A tandoori doon the neck it was
Wi some beers doon to swallow
A was pis......drunk oot ma eyeballs
Ma brain navigation i did follow

Cos i looked at some familiar trees
And some street signs I'd seen before
Was a really on my real way home
Too late ma arse began to roar

"Damn ye tandoori" I screamed oot loud
Ma hoose is still for miles
I'm drunk and ma bowels are squeezing
Right against ma soddin piles

I cannae jump over a bush
Cos the policeman's walking to me
He asks if I am awright
I reply "I'm hunky doe---reee"

But I'm no,my stomachs achin
That curry is playing the fandango
Inside ma insides its dancing away
I bet it was that chutney fu' aw mango

But I've managed to drag masel across the city
It seemed ma toilet was just in sight
That glittering white porcelain
"Oh man"I have to get their wi aw ma might

So I'm sweating gettin on the toilet seat
Wi a litre fu aw water in a beaker
But ma night time woes have eased at last
Wi the pressure fae ma skeeter