has anyone got a good joke . ill start
knock knock
whos there
boo
boo who
what you crying about i got cake and ice cream down here!!!!!!
beat that*:lol::lol:
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has anyone got a good joke . ill start
knock knock
whos there
boo
boo who
what you crying about i got cake and ice cream down here!!!!!!
beat that*:lol::lol:
there was a big tall man at a bar
and a little small man comes in
he says i wouldnt mind some of that
after a few pints the small man says "can i have some of that"
the tall man says yeah sure and hands him some bar peanuts
good aint it[lol][lol]
What were you thinkingQuote:
Originally Posted by Funky_Foal
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Madam
Madam who?
Madam foots stuck in the door.
ha ha where did you get that one?Quote:
Originally Posted by Cedric
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funky_Foal
that is complete and utter tripe
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaScout
well your one isnt that good either!!!!!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hufta
Hufta who?
Hufta pee,can I use your toilet.
How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather be in the darkness.:lol:
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to hold the bulb against the socket, and the other to smoke up until the room starts spinning.:lol:
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. after a few more he needs the toilet. he doesnt want anyone to steal his beer so he puts up a sign saying "I spat in this beer do not drink". a few minutes later he returns and sees another sign beside it saying "So did I".
[lol][lol]
An old woman walks into a doctors office.She says "My farts don't stink and they make no sound." The doctor give her pills and tells her to come back in a week.A week later she comes back and says "My farts stink but they still don't make a sound"
The doctors turns to his nurse and says "The sinus pills worked but now she needs a hearing aid":lol:
knock knock
whos there
adair
adair who
adair once but now im bald.
knock knock
whos there
acid
acid who
acid down and be quiet.
What does deputy P.M John Prescott & an Homebase flatpack have in common?
A few screws in the wrong place & the whole cabinet falls apart
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."[lol]
There was once a blonde girl named Sally. Her husband was at work, and to entertain herself, she decided to do a puzzle.
Her husband came home later to find his wife angry and breathing hard at the table.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I'm trying to do this stupid puzzle! It's supposed to be a tiger!" she replied.
The husband looked at the puzzle, sighed, and said,"Sally, dear, put the frosted flakes back in the box!"[lol]
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
How many Dounreay scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they dont need lightbulbs-they all glow in the dark
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.":lol:
Brilliant, pmsl[lol]Quote:
Originally Posted by angela5
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!" :lol:
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog pooh, 20 feet back.":lol:
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five quid from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!":lol:
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six " in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." :lol:
so you found this joke rude chillie, enough to leave me bad rep, well i find that even more amusing that the joke lol ha ha ha ha ha :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by sam
(really we both now the real reason you gave me bad rep lol)
Quote:
Originally Posted by sam
He he, you make me laugh , you remind me of the title of a Laurel & Hardy film.
Blonde Exam
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she
is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But, she says, I'm rechecking my
answers."
How to make money
Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Help!
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out,
‘‘my son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.
He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?''
''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the Inland Revenue."
these jokes are great
Australian Poetry
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists;
a university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word
and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to
the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
what film is that then??Quote:
Originally Posted by Chillie
cos you remind me of something out of one flew over the cookoos nest lol:lol: :lol:
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)
"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled...
isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
A short history of medicine:
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."[lol]
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom.":lol: :lol:
Someone really stinks
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
Wife was mad at me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn off the light!