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Thread: Exciting discovery

  1. #1

    Default Exciting discovery

    An exciting discovery concerning the earliest form of life on Earth was announced in the news tonight, pushing back the ancestry of all life (including, of course, ourselves) to some 4.82 billion years ago, around the period of formation of the first oceans and way earlier than previously thought. The discovery of these microscopic, filamentous organisms is causing quite a stir as can well be imagined but there is no news yet on what they ate- (possibly one another as there was not much else around at the time and certainly no fast food outlets).
    Apparently, a clue may lie in a tiny and poignant piece of graffiti, found scratched into the ancient rock in which the fossils were found, that reads:
    Its How Long to the invention of cheese? Dont think I can hold out.......

  2. #2
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    Somebody's on a cheese bender tonight.
    We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine....
    And the machine is bleeding to death."


  3. #3
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    come on then, pass it round, we all want a puff :-)

  4. #4
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    Default Just Say Cheese

    Interesting Essay on the American consumption of Cheese from 1981, though still quite relevent today.

    Quote Originally Posted by Frank Zappa
    Just Say Cheese

    It has been suggested that the Gross National Product is perhaps not the best indicator of how well we are doing as a society since it tells us nothing about the Quality of our Lives . . . but, is this worth dwelling upon as we grovel our way along in the general direction of the 21st Century? When future historians write about us, if they base their conclusions on whatever material goods survive from Present-Day America, we will undoubtedly stand alone among nations and be known forevermore as THOSE WHO CHOSE CHEESE.

    As you will recall, folks, nobody ever had as much going for them in the beginning as we did. Let's face it... we were fantastic. Today, unfortunately, we are merely WEIRD. This is a shocking thing to say, since no Red-Blooded American likes to think of his or herself as being WEIRD, but when there are other options and a whole nation CHOOSES CHEESE, that is WEIRD.

    Our mental health has been in a semi-wretched condition for quite some time now. One of the reasons for this distress, aside from CHOOSING CHEESE as a way of life, is the fact that we have (against some incredibly stiff competition) emerged victorious as the biggest bunch of liars on the face of the planet. No society has managed to invest more time and energy in the perpetuation of the fiction that it is moral, sane, and wholesome than our current crop of Modern Americans.

    This same delusion is the Mysterious Force behind our national desire to avoid behaving in any way that might be construed as INTELLIGENT. Modern Americans behave as if intelligence were some sort of hideous deformity. To cosmeticize it, many otherwise normal citizens attempt a peculiar type of self-inflicted homemade mental nose-job (designed to lower the recipient's socio-intellectual profile to the point where the ability to communicate on the most mongolian level provides the necessary certification to become ONE OF THE GUYS). Let's face it . . . nobody wants to hang out with someone who is smarter than they are. This is not FUN.

    Americans have always valued the idea of FUN. We have a National Craving for FUN. We don't get very much of it anymore, so we do two things: first we rummage around for anything that might be FUN, then (since it really wasn't FUN stuff in the first place) we pretend to enjoy it (whatever it was). The net result: STRESSED CHEESE.

    But where does all this CHEESE really come from? It wouldn't be fair to blame it all on TV, although some credit must be given to whoever it is at each of the networks that GIVES US WHAT WE WANT. (You don't ask -- you don't get.) Folks, we now have GOT IT . . . lots of it . . . and, in our Infinite American Wisdom, we have constructed elaborate systems to insure that future generations will have an even more abundant supply of that fragrant substance upon which we presently thrive.

    If we can't blame it on the TV, then where does it come from? Obviously, we are weird if we have to ask such a question. Surely we must realize by now (except for the fact that we lie to ourselves so much that we get confused sometimes) that as Contemporary Americans we have an almost magical ability to turn anything we touch into a festering mound of self-destructing poot.

    How can we do this with such incredible precision? Well, one good way is to form a Committee. Committees composed of all kinds of desperate American Types have been known to convert the combined unfulfilled emotional needs and repressed biological urges of their memberships into complex masses of cheese-like organisms at the rap of a gavel. Committee Cheese is usually sliced very thin, then bound into volumes for eventual dispersal in courts of law, legislative chambers, and public facilities where you are invited to eat all you want.

