My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to 'phone a friend,"
and then the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security Office to apply for Social Security
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised that I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I would have to return home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt to reveal my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me."
And she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience and she said,
"You should have dropped your trousers, you might have got Disability benefit as well,"
and then the fight started.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, prepared my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing at 50mph, so I pulled
back into the garage, turned on the radio and heard that the weather would be bad
all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"the weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe it - my stupid husband is out fishing in that!"
and that's how the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept staring at a
drunken lady, swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand that she took to drinking right after we split up all those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since".
"My God," said my wife.
"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!"
and then the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the fillet steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
and then the fight started.

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."
and that's how the fight started.