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Thread: For Peter Kay lovers!! One liners!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Wick
    Posts
    628

    Default For Peter Kay lovers!! One liners!

    I got this sent to me in a Email a few weeks ago..I hope it doesnt offend anyone, Its quite funny if you like Peter Kay!
    1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
    > > I said Thyroid problem?'
    > >
    > > 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
    > bike. Then I
    > > realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
    > one and asked
    > > him to forgive me.
    > >
    > > 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get
    > my wife to
    > > go swimming.
    > >
    > > 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
    > > I don't get on with my real ladder.
    > >
    > > 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I

    > > ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
    > >
    > > 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
    Bypass.
    > > Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

    > >
    > > 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
    > different names.
    > > But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may

    > > break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
    > > there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
    > >
    > > 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which
    > is probably
    > > why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
    > >
    > > 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good
    > partner, you
    > > better have a good hand.
    > >
    > > 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
    > My neighbour
    > > Said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
    > >
    > > 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
    > made out
    > > of meat?
    > >
    > > 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous

    > > and give the wrong answers.
    > >
    > > 13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me
    neither.
    > >
    > > 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from

    > > things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
    > >
    > > 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
    > >
    > > 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same
    > time. I think
    > > I've forgotten this before
    > >
    > > PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
    > >
    > > 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
    > >
    > > 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
    > >
    > > 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when

    > > your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
    > stranger.
    > >
    > > 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
    > >
    > > 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or
    > not to have
    > > a fire in your back garden.
    > >
    > > 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
    > >
    > > 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
    > >
    > > 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
    > >
    > > 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would
    > kill you at
    > > the first given opportunity.
    > >
    > > 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
    > flushed half way
    > > through and then raced against the flush.
    > >
    > > 11) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
    > >
    > > 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
    > >
    > > 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
    > >
    > > 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
    > >
    > > 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
    > who has had
    > > their arm broken by a swan.
    > >
    > > 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a
    > thin piece of
    > > wood specifically to stir paint with.
    > >
    > > 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
    > putting it
    > > in a fruit salad.
    > >
    > > SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
    > >
    > > 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
    > undressed?
    > >
    > > 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the
    > way down to
    > > the core of the earth?
    > >
    > > 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
    > >
    > > 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

    > >
    > > 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
    > thing you do
    > > is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am ...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Toffee Land
    Posts
    1,074

    Default

    Brilliant brightened up my day that did
    Nil Satis Nisi Optimum.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Wick
    Posts
    628

    Default

    Oh well glad it did that Footie Chick

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    7,069

    Default Very good!

    Thanks for the laugh!

    I love Peter Kays sense of humour!

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