"If" parody

Seen online, a parody of Kipling's poem called "If":

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
If you can resist complaining and boring the arse off people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to
give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol or drugs,
If you don’t whinge and bore everyone with your views of what’s wrong with the world,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs............

Then you are probably the family dog!