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Thread: Lets Design A Prison !!

  1. #1
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    Default Lets Design A Prison !!

    I have just been reading the thread about whether those those convicted of Knife crime should automatically go to jail. After having nearly got my virtual pitchfork and torch out of the cupboard I thought, whats the point ?? We have already seen how some criminals dont want to leave prison because it is so cushy !!

    Its time for a change, we the public should have the right to decide what kind of treatment these muppets get, this being an open forum with many and varied points of view I thought we could have a go at designing a new look prison for todays criminal.

    I give you my effort .. "Lord Flashearts Criminal Emporium"

    On being processed into this fine establishment you will be met by your Prison Officer, he will be ex militairy and you will get the feeling he doesnt like you. Your right. He doesnt. With a uniform like a french riot policeman and a cap that obscures his eyes he will look ferocious. He also speaks in a wierd language of short sharp barks, failure to answer these will result in a short sharp boot from his steel toe cap. As you move towards being issued your prison clothing you will hear The Clash singing "I fought the law and the law won", . TAKE NOTE .. if you think that is intimidating then just check out your uniform of pink plimsoles, trousers (one leg shorter than the other) and t-shirt. You do not look cool or hard now matey. On your t-shirt will be your name, crime and how long until you get out. We dont care if your good, you aint getting out any earlier.

    On reaching your cell you find it lavishly decorated in day glo pink and green. Your bed is a matalan mattress on the floor and you dont have to worry about cell mates as you are on your own. We dont want you cooking up some schemes with a hardened criminal now do we ??, We arent completely inhuman though and have supplied you with some posters of saucy women. Lets just hope you find a 6 ft by 6 ft portrait of Anne Widdecombe in a thong bikini alluring eh ?? Toilet facilities are en suite and consist of a pipe leading out of the window and down to the ground. So does every other cell. You will be required, along with your fellow "pink pillocks" to clean this pile up every morning. You made it, you sort it. Why should law abiding folks pay from their taxes to clean up your whoopsies ??

    Onto the canteen now. Here the main course is Quiche, REAL men dont eat it after all. Until our dispensation comes through and you will be enjoying a fresh leg of paedophile, roast child molester or curried child abductor. We have the raw material for these meals and waste not want not eh ??, but dont worry .. it tastes like chicken. After a hearty meal you can go to the recreation area. Here we have PC's, Playstation 3's, Xbox 360's, Nintendo Wii's, Pool and Snooker tables and a wide variety of gaming machines. Well, pictures of them at least. They are there to remind you what you could have been doing if you hadnt broke the law and used a knife. You are too busy sunshine to enjoy these fabulous colour pictures anyway as all those pink clothes dont wash themselves you know !!, Quick stint in the roasting hot laundry then off to your cell to ensure it is spick and span and Anne is looking as radiant as ever.

    Visting times .. Dont have them. If you had behaved you could see your mum as often as you like so .. tough. Food Parcels are accepted though, that nice man whose eyes you cant see in the riot police uniform will give you a list of the things he likes. I suggest you are most emphatic in making sure they arrive promptly.

    Oh .. and enjoy your stay ..
    If life gives you lemons squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes with it.

  2. #2
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    Default That will do nice.

    All of the above ,or and could we put it on Stroma.
    A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.

  3. #3
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    good post lord flasheart,

    kinda reminds me o' a book i read by...i think it wis sandra brown...maybe no.

    it wis aboot 'e lascie that got caught smugglin heroin fie thailand. she done a couple o' years in a jail over ayre. it wis hard goin i think. they hed til sleep on floors and clean oot 'e sewage tanks every week or somethin

    obviously things are a lot tougher over ayre but it widna harm til toughen up prison rules til make it less cooshy.....
    Merry Meet, Merry Part and Merry Meet Again
    Blessed Be...

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by trix View Post
    good post lord flasheart,

    kinda reminds me o' a book i read by...i think it wis sandra brown...maybe no.

    it wis aboot 'e lascie that got caught smugglin heroin fie thailand. she done a couple o' years in a jail over ayre. it wis hard goin i think. they hed til sleep on floors and clean oot 'e sewage tanks every week or somethin

    obviously things are a lot tougher over ayre but it widna harm til toughen up prison rules til make it less cooshy.....
    Cheers Trix.

    And do they have a crime problem like us in Thailand ??, now I am going to stick my neck out and say that Prison should be somewhere you DONT want to go. But heck I am just old fashioned.

