Just a couple of jokes...



I went to see my friend's new baby today.

She asked me if I'd like to wind it but I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead leg.

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Q: Why is it a bad idea to give tramps heroin?
A: Because you get a smacked bum.

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A man’s running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he’d fancy.

“A quickie, please.”

“Sir,” she says, “I’ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?”

“Yes,” says the man again. “A quickie.” Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff. “Mate,” says the guy at the next table, “it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

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I wanted to ask my wife her honest view on sexist jokes.

But she was too busy doing the cooking.

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Apparently, my grandad has been like a 'fish out of water' since moving into the old peoples home.

In other words, he's dead.

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The last time I went on holiday I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels.

I must remember to take more toilet paper in future.

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Q: How many swingers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Swingers don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

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I killed a duvet the other day.

To be honest, I’m feeling a bit quilty about it.

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I had a car crash last week. The driver I hit got out and happened to be a dwarf. He said to me: “I’m not happy.”

I replied: “Well which one are you?”

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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.