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Thread: lets lift the mood a little

  1. #1

    Default lets lift the mood a little

    Be careful what you wish for...



    A man left work one Friday afternoon.
    But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
    "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"


    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.


    Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
    beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    1,655

    Default

    Good one sir

  3. #3

    Default

    Drive-Thru cash machines



    We at the Bank of Scotland have recently introduced new "Drive-Thru" cash machines on several of our major routes.

    However it has become nescessary to introduce a step by step guide to using them, mainly for the benefit of the many customers (often female) who have been having difficulty so far.



    1) Approach cash machine, keeping in mind that the cars in front of you are almost certainly using the facility also, and are therefore prone to be stopping in order to do so

    2) When you arrive at the cash machine, stop and reverse around 2 yards so that you can reach the machine

    3) Insert card into the slot with the flashing green light below it

    4) The machine will spit the card back out at you, remove it and re-insert it the other way around

    5) Carry out your desired transaction, and move off carefully

    6) Several seconds later, you will have to stop, however DO NOT reverse as the following customer will have taken your place at the machine. Instead, pull over, taking care you havent completely blocked a single track throughfare, and walk gingerly back to the machine to collect your card, hoping the following car was not full of neds.

    7) On returning to your car, take your phone out of your pocket and phone the number on your tax disc, informing whoever answers your call that your keys are still in the ignition and you have locked the door behind you.

    8) Once back in the car, check your mirrors, signal, and move off

    9) Around 2 miles down the road, you will begin to notice a loud squealing sound, and also that the car does not seem as surefooted as usual. Release your handbrake.

    10) Enjoy the rest of your day, you have succesfully used our service



    apologies for the sexism, no offence intended!!
    beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Out of Caithness... sadly
    Posts
    2,773

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by dunderheed
    Drive-Thru cash machines

    apologies for the sexism, no offence intended!!
    Get away with you, Dunderheed. Of course there was...
    "Step sideways, pause and study those around you. You will learn a great deal."

  5. #5

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by dunderheed
    Be careful what you wish for...



    A man left work one Friday afternoon.
    But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
    "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"


    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.


    Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
    very funny lol i like that joke
    I'm not stupid just mentally challenged

  6. #6

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ricco
    Get away with you, Dunderheed. Of course there was...
    just to show there wasn't here's some for the ladies

    Male Jokes



    For the males (and females who can have a laugh at males!)

    Apologies if they've been posted before...

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
    them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men fart more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to
    build up the required pressure.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
    yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
    a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Women will never be equal to men until they can
    walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
    gut, and still think they are sexy.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
    beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!

  7. #7

    Default

    teehee thats even funnyer than the last one
    I'm not stupid just mentally challenged

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Wicktopia
    Posts
    541

    Default

    More laughter from me. Thanks, dunderheed!
    The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea. ~Isak Dinesen

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Posts
    591

    Default

    Brilliant. Oh but it is good to have a laugh!

  10. #10

    Default

    thanks folks , i'm just trying to make up for last weeks wee storm in the Dcup if you know what i mean without making a mountain out of a mole hill
    beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!

  11. #11

    Default

    keep up the good work heehee
    I'm not stupid just mentally challenged

  12. #12

    Default

    A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''

    The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.'' The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

    So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

    ''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

    ''Yes, you are, that was the barbi you ate''
    beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!

  13. #13

    Default

    teehee they just get better and better
    I'm not stupid just mentally challenged

  14. #14

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by dunderheed
    Be careful what you wish for...



    A man left work one Friday afternoon.
    But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
    "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"


    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.


    Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
    Brilliant

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    1,655

    Cool

    The 3rd Affair
    A mortician was working late one night.
    He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated
    and made a startling discovery.
    Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
    "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I
    can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It

    be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his
    briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't
    believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
    "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    1,655

    Default

    >The 4th Affair
    >A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening
    >the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
    >She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
    >"Don't move until I tell you", she said, " pretend you're a statue."
    >"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
    >"Oh it's a statue," she replied,"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
    >so I got one for us, too."
    >No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
    >Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
    >with a sandwich and a beer.
    >"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
    >I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered
    >me a damned thing."
    >

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    1,655

    Cool

    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
    your vehicle...


    From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
    couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
    down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
    shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.


    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
    closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
    chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
    private parts into glaringly public ones.


    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
    quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
    place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
    herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


    The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    1,655

    Default

    Whats the difference between a councillor(thurso area,Bill) & a battery?
    A battery has a positive side!

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Out of Caithness... sadly
    Posts
    2,773

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Stone Roses
    Whats the difference between a councillor(thurso area,Bill) & a battery?
    A battery has a positive side!
    Very good! Luv it.
    "Step sideways, pause and study those around you. You will learn a great deal."

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    La-la Land
    Posts
    2,576

    Default

    A man from Wick went out one night drinking with his mates, stayed out very late, and got very drunk. He woke up the next morning with a horrible hangover. He went to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face, and discovered on looking in the mirror he also had two black eyes. He went down to the kitchen, expecting to be told off for being in such a state, but his wife said nothing, set a nice breakfast in front of him, and poured him a cup of tea. This made him feel terribly guilty, so he said to his wife "I really must apologise to you my dear, coming home late in such a drunken state, and with these two black eyes." The wife replied "No need to apologise. You didn't have those when you got home".

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