    My criminal emporium will now have the beds removed .. and while I am at it the bikini is coming off Anne Widdecombe as well. That might be heading into sadism but so be it.

    Have they decided if they are going to jail them yet on the knife thread ??, my warders are all ready and waiting ...
    If life gives you lemons squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes with it.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kevin Milkins View Post
    All of the above ,or and could we put it on Stroma.
    And I thought I was sadistic !!
    If life gives you lemons squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes with it.

  6. #6
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    Default Stroma

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Flasheart View Post
    And I thought I was sadistic !!
    I can feel the wind blowing through the bars of the cell windows.
    What about some piped music of perhaps Des O Conner or Max Bygraves.
    A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by trix View Post
    kinda reminds me o' a book i read by...i think it wis sandra brown...maybe no.
    gregory...sandra gregory her name wis....

    forget yer hev a daughter wis 'e naime o'ed...
    Merry Meet, Merry Part and Merry Meet Again
    Blessed Be...

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kevin Milkins View Post
    I can feel the wind blowing through the bars of the cell windows.
    What about some piped music of perhaps Des O Conner or Max Bygraves.
    Kevin you are truly a man after my own heart. There should be no mercy for these muppets, I would go with "Maid of Orleans" by OMD played constantly. After three weeks they will be eating their own earlobes. Des O Connor and Max Bygraves we would keep for the hardened offenders.

    Des and Max ?? .. *gulp* .. *shudders*
    If life gives you lemons squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes with it.

  9. #9
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    Englebert Humperdink singing Release Me on a constant loop would be better/worse.
    I would give them recreation time of 1 hour of jogging around the yard. However it's not all fun-they are wearing pedometer's that measure their speed and if it drop's below 7mph then they get a shock to the.....well, wherever you wish to attach the electrodes!

  10. #10
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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by joxville View Post
    Englebert Humperdink singing Release Me on a constant loop would be better/worse.
    I would give them recreation time of 1 hour of jogging around the yard. However it's not all fun-they are wearing pedometer's that measure their speed and if it drop's below 7mph then they get a shock to the.....well, wherever you wish to attach the electrodes!
    Liking it. Englebert Humperdinck idea top notch and duly implemented.

    Do you want a job as a warder Jox ??, you have the skills for it. Now that we have sorted the aerobic exercise I suggest that to work those muscles we have a set of pull up bars and a really angry set of police dogs. Bottom line is that if your ankle drops within range of Fido it becomes its next bone. The inmates get some exercise and the dogs get familiar with thier prey, everyone wins.
    If life gives you lemons squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes with it.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Flasheart View Post
    I have just been reading the thread about whether those those convicted of Knife crime should automatically go to jail. After having nearly got my virtual pitchfork and torch out of the cupboard I thought, whats the point ?? We have already seen how some criminals dont want to leave prison because it is so cushy !!

    Its time for a change, we the public should have the right to decide what kind of treatment these muppets get, this being an open forum with many and varied points of view I thought we could have a go at designing a new look prison for todays criminal.

    I give you my effort .. "Lord Flashearts Criminal Emporium"

    On being processed into this fine establishment you will be met by your Prison Officer, he will be ex militairy and you will get the feeling he doesnt like you. Your right. He doesnt. With a uniform like a french riot policeman and a cap that obscures his eyes he will look ferocious. He also speaks in a wierd language of short sharp barks, failure to answer these will result in a short sharp boot from his steel toe cap. As you move towards being issued your prison clothing you will hear The Clash singing "I fought the law and the law won", . TAKE NOTE .. if you think that is intimidating then just check out your uniform of pink plimsoles, trousers (one leg shorter than the other) and t-shirt. You do not look cool or hard now matey. On your t-shirt will be your name, crime and how long until you get out. We dont care if your good, you aint getting out any earlier.

    On reaching your cell you find it lavishly decorated in day glo pink and green. Your bed is a matalan mattress on the floor and you dont have to worry about cell mates as you are on your own. We dont want you cooking up some schemes with a hardened criminal now do we ??, We arent completely inhuman though and have supplied you with some posters of saucy women. Lets just hope you find a 6 ft by 6 ft portrait of Anne Widdecombe in a thong bikini alluring eh ?? Toilet facilities are en suite and consist of a pipe leading out of the window and down to the ground. So does every other cell. You will be required, along with your fellow "pink pillocks" to clean this pile up every morning. You made it, you sort it. Why should law abiding folks pay from their taxes to clean up your whoopsies ??

