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Thread: Joke

  1. #41
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    Default Seventeenth chapter

    A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

    "Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

    The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

    About half the class rose and came forward.

    "The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

  2. #42
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    Default

    Finding perfect men

    At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

    "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

    An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

  3. #43
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    Default Did ye hear about the blonde that.....

    Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".

    Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

    When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

    Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

    After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

  4. #44
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    Default Return the dog.

    Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

    They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

    The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

    They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try.

    We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

  5. #45
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    Default

    Wife isn't in the car

    On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

    To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

  6. #46
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    Default her age

    Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

    After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

    Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

    "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

    "Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

    "I haven't added them up yet."

  7. #47
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    Default

    Two guys were out fishing on Loch Watten.Suddenly one of their false teeth fell out and fell to the bottom of the loch.

    "Oh man,£200 it cost me for those teeth."

    The guys pal felt sorry for him.So he took out his own false teeth that cost him £300.He caught a fish and turned to his pal and said,

    "Look this fish has your false teeth in its mouth."

    The first guy is over the moon.Looks at the teeth and says,

    "Och their not mine"

    And chucks them into the loch.
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  8. #48
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    Default

    Good one Cedric..
    Last edited by angela5; 13-May-06 at 23:16.

  9. #49
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    Default Got any grapes

    A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

    Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

    The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

    Confused, the bartenders says no.

    ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

  10. #50
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    Default

    ......excellanto angela
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  11. #51
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    Default

    Two nuns are blethering and one turns to the other and says,

    "I used to be really into religion that it almost became an addiction."

    The other nun says,"So what happened?"

    The nun says,"I managed to kick the habit!!!!!"
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  12. #52
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    Default A good nights sleep

    By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

  13. #53
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    Default Little johnny and the bus driver

    Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.

    The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, "Doog moaning buth driber,"

    The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.

    This goes on for four days.
    Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, "Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith."

    His father says, "Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you."

    The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, "Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite."

    Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.

    His father says, "Go on Johnny."

    So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, "Doog moaning buth driber."

    With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.

    He asks, "Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?"

    The bus driver says, "Betause heeth making fun of me"

  14. #54
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by angela5
    Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.

    The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, "Doog moaning buth driber,"

    The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.

    This goes on for four days.
    Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, "Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith."

    His father says, "Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you."

    The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, "Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite."

    Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.

    His father says, "Go on Johnny."

    So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, "Doog moaning buth driber."

    With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.

    He asks, "Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?"

    The bus driver says, "Betause heeth making fun of me"
    were they both from the glebe??

  15. #55
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    Default Insulted on a bus

    A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

    In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

    The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

    "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

    The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

    You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

    "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

  16. #56
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    Default Smart dog

    A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter
    "My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee,"

    "I know," says the second owner.
    "How do you Know?"
    "My dog told me."

  17. #57
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    round the bend
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    Default

    When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
    IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
    AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
    AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
    AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

    IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

    IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
    AT WORK........You have to share.

    IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

    IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
    AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
    AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
    AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

    IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
    AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

    NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
    The man who views the world at fifty,
    the same as he did at twenty,
    has wasted thirty years of his life.

  18. #58
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    Default

    A group o' joiners were trying to build a shed in an old womans garden.Only problem was that there was this big muckle tree stuck in the middle o' it.

    So one o' them gets a chainsaw and starts sawing at the tree......he slips....the chainsaw cuts off his right ear.

    All the guys in panic look around to find the ear.One of them,holding a bloody ear says,"Is this it?"

    The injured joiner says,"Naw,mine had a pencil behind it."
    Their coming to take me away.....haha-hee-hee-ho-ho

  19. #59
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    Mar 2006
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    Default

    A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

    She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

  20. #60
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    Default Respectfully cheating

    Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

    "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

    "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

    "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

    "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

    "Three? When were they?"

    "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

    "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

    "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

    "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

    "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

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