'Why are shooting at my feet marshall?'
'I like to see scum dancing, Jake'

'Well Cilla I hope you liked our truck fest'
'Yes I did - worra lorra, lorra lorries, Laurie!'

What do most people not like to see on their toast?
Middle age spread

Frankenstein is a man after my own heart.

Just before Peter Sellars died, he was bitten on the neck by a vampire. Professor Van Helsing, hearing of this, rushed to his graveside and prised open the lid of the coffin. Suddenly a voice piped up from inside-
'Is that you Spike?'
'Well sort of'
Thud!

Why is a dead film star like a frozen salmon?
Because they're both rock hard, son.

'Before we shoot you as a German spy do you mind if we cover you with perfume as you smell horrible, since we found you in that pig sty?'
'Yes, you British dog! You can lead Horst to slaughter but you cannot make him stink!'

'You ungrateful swine, I fought to world wars for you!'
'Yes and you lost them both Heinrich'

'Is it snowing outside Himmler?'.
'No, it's hail Hitler'.

When I said deck the halls dave, I meant put up the trimmings, not flatten MR and Mrs Hall!

I'm not fat, just big for my age (96)

I used to look like Arnie Schwartzeneggar because I had a six pack and drank beer out of a barrel. Now I've got a beer barrel gut like Homer Simpson and drink six packs instead

Just because my name is Matt, doesn't mean you can walk all over me.

Rolf Harris was asked what he thought was the best thing about his portait of the queen? He said he didn't really know and he hummed and he ha'd, and he hummed and he ha'd.

What have I told you about smoking fish Donald? Not while at work, now stub it out and get on with your job.

When I said give Jimmy Johnson both barrels, I meant the beer he'd ordered - not shoot him you fool!