    Onto the canteen now. Here the main course is Quiche, REAL men dont eat it after all. Until our dispensation comes through and you will be enjoying a fresh leg of paedophile, roast child molester or curried child abductor. We have the raw material for these meals and waste not want not eh ??, but dont worry .. it tastes like chicken. After a hearty meal you can go to the recreation area. Here we have PC's, Playstation 3's, Xbox 360's, Nintendo Wii's, Pool and Snooker tables and a wide variety of gaming machines. Well, pictures of them at least. They are there to remind you what you could have been doing if you hadnt broke the law and used a knife. You are too busy sunshine to enjoy these fabulous colour pictures anyway as all those pink clothes dont wash themselves you know !!, Quick stint in the roasting hot laundry then off to your cell to ensure it is spick and span and Anne is looking as radiant as ever.

    Visting times .. Dont have them. If you had behaved you could see your mum as often as you like so .. tough. Food Parcels are accepted though, that nice man whose eyes you cant see in the riot police uniform will give you a list of the things he likes. I suggest you are most emphatic in making sure they arrive promptly.

    Oh .. and enjoy your stay ..
    I firmly believe architects should be forced to live in their own creations. What say you, your Lordship?
    "It makes my blood burn with metal energy..."

  13. #13
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    Hey you lot that is not fair on Stroma! Blimey a view like that would fair add to the attraction of JOG tho!


  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Metalattakk View Post
    I firmly believe architects should be forced to live in their own creations. What say you, your Lordship?
    I'm with you on that Metalattakk. I worked for a removal company years ago and know what it's like trying to get furniture in and out of 'rabbit hutches'.

  15. #15

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    I think to make the jogging even more muscle unfriendly would be the proverbial ball and chain around the ankles. Of course there would have to be some hard labour flung in for good measure, by way of pick axe duties involving the breaking of rocks.......

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by elaine View Post
    OK even for some prisoners that was extreme but at least the reoffending rate would go down. Think we are far too soft on prisoners. I know that the biggest danger in prison is other prisoners and very lax prison security. If it was worse maybe the same names would not come up so often in the "Groat" every Friday.
    Spring has sprung, the grass is ris', I wonder where the birdies is, the birdies is on d' wing, now thats absurd, everyone knows d' wing is on d' bird

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kevin Milkins View Post
    All of the above ,or and could we put it on Stroma.
    Why would you impose all those scum onto Stroma?

  18. #18
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    Lord Flasheart, you're being way too soft on these dregs of society. Don't even bother with prison - just hang them all. And bring back drawing and quartering and sticking their heads on London Bridge to go with the hanging. Minor offences could be dealt with by poking their eyes out or chopping their hands off, just like the bible tell us to.

    In fact, do away with the whole judiciary system - what the heck, you'll lose a few innocent people, but think how many of the poor, the mentally ill, the drug-addicted, the no-hopers and the ethnic minorities you'll get rid of. And it'll be even simpler to deter female criminals - bring back the stake.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tilter View Post
    Lord Flasheart, you're being way too soft on these dregs of society. Don't even bother with prison - just hang them all. And bring back drawing and quartering and sticking their heads on London Bridge to go with the hanging. Minor offences could be dealt with by poking their eyes out or chopping their hands off, just like the bible tell us to.

    In fact, do away with the whole judiciary system - what the heck, you'll lose a few innocent people, but think how many of the poor, the mentally ill, the drug-addicted, the no-hopers and the ethnic minorities you'll get rid of. And it'll be even simpler to deter female criminals - bring back the stake.
    Then you have the trial by combat where the accused was allowed to fight his/her accuser to clear their names. Sometimes the Accuser was killed but hey ho, that's life, or death if you were unlucky.

  20. #20
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    The prison system in this country leaves a lot to be desired,I dont mean that they have a hard time,I mean they have far too good a time!For instance,my cousin was sent to borstal when he was younger,when he came home he complained that his Mum was not offering him the kind of food he had got in borstal,he said that he had steak,roasts etc everyday!I am lucky if I can afford to supply my kids with a good roast dinner once a week!Also not that long ago I wanted to do a degree,but couldnt afford to do it,but if I was in prison it would have been paid for!I think that if you do the crime,you do the time,and it should be hardtime!That way people would be less likely to re-offend!x
    The nice thing about living in a small place is that if you dont know what you are doing....there's always somebody who does,or thinks they do! x

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