comments please (writing a book)

[the_count]

The sun shone weakly through the methane soaked atmosphere in the early morning light. She slowly climbed out of the hole that had become her lair for the night. As the sun rose the sky changed to a turquoise blue colour, which reflected off her carapace and claws. Everything she did seem to be laboured as if the previous night’s exertions had taken all the energy from her. The plateau she found herself on was rectangular in shape, with sheer drops on the north and east sides and a line of trees on the west side. To the south was a large wooded area with various path ways leading through the thickets and undergrowth. The plateau was the size of four football pitches and it appeared to be flat with the exception of a dip near the North West corner.
As she turned through the full three hundred and sixty degrees checking her territory the slight sound of scrabbling came from below. She snapped one of her claws shut with a loud click and the sound from below ceased. Having checked the surrounding area for possible dangers she headed of towards the north-west corner of her plateau over the fallen tree and through the gap that the fallen tree had created. In front of her was a vast meadow with a river creating the west boundary and a large forested area creating a barrier to the south. Along the far side of the river there were rows of what appeared to be fallen trees neatly lined up pointing down to the river. The logs were of various sizes ranging from ten feet to forty feet in length. To the north the meadow seemed to go on to the far horizon with the occasional shrub or tree breaking the flatness. Along the eastern side was a line of trees that followed the line from her plateau and seemed to thin out some distance away.
In the meadow were a group of carralick, a large hairless creature (the size of a cow) that grazed the grassland of this strange land. She was looking for something a little smaller such as a stepper or swiller or something of their size. Steppers were large bipedal lizards about the size of a chicken and swillers lived in low brush and wooded areas and were about the size of a small pig. There were one or two youngsters amongst the adult carralick but she thought better of it and carried on down through the meadow, keeping close to the line of trees, where the grass was longer, giving her better cover. Two eagles soared above, looking down, taking in the sight below.
Back at the lair of the creature a horned viper sidled its way across the ground above the entrance hole. It was looking for somewhere to escape the heat of the day and stretched its body out over the void below. Without finding a purchase the inevitable happened and the snake disappeared into the hole. Almost immediately there was a sound of movement from below.

[JamesMcVean]

Count,

I like your writing style....It feels alien... But...and there is a but lol

You are obviously writing about an alien land with alien creatures so completely different to anything on earth...Would eagles and snakes survive in a methane atmos? You tend to use "human" terms "Football pitches" "Pigs" "Chickens"...Why not make it all the more alien and describe the area as vast...or try and give a more rough description of the creatures...then the reader can make up their own mind as to the look of them???

I tend to leave the descriptions to a minimum and let the story tell the tale -

Here is an example from my first book of a demon being harried by a pack of wolves...

Krangresh the Demon was furious. Insane rage drove him onwards, despite the damage his body had taken. He clenched his fists and screamed in frustration, the unearthly sound shattering the silence of the forest.


Yet again the shadows erupted with growls and howls, fangs bit and sliced swiftly, before the enemy melted back into the night.


With a few uttered, guttural syllables and an outstretched palm, a nearby tree exploded into flames. The light swept away the shadows, revealing dozens of wolves; eyes bright with reflected fire; hackles risen and ears folded flat; muzzles bloodied with shining fangs bared.

The nearest wolf leapt as the rest scattered into the night. Two large paws hit the Demon’s chest, causing him to stagger and trip over a fallen branch. The brave wolf began tearing at the face and neck of the fallen creature, before a single powerful hand closed around its furry throat.


A terrible yelp of fear and pain sounded as black flames swept from the fist. The shaggy fur around its throat burned as the grip tightened. Desperately the wolf fought to escape, howling piteously. Moments later the charred, lifeless animal was tossed into the bushes.

Hope these comments help, mate

All the very best with your writing

Look up this website
www.writersdock.com
It is full of peeps writing and reading each others stuff and helping out where possible...A good learing ground


Cheers

James

[the_count]

thanx for that james its a story written in the not to distant future but the forward would have clarified that.
Forward

The years of warring and neglect of the planets resources had left the planet changed and scarred. What had once been a green heaven had been poisoned and changed over the last 500 years and the final conflict against the aliens had the natives of the planet resorting to poisoning the atmosphere to make the planet uninhabitable to the aliens and sadly to the indigenous life of the planet also. Most of the plant-life had survived unchanged and the plants were slowly over the eons, changing the planets atmosphere to a more eco friendly one, replacing the methane atmosphere back to an oxygen based one. Although most of the animal life had died out a few of the hardier species had managed to survive and even prosper.
Life will always find a way, they say, and animals had evolved to take up the niches left by the extinct species. Most of the animal life had evolved virtually hairless due to the constant temperatures of the planet and there were predators also. Birds and insects had survived although a large number of bird species did die out. Some of the species had become true giants due to the vast changes that had taken place, and to the niches that had been left vacant. But for the greater part most of the life was now greatly changed from before although there were some parallels of evolution.

I shall have to get back into my writing again as my daughter is on her third book (she's 16 lol) i think she may well turn out to be a prolific writer in the J K Rowling genre of books (mystery and magic). She is at the finding publishers stage at the moment so i am keeping my fingers crossed for her.

[trinkie]

Welcome Count,

I think James has given you good advice here.
This is not my kind of story. Being a fragile creature too many alien creepy crawlies put me off !

However, I think it's wonderful that you are so eager to write. Keep at it .

Best wishes to you and your daughter,
Trinkie

[horseman]

she hissed and flickered her tounge,warm and quiet. down she slithered flickering still,until her body was snapped in 2 with amazing speed,still writhing,being devoured as a first meal by a new carnivour-with wings ,not just wagging legs,he swallowed the viper and crept on up to the surface-narrowed his eyes to the fierce light and shrieked long and loud,no reply nor challenge came. He was master of all.New found wings found the wind and hammered at it.Leaps and jumps answered. Better views of them all,more coverage, up and down,speed and height,this was evolution at the double.all was now at his reach,all he needed now was a mate

[Kismet]

Sounds good and whole heap of good luck to your daughter too, will look forward to hearing if she is published myself and my daughter love Harry potter and the mystery magic stuff. Alien, vampire and monster stuff too so will keep an eye on yours being published as well