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Thread: never mind the weather, here's the friday morning chuckle

  1. #1

    Default never mind the weather, here's the friday morning chuckle

    Wee Billy fae Glesga



    Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool.

    His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

    Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

    Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

    One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone?


    Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.

    When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy look off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

    "There y'are! It clearly says ....






















    Taiwan !!!!!
    beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!

  2. #2
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    Pyooor dead brwwiyannt an aw rat so ih iz

  3. #3
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    OAP lovin'
    An 65-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
    doctor gave the man a jar and said,"Take this jar home and bring back a
    semen sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 65-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
    gave him the jar which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well doc, it's
    like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
    my left
    hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
    right hand, then her left and still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first
    with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

    We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first
    with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
    her knees, but still nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied,

    "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."





  4. #4

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    ....That put a huge stupid smile on my face........my customers today are gonna think I've gone nuts!

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    Doing the Dishes
    Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
    Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
    "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
    Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
    But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
    Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FLAMING DISHES"



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    Good ones willowbankbear

  7. #7
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    An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

    A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbour about how much the class helped him.

    "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbour.

    "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

    "A rose?" asked the neighbour.

    "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

  8. #8
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by willowbankbear View Post
    Doing the Dishes
    Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
    Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
    "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
    Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
    But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
    Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FLAMING DISHES"


    hahahaha nice one

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    Jack and Jill were getting married.

    Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mum and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

    "I can't wear these," she said.

    "Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

    "I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

    He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

    "Put these on," he said.

    Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

    "Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

    Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

    "I can't get in to these," he said.

    "Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

  10. #10
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    A man walked into the ladies department of a Mackay's and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

    What type of bra?" asked the sales assistant.

    "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

    "Look around," said the sales assistant, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

    "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the sales assistant.

    Confused, the man asked what the types were.

    The sales assistant replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

    Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

    The sales assistant responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

  11. #11
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    One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

    "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

    The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

    The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

    The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

    The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

    The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

    Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

    Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.

    And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

    Now the father was really starting to worry.

    He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

    When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

    She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Agreement with God!

    An 85 year old mannie goes to see his local GP for his yearly medical, and impressed, the GP says “well for a 85 year old, you are in fantastic condition, blood counts good, cholesterol is low, you’ve got a body of a 55 year old”.

    Well impressed to old mannie agrees with the Doctor.

    The Doctor, taking into consideration the possibilities of Alzheimer’s in the older generation asks the mannie how’s his mental health.

    The old mannie replies by saying "Just Great, I have an agreement with God”.

    "An agreement with God! What do you mean and agreement with God?" says the Doctor.

    The old mannie says that due to his age, when he has to get up during the night for a pee, God turns the light on for him, and when he goes back to bed, God turns it off again.

    The GP sends the old mannie back into the waiting room and asks his wife to come in so he can give her the results.

    "Well " he says to the wife, "I’m very impressed with your husbands health as he has very low cholesterol levels, excellent blood count, and has the body of a 55 year old".

    She agrees that he is very fit for his age, and he’s always chasing her round the house.

    The GP then says, “but I’m a little bit concerned about his mental health

    His mental health”, says the wife. "Yes his mental health says the Doctor, he says he’s got an agreement with God".

    He’s got an agreement with God! exclaim’s the wife. "Yes says the GP, he says that when he gets up during the night to go for a pee, God puts the light on for him, and when he goes back to bed, God turns the light off again".

    Flipping heck! The wife says, he’s peeing in the flipping fridge again!
    Culicoides_Impunctatus@hotmail.com

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    Talking

    Speeding.....


    A middle-aged man bought a brand new sports car. He took off down the
    road, pushed it up to 130mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through
    his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an
    even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there
    was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from
    him with no problem," thought the man and he floored it some more, and
    flew down the road at over 170mph to escape being stopped. Then he
    thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing"
    and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car
    to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind his car and walked
    up on the driver's side.
    "Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you
    can give me a good reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard
    before, I'll let you go."
    The man looked back at the policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran
    off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
    The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

  14. #14
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    A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

    Man: What's the problem officer?

    Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

    Man: No sir, I was going 65.

    Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

    Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

    Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

    Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

    Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

    Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

    Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

    Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

    Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

    Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

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    A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

    Just look at our cars.

    There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

    This must be a sign from God!"

    Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

    The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

    This must surely be a sign from God!"

    The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

    Here's another miracle!

    My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

    Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

    The priest nods in agreement.

    The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

    The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

    The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

    The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

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    a man was meeting his fiancees family for the first time. when he arrived at the house the family ( including his fiancee) were all out except his finacce's incredilby hot younger sister. the younger sister flirted with him for a good hour before saying " i want you. i'll be upstairs in my bedroom if you feel the same. i'll be waiting"

    . after she went upstairs the man walked out the hosue and headed sraight for his car only to find the family all standing outside the house. the father came up to him and said " that was a little test to see i could trust you, welcome to the family"

    the moto of this story people.................?



    : always keep your condoms in your car

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    Uncle Paul
    Daddy Calling Home
    ((RING))))
    ((RING))))

    **Pick Up**

    "Hello?"

    "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

    "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

    "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

    ** Brief Pause**

    "Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

    "Okay Daddy, just a minute"

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

    "I did it Daddy"

    "And what happened honey?" he asked

    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

    "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

    **Long Pause***

    ***Longer Pause**

    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??
    __________________

  18. #18

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    these are great.. lmao.. x
    WoRdS ShOuLd Be SiMpLe An VoIcEs SoFt !!!

  19. #19
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    Willowbankbear, yer uncle paul joke is a cracker.

  20. #20
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    Default Just to tie in with Kingetters hash cafe

    The Koala and the Lizard
    A lizard is walking through the woods one day and sees a Koala up a tree, so he says to the Koala "What are you doing up there"?

    The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

    So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

    After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

    But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

    A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

    The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

    The koala peers down from the tree and says.......Whhooooooooaaaaa man...how much water did you drink!!!

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