A wee Saturday joke.

[angela5]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Liz]

Good one!!!!

[peedie man]

nothing like a good laugh to start the day

[angela5]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"

[angela5]

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand pounds for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

[scaraben]

O'Flackerty & O'Flanigan set off for Dublin with their pony and trap to do a bit of shopping. When they arrived they tied the pony to a pole outside a local pub. On their return they saw that someone had painted the poor Pony green. "Who painted me pony green" ? said O'Flacherty. "Must be one o'they in the pub said his friend. So he went storming into the pub and demanded in an angry voice "Who painted me pony green" ? I DID, SAID A HUGE STEVADOR leaning at the bar. "Ah OK said O'Flacherty in a shakey voice, then the first coat's day"

[dunderheed]

4 questions feared by men:

1) What are you thinking about?
2) Do you love me?
3) Do I look fat?
4) Do you think she’s prettier


Question 1: what are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this is “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you.”

The true answer is likely to be one of the following:

a) Football
b) Nothing
c) How fat you are
d) How much prettier she is than you.
e) How would I spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 2;Do you love me?
The proper answer should be YES!

Inappropriate responses include:

a) Oh yeah jobby (clean version!!) loads
b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c) That depends what you mean by love
d) Does it matter?
e) Who me??

Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer here is an emphatic “Of course not!”

Incorrect answers include:

a) Compared to what?
b) I wouldn’t call you fat but you’re not exactly thin
c) A little extra weight looks good on you.
d) I’ve seen fatter


Question 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
The proper response should be again an emphatic “Of course not!”

Incorrect answers are:
a) Yes but you have a better personality
b) Not prettier but definitely thinner
c) Not as pretty as you were at her age
d) Define pretty

[angela5]

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

[angela5]

Men are like... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.


Men are like... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.


Men are like... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

[angela5]

What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

[martin macdonald]

a young lad asks the lady at the cafe counter...."can i have an orange juice please". "is that still orange" she replied." O YES " said the lad "ive not changed my mind yet"

[angela5]

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years".

[angela5]

A husband and wife were disagreeing with each other and the silent treatment was under way! The silence continued, when a week later the husband needed to get up at 5am to catch a business flight. His alarm clock wasn't working, and he grudgingly realized that he needed his wife to wake him up.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote down on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 5 tomorrow morning so I can catch my flight," and put it on her pillow before she came to bed.

The next morning he awoke to find that it was 9am, he heard his wife in the kitchen, and he had missed his flight. He noticed a note on his pillow, "It's 5am... Wake up!"

[dunderheed]

little jonny



Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family
was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking
of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,
"coz he'd be goosed if he needed glasses."

[scaraben]

Mr X went to the Doctor "Doctor" he says "I've a sore back...got anything for a sore back" ? "take these powders twice a day" says the Doc. A few days later Mr X is back in the surgery "Doctor have you anything to cure a sore toe" ? "Ah" says the Doc. just rub this on it and it will be OK" Later that week Mr X returns "Doctor I have an awful sore stomach, have you anything for a sore stomach" ? " Take this mixture three times a day and that should cure it" says the Doc. The following week the Doctor died and was laid to rest & two days later Mr X died and was burried next to him. The Doctor lay in peace until he heard a thumping sound coming from the next grave and a pitiful voice was saying "Hey Doc. have you anything for worms" !!!