Contemporary Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professionalwrestling is real
but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't possibly be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Jonathan Katz
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

~ Warren Tantum ~
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley