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Thread: A few jokes

  1. #1
    paigetheoracle Guest

    Default A few jokes

    'Why are shooting at my feet marshall?'
    'I like to see scum dancing, Jake'

    'Well Cilla I hope you liked our truck fest'
    'Yes I did - worra lorra, lorra lorries, Laurie!'

    What do most people not like to see on their toast?
    Middle age spread

    Frankenstein is a man after my own heart.

    Just before Peter Sellars died, he was bitten on the neck by a vampire. Professor Van Helsing, hearing of this, rushed to his graveside and prised open the lid of the coffin. Suddenly a voice piped up from inside-
    'Is that you Spike?'
    'Well sort of'
    Thud!

    Why is a dead film star like a frozen salmon?
    Because they're both rock hard, son.

    'Before we shoot you as a German spy do you mind if we cover you with perfume as you smell horrible, since we found you in that pig sty?'
    'Yes, you British dog! You can lead Horst to slaughter but you cannot make him stink!'

    'You ungrateful swine, I fought to world wars for you!'
    'Yes and you lost them both Heinrich'

    'Is it snowing outside Himmler?'.
    'No, it's hail Hitler'.

    When I said deck the halls dave, I meant put up the trimmings, not flatten MR and Mrs Hall!

    I'm not fat, just big for my age (96)

    I used to look like Arnie Schwartzeneggar because I had a six pack and drank beer out of a barrel. Now I've got a beer barrel gut like Homer Simpson and drink six packs instead

    Just because my name is Matt, doesn't mean you can walk all over me.

    Rolf Harris was asked what he thought was the best thing about his portait of the queen? He said he didn't really know and he hummed and he ha'd, and he hummed and he ha'd.

    What have I told you about smoking fish Donald? Not while at work, now stub it out and get on with your job.

    When I said give Jimmy Johnson both barrels, I meant the beer he'd ordered - not shoot him you fool!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    1,655

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by paigetheoracle View Post
    'Why are shooting at my feet marshall?'
    'I like to see scum dancing, Jake'

    'Well Cilla I hope you liked our truck fest'
    'Yes I did - worra lorra, lorra lorries, Laurie!'

    What do most people not like to see on their toast?
    Middle age spread

    Frankenstein is a man after my own heart.

    Just before Peter Sellars died, he was bitten on the neck by a vampire. Professor Van Helsing, hearing of this, rushed to his graveside and prised open the lid of the coffin. Suddenly a voice piped up from inside-
    'Is that you Spike?'
    'Well sort of'
    Thud!

    Why is a dead film star like a frozen salmon?
    Because they're both rock hard, son.

    'Before we shoot you as a German spy do you mind if we cover you with perfume as you smell horrible, since we found you in that pig sty?'
    'Yes, you British dog! You can lead Horst to slaughter but you cannot make him stink!'

    'You ungrateful swine, I fought to world wars for you!'
    'Yes and you lost them both Heinrich'

    'Is it snowing outside Himmler?'.
    'No, it's hail Hitler'.

    When I said deck the halls dave, I meant put up the trimmings, not flatten MR and Mrs Hall!

    I'm not fat, just big for my age (96)

    I used to look like Arnie Schwartzeneggar because I had a six pack and drank beer out of a barrel. Now I've got a beer barrel gut like Homer Simpson and drink six packs instead

    Just because my name is Matt, doesn't mean you can walk all over me.

    Rolf Harris was asked what he thought was the best thing about his portait of the queen? He said he didn't really know and he hummed and he ha'd, and he hummed and he ha'd.

    What have I told you about smoking fish Donald? Not while at work, now stub it out and get on with your job.

    When I said give Jimmy Johnson both barrels, I meant the beer he'd ordered - not shoot him you fool!
    Get your coat

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Thurso
    Posts
    130

    Thumbs up Long time locked up

    A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15years.
    He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

    Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
    While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict
    gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

    "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."
    "If he wants to make love, don't resist, don't complain... Do whatever he tells you.
    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
    This guy is obviously very dangerous.
    If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
    Be strong, honey. I love you!"

    His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear."
    "He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.


    Be strong honey. I love you too."
    Don't worry about it ! Life is too short !!

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