removed so i'll keep away from posting more..i'll just enjoy everyone else's.

  3. #3
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    The other day I phoned up Pizza Hut and asked for a thin and
    crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.



    A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the
    barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
    smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
    "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by MGB1979
    A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the
    barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
    smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
    "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."

  5. #5
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MGB1979
    The other day I phoned up Pizza Hut and asked for a thin and
    crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.



    A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the
    barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
    smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
    "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."
    wonder if that joke will be removed lol....like it though hahahahaha
    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by MGB1979
    The other day I phoned up Pizza Hut and asked for a thin and
    crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.



    A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the
    barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
    smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
    "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."
    Brill joke, must remember it ! paris x
    computer says no ........

  7. #7

    Default

    How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
    Two. If you slice them very thinly.

    WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
    Because they are plugged into a genius


    An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
    "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
    Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
    "Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
    Never squat with your spurs on!

  8. #8
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    Dog walks into a saloon bar with a bandaged foot.The saloon falls silent and all the cowboys look up from their drinks.

    The dog looks at them all and says "I'm looking for the man who shot ma paw!"...........................sorry!!!
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  9. #9
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    Keeping up the fart theme...

    An elderly couple are in church. The man whispers in his wife's ear "I just let slip a big silent fart. What should I do?" She rummages in her bag and finds a pen, and writes in the flyleaf of his hymn book "The first thing you should do when we get home is change the battery in your hearing aid"

  10. #10
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    Another elderly couple were sitting at the breakfast table.the old woman turns to her man and says "Jack we're both 80 year old,but do you remember the younger days when we used to sit at the breakfast table in the nude."

    "Aye Grace,I remember,they days.Do you want to try it"

    So they both take off their clothes and sit there at the table.

    Grace pipes up,"Here Jack I'm starting to feel a bit flushed,do ye think romance is in the air."

    Jack replies,"Naw,don't worry Grace love,one of your boobs is in your coffee mug."
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  11. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cedric Farthsbottom III
    Dog walks into a saloon bar with a bandaged foot.The saloon falls silent and all the cowboys look up from their drinks.

    The dog looks at them all and says "I'm looking for the man who shot ma paw!"...........................sorry!!!
    LOL LOL LOL

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    Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store?

    It was too tight.
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

  13. #13
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    There was an old bloke sat in the corner of the pub looking downright miserable so the landlord goes over and says "cheer up it might never happen".

    "It already happened" said the bloke. "Come on" said the landlord "it can't be all that bad". "It can" says the bloke "and it is, I was out milking the cow this morning and I'd got a good bit in the bucket when she kicked and knocked it over". "That's not so bad" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke, "so she couldn't do it again I took a bit of baling string and tied her leg to the side of the stall and I'd just got a good bit of milk in the bucket when she kicked with her other leg and knocked it over again". "That's still not so bad" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke "I took another bit of baling string and tied the other leg to the other side of the stall and I'd just got a good bit of milk in the bucket when she swished her tail and knocked it over again. "Well that's still nothing to be so miserable about" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke "I'd no more baling string left so I took my belt off and used it to tie her tail to the rafter and just as my trousers fell down my wife walked into the byre".

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by fred
    There was an old bloke sat in the corner of the pub looking downright miserable so the landlord goes over and says "cheer up it might never happen".

    "It already happened" said the bloke. "Come on" said the landlord "it can't be all that bad". "It can" says the bloke "and it is, I was out milking the cow this morning and I'd got a good bit in the bucket when she kicked and knocked it over". "That's not so bad" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke, "so she couldn't do it again I took a bit of baling string and tied her leg to the side of the stall and I'd just got a good bit of milk in the bucket when she kicked with her other leg and knocked it over again". "That's still not so bad" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke "I took another bit of baling string and tied the other leg to the other side of the stall and I'd just got a good bit of milk in the bucket when she swished her tail and knocked it over again. "Well that's still nothing to be so miserable about" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke "I'd no more baling string left so I took my belt off and used it to tie her tail to the rafter and just as my trousers fell down my wife walked into the byre".

  15. #15
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    Smile A bit fishy

    Two goldfish in a bowl which one is called Bob?

    The one in the front.

    Because the one in the back is saying,"Bob,Bob,Bob,Bob.........!"
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cedric Farthsbottom III
    Two goldfish in a bowl which one is called Bob?

    The one in the front.

    Because the one in the back is saying,"Bob,Bob,Bob,Bob.........!"
    Two goldfish in a tank.
    One says to the orher
    "I hope you know how to drive this"
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2little2late
    Two goldfish in a tank.
    One says to the orher
    "I hope you know how to drive this"
    Mum says to her son,"Don't ye think its time ye changed the water in that goldfish tank yet?"

    The son says,"But Mum,they haven't drunk the last lot yet!!!!!!!!!"
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  18. #18
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    Bill and Ben the flower pot men were talking to each other.
    Bill says "flobba lobba flob"
    Ben says " are you drunk again?"
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2little2late
    Bill and Ben the flower pot men were talking to each other.
    Bill says "flobba lobba flob"
    Ben says " are you drunk again?"
    Bill and Ben the flower pot men were having a bath.

    Bill went "flobba lobba flob"

    Ben says "if you fart in the bath one more time I'm outta here!!!!!"
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cedric Farthsbottom III
    Bill and Ben the flower pot men were having a bath.

    Bill went "flobba lobba flob"

    Ben says "if you fart in the bath one more time I'm outta here!!!!!"
    Brilliant.
    A 1991 Gallup survey indicated that 49 percent of Americans didn't know that white bread is made from wheat.

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