Another Pig Story in Today's Post
E’ PEEG
A SAD TALE OF THEFT,EXTORTION,VANDALISM & HARRASSMENT IN A WEST CAITHNESS COASTAL VILLAGE
This tale goes back some years or more, readers, so bear with me. This is a fictional tale, all participants being purely imaginary, and only referred to by pseudonyms which are nothing like their real names, had they any.
We start with an elderly gent, who could be called Red . He tenanted a small croft, and his father before him. To cut a short story long he left the croft many years ago, but retained the tenancy. Enter then a well known local bandit whom we shall call Cee Dubya.
Cee Dubya tries to get the croft tenancy from old Red , but Red knows his tricks and tells him to take his hook and sling it, or words to that effect. You need to remember here that if you have the croft tenancy you can buy the place from the landlord for a few times the annual rent and some of these wee crofts might have a rental of £5 per year. Ah but Cee Dubya is determined and fly, and well known in the legal world, being something of a QC.
Now Cee Dubya has a right hand man, or enforcer, whom we shall call Wig who persuades a wee Bonnet Lairdie to sell HIM the croft and wee house. The dodgy deal goes ahead on the quiet and the Wig fellow becomes the Red fellow’s landlord all for about £50. Cee Dubya and Wig are well satisfied with their bargain and plans are set in motion to renovate Red’s old house and let it out to passing tourists and add to Cee Dubya‘s fortune.
Of course greed sets in almost immediately and the slates are removed from the poor Red fellow’s old house one Sunday, by Cee Dubya and his man Wig. For this act of compassion they try to extort £3000 from the old fellow. Apparently his response can not be put in print. So that was the end of poor Red’s participation and we shall hear no more of him.
There is however a fly in the ointment, one who owns an adjoining housie, more of him later but for the moment we may call him Kee Wee, which is of course nothing like his real name.
In fact as I said earlier this is a fictional tale, and has no bearing on reality.
Now Cee Dubya being a very a greedy thief, and used to shouting at the Crofters Commission and Land Court to get his own way and rob a bit here and there, decides that he wants to have the adjoining house as well. Along with his cohort Wig they set out to win the house next door by any means, mostly foul.
They start by blocking the road to Kee Wee’s housie so that anyone wanting access has to walk in past boulders and tree trunks. These obstructions being supplied gratis by the wee Bonnet Lairdie mentioned earlier in the tale.
The Kee Wee fellow, being a bit slow, accepts this imposition without much comment but the bold bandits then proceed to excavate and destroy the sewer drain to Kee Wee’s wee house, thus making it uninhabitable. Just to add a bit more pressure to the poor KeeWee the windows of his forlorn wee house start to get broken overnight.
It seems like end of the line for the unfortunate Kee Wee, but is there help in sight somewhere down the road ??
Now at this point did the bold Cee Dubya make an offer to buy Kee Wee’s cottage, for a few thousand or even a few hundred ? That’s a lot for a house with no access and no drains, who knows, readers. The characters are of course fictional as is the entire tale, so we will never know.
Ah, but behind the scenes the Crofters Commission are involved in this sad saga ( with all the harrassment from Wig & Cee Dubya Red had transferred his tenancy rights to Kee Wee) and they confirm the tenancy of the Wig/Cee Dubya croft to the not so dopy Kee Wee. This of course gives him the right to buy the wee bit land and old Red’s house with it.
Now Cee Dubya, being a QC of some repute, gets the Land Court involved. He takes off the boiler suit, gets out the Court suit and taking his man Wig by the hand, off they go to harass the Land Court and tell just a few porkies (nothing to do with e’ PEEG, more of her later.)
Ah, but the quiet Kee Wee has an ace to play, his legal eagle called Finla by some, is just about off the legs, but he has the measure of the bold Cee Dubya and wipes the floor with him. Of course the Land Court mannies have heard all the bluster on many occasions before and they know Cee Dubya‘s moves. They uphold the Crofters Commission ruling and the Kee Wee fellow has his croft. (it was his all along had he but known).
So the Kee Wee fellow pays Wig for the croft, the Wig/Cee Dubya partnership have won a £few hundred for the croft along with a couple of thousand slates and you would think they should go back to their corner and look for another fiddle or bit land to win . But no, my readers, Crofters Commission, Land Court and God almighty against them, they scheme on, and steal a few fences at the same time, just to keep their hand in for future land grabs.
