It's much better being a woman.

[Billy Boy]

5 Secrets To A Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[angela5]

God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out.

God knew if the world were to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

As the Bible says, it is not good for man to be alone!

When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

[Astra]

5 Secrets To A Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

nice one if only that easy

[Billy Boy]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[angela5]

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

[angela5]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[George Brims]

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public bathroom.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

[George Brims]

The Washington Post's yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly .

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

[Billy Boy]

Funny Gender Jokes - 15 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women

1) A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
2) When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer.
3) A beer won't get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
4) You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
5) If you pour a beer just right you'll always get good head.
6) Hangovers go away.
7) When you are finished with a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
8) You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
9) A beer always goes down easy.
10) You can share a beer with your friends.
11) Beer is always wet.
12) You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
13) A frigid beer, is a good beer.
14) You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
15) You can enjoy a beer all month long.

[angela5]

if woman ruled the world.

[Billy Boy]

nice pic lol,

[Billy Boy]

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What’s wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!