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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Default The Joke Thread

    This came from Canada
    (Weed never allow it up here ;-) )


    Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
    forthcoming wedding.

    "Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized
    already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,
    the minister, even ma stag night...

    Archie nods approvingly.

    "Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

    "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

    "And what's the tartan?"

    "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
    NEWS-FLASH - Coudroy Pillows are making headlines!

  2. #2
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    Default

    Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

    His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

    "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

    "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

    Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

    Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

    "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
    NEWS-FLASH - Coudroy Pillows are making headlines!

  3. #3
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    Talking

    Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head butted to death in a french apartment.


    Apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor ...
    NEWS-FLASH - Coudroy Pillows are making headlines!

  4. #4
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    Default

    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
    The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
    The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
    The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

  5. #5
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    Default

    A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
    Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager 50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cant play.
    A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his 50.
    Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
    This guy pays his 50.
    Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
    "Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? Im going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off

  6. #6

    Default Joke thread

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
    earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
    concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife
    replied, "in-laws."

  7. #7
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    Understand My Needs
    Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

    But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

    The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

    The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

    So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We 'll take all three of them". Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

    And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

    The husband says "you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

    The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

    The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. I just wanted you to hold it for a while". The wife face goes blank, and she is about to explode.
    When the husband sees that he says:
    "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!".

  8. #8
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    Default

    There was this poor bloke lying in hospital with 60% burns.

    Doctor says to the nurse "I prescribe him 2 Viagara pills"

    Nurse asks the Doctor` Do you think that`ll help him Doctor?`

    Doctor replies" No , but it will keep the sheets off his legs!!"

  9. #9
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    A fart can be quiet,
    A fart can be loud,
    Some leave a powerful,
    Poisonous cloud.

    A fart can be short,
    Or a fart can be long,
    Some farts have been known,
    To sound just like a song.

    Some farts do not smell,
    While others are vile,
    A fart may pass quickly,
    Or linger awhile.

    A fart can create
    A most-curious medley,
    A fart can be harmless,
    Or silent, but deadly.

    A fart can occur
    In a number of places,
    And leave everyone
    With strange looks on their faces.

    From wide-open prairies,
    To small elevators,
    A fart will find all of us
    Sooner or later.

    So be not afraid
    Of the invisible gas,
    For always remember,
    That farts, too, shall pass

  10. #10
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    MORNING WIND


    There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
    The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
    The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
    While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
    Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
    The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
    "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
    But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

  11. #11
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    The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
    Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
    The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
    To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely filled my pants,".

  12. #12

    Default

    Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a
    man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large
    shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo,
    struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
    The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
    man,
    but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
    At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops
    sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
    into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and
    pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
    death.
    They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along
    with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
    frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
    On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said,
    "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England
    team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England
    team
    are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other
    countries."
    She knighted them and sailed away.
    As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
    "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
    knows everything about our country."
    "Well," Rooney replied, "she knows nowt about shark fishing. How's the
    bait holding up ?"

  13. #13

    Default

    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

    Keep scrolling down to unveil the
    Suspense.....................















    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're
    not a monk.
    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
    The monks gain accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
    The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
    If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
    The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.





    The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
    The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk.
    We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.
    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.


    He says, Real funny. May I have the key?
    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
    The man demands the key to the stone door.
    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gonethrough doors of emerald,...........silver, topaz, and amethyst.

    Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door. The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.


    keep scrolling down.............



























































    But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


    I know, I know you now just want to kick my heed in for wasting 2
    minutes of your life, and I will let you if you find me, ......................... as long as you are a fellow monk

  14. #14
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    Default

    Marriage Made In Heaven A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
    St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
    Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
    He says, "I'm still working on it."
    Two years pass by and no marriage.
    St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
    Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
    The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
    "Can you arrange it for us?" they ask. St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

  15. #15
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    Default poetry in motion

    I do declare there is some art
    In making you, the perfect fart,
    It ain't no easy matter, Mum,
    To push this air from out my bum
    In such a way that I may pass
    Enchanting music out my ass.

  16. #16
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    Default

    A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.




    "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.


    "Actually, no," he replied.


    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.


    "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"



    "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her


    fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.


    "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.


    "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"


  17. #17
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    This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
    The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
    She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
    "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?" "I don't like her."

  18. #18
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    Why Cats Are Better Than Men


    A CAT always hits the litterbox.

    Better chance of training a CAT.

    No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
    You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.

    If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.

    A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.

    You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
    It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.

    You don't have to worry about your CAT turning into a pig when you host a party.

    A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.

    If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

  19. #19
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    Default

    A Scotsman,an Irishman and an Englishman are on the Quiz show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

    The Irishman reaches the 250,000 question,gets it wrong...he's oot!!!!!

    The Englishman reaches the 500,000 question,gets it wrong....he's oot!!!!

    The Scotsman reaches the 1,000,000 question."Where are the Andes?",he gets it wrong... he's oot!!!!

    What wis his answer?
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  20. #20
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    Smile

    at the end o' yur airms?
    Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.

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