Now I know I am trying your patience so enter E’ PEEG and the sordid tale gets a bit more up to date.
Whilst all this palaver is going on Cee Dubya says to Wig one day, “now Wig old chap, I have this peeg across e rod that’s doing nothing so maybe we should move her intil Kee Wee’s garden“, possession being all of the law in Cee Dubya’s eyes. Now Wig thinks that is a wizard wheeze and the peeg, who is called Vi, is duly moved. Who knows if she had her Department Movement Certificate clutched in her wee trotter or not ?.
So e’ unfortunate Vi lives a sad and forlorn life in e’ Kee Wee mannie’s garden, getting fed now and again, if she was lucky.
As I said before e’ Kee Wee mannie is a bit slow and accepts e’ peeg as a lodger for many years but then the ‘tail’ takes a twist.
E Peeg dies in mysterious circumstances.
You can end the ‘tail’ in many ways, my readers. Theories are many, my favourite of course being that the soft Kee Wee finally had enough of the pig whatdecallit all over his garden and called in a hit man from Glasgow to get rid of poor Vi because the cratur certainly needed to go to a better place. Now readers, you will all know that if you call in a hitman to do the deed then you have to kill the hitman, in case he tries to extort money or a croft from you. Or even tell e’ polis. So we will never know about that one, readers. The hitman has disappeared, e’ peeg will never speak again, and the Kee Wee fellow is saying nothing. Now this is my own favourite ending, readers. BUT would you not think that if Kee Wee had paid the hitman to ice e’ peeg he would have given him an extra £5 to get rid of the two scallywags trying to steal his croft ?. So maybe my pet theory is just pork pie in the sky, or maybe e‘ hitman missed ?. Who knows ?.
Now there is another possible end to the ‘tail‘. It goes kind of like this. E’ bold Cee Dubya and his man Wig think e’ peeg is like an old LandRover waiting for a new identity and you can leave it unattended for years, then a new chassis and body, a couple of pop rivets on the vin plate, and away she goes.
But peegs, being living creatures need attention, medical help now and again, even food & water. If they don’t get these things they might eventually up and die one day. If the sad cratur dies on someone else’s croft so much the better. As they say in Week, fit ever wey or no, Wig & Cee Dubya are on a winner as they were nowhere near e ’ peeg when she passed away so only the bad KeeWee could have dunnit. So that’s theory two, readers, e peeg died o’ sheer neglect and big Aud (that’s not her real name of course), is on the case.
Now the third and my last printable theory about the demise of this sad creature. Picture a scene, my readers, where a whole community of animal loving wifies knows that e peeg is neglected and but a pawn in the Cee Dubya/Wig treacherous game. Its keeper, Wig, is a busy man and he can’t be expected to feed her. Her owner, the bold Cee Dubya, is a man of great substance, with several boiler suits and a flashy court suit as well besides, so whats a dead peeg to him ?.
So hundreds and hundreds of wifies in this fictional village feed e’ peeg with whatever scraps and slops they have. And Vi, being a peeg, gobbles it all down. And that is poor Vi’s final sad mistake.
Vi ate and ate until she could not move from her wet, forlorn & muddy corner. Then enter the animal loving Kee Wee to his garden one day, sees e unfortunate peeg in great distress, and with nobody else giving a damn, calls in a local professional hit person, probably a surgeon of some kind, who puts the unfortunate Vi out of her undoubted misery.
And so ends the mysterious story of Vi, e’ peeg, and we shall never know the true ending to this sorry ‘tail‘.
Now this sad and fictional story is so outlandish that it could never happen in a civilised community, or could it ?
Will another peeg fly into Kee Wee’s garden, will Cee Dubya and his man Wig huff and puff and blow his house down , will the fictional community rise up and tar and feather Wig & Cee Dubya and run them out of town - Wild West style, for they surely deserve nothing less ?.
Will an unelectable would-be Hall Committee Chairman use e’ peeg’s demise and a few porkies till e’Groat to stab poor Kee Wee in e’ back ?
So many theories and so little time to think of more.
Bystander
18 October 2013
Originally Posted by mi16
I love it!
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