    If that doesn't fill you up, there's the exciting Union Cheese . . . the most readily available cheese-type offered. The thing that's so exciting about Union Cheese, from the gourmet's point of view, is the classic simplicity of the mathematical formula from which it is derived. In fact, it is difficult to avoid a state of Total Ecstasy if one contemplates the proposition that no import quota yet devised has proven equal to the task of neutralizing the lethal emissions generated by the ripening process of this piquant native confection. Should we not be overtaken by some unspeakable emotion when we consider the fact that the smaller the amount of care taken in the preparation of each Union Cheese Artifact, the more triumphant the blast as the vapors stream forth from every nook and cranny of whatever it was that the stalwart craftperson got payed $19.00 per hour to slap together?

    Still hungry? Union Cheese might be the most readily available, but no type of cheese in America today has achieved the popular acceptance of Accountant Cheese. If it is true that YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, then surely our national willingness to eat this stuff tells us more about ourselves than we probably wish to know. Obviously we have found The Cheese To Believe In. Why not? It is manufactured by people who count money, endorsed as nutritionally sound by Civic Leaders, and delivered by The Media door to door.

    The Quality of Our Lives (if we think of this matter in terms of How much of what we individually consider to be Beautiful are we able to experience every day?) seems an irrelevant matter, now that all decisions regarding the creation and distribution of Works of Art must first pass under the limbo bar (a/k/a The Bottom Line), along with things like Taste and The Public Interest, all tied like a tin can to the wagging tale of the sacred Prime Rate Poodle. The aforementioned festering poot is coming your way at a theatre or drive-in near you. It wakes you up every morning as it droozles out of your digital clock radio. An ARTS COUNCIL somewhere is getting a special batch ready with little tuxedos on it so you can think it's precious.

    Yes Virginia . . . there is a FREE LUNCH. We are eating it now. Can I get you a napkin?

    (C) Frank Zappa, April 1, 1981
    We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine....
    And the machine is bleeding to death."


  5. #5

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    I have read all the science behind this post. I will now digest it very Caerphilly.



    I really am wasted...on here!

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goodfellers View Post
    I have read all the science behind this post. I will now digest it very Caerphilly.
    Hehe, that's a gouda one

  7. #7

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    Feta load of rubbish this thread is.

  8. #8

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    Edam lot just never stop do you!

  9. #9
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    Laughing so hard I can hardly brie.

  10. #10

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    Having started this thread, I'm obviously committed to it but I guess that could just be me being parmesan.

  11. #11

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    These are all very cheesy but they are starting to ​grate

  12. #12

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    I will return to this thread when the jokes start getting ​feta

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by Goodfellers View Post
    I will return to this thread when the jokes start getting ​feta
    Maybe by about next Wensleydale?

  14. #14

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    Would have replied earlier but I've been out painting my boat, took a lot longer than I expected coz I double Gloucester ​now she's super shiny

  15. #15

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    Feta load of rubbish this thread is.

    Mozzarella's ur problem? It's edam fine thread!
    Last edited by Fulmar; 03-Mar-17 at 16:53.

  16. #16
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    My mate Richard loves cheese...perhaps Ricotta read this thread

  17. #17

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    Someone has just blown up my newly painted boat.........there is de brie everywhere

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goodfellers View Post
    Someone has just blown up my newly painted boat.........there is de brie everywhere
    I told you not to try and repeat the Philadelphia experiment.....

  19. #19

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    Some Seriously Strong comments on here. Would anyone from Cathedral City ( Kirkwall ) like to comment?

  20. #20

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    I think that we have a long way still to go with this. After all, this thread is not exactly crowdie yet, unlike that other one on here. How about branching out into the world of media and entertainment and adding it into the mix?
    The classic 'Philadelphia' has already been mentioned but more recently, there has been 'Bridget Jones' Babybel'. Also, who can ever forget Sir Lawrence Olivier delivering those classic lines from Hamlet 'To brie or not to brie, that is the question?' Equally, I'm sure some of us of a certain vintage will remember 'The Roquefort Files' and then there's my favourite line from Gone With the Wind when Rhett Butler says to Scarlet O'Hara 'Frankly, my dear I don't give edam'!

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