For Peter Kay lovers!! One liners!

[DarkAngel]

I got this sent to me in a Email a few weeks ago..I hope it doesnt offend anyone, Its quite funny if you like Peter Kay!
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
> > I said Thyroid problem?'
> >
> > 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
> bike. Then I
> > realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
> one and asked
> > him to forgive me.
> >
> > 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get
> my wife to
> > go swimming.
> >
> > 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
> > I don't get on with my real ladder.
> >
> > 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I

> > ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> >
> > 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
Bypass.
> > Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

> >
> > 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
> different names.
> > But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may

> > break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
> > there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
> >
> > 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which
> is probably
> > why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> >
> > 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good
> partner, you
> > better have a good hand.
> >
> > 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
> My neighbour
> > Said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
> >
> > 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
> made out
> > of meat?
> >
> > 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous

> > and give the wrong answers.
> >
> > 13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me
neither.
> >
> > 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from

> > things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> >
> > 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> >
> > 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same
> time. I think
> > I've forgotten this before
> >
> > PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
> >
> > 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> >
> > 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> >
> > 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when

> > your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
> stranger.
> >
> > 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> >
> > 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or
> not to have
> > a fire in your back garden.
> >
> > 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> >
> > 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> >
> > 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> >
> > 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would
> kill you at
> > the first given opportunity.
> >
> > 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
> flushed half way
> > through and then raced against the flush.
> >
> > 11) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> >
> > 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> >
> > 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> >
> > 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> >
> > 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
> who has had
> > their arm broken by a swan.
> >
> > 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a
> thin piece of
> > wood specifically to stir paint with.
> >
> > 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
> putting it
> > in a fruit salad.
> >
> > SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
> >
> > 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
> undressed?
> >
> > 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the
> way down to
> > the core of the earth?
> >
> > 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >
> > 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

> >
> > 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
> thing you do
> > is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am ...

[footie chick]

Brilliant brightened up my day that did

[DarkAngel]

Oh well glad it did that Footie Chick

[Liz]

Thanks for the laugh!

I love Peter Kays sense